A funny old thing

Life is a funny old thing.
One minute it has you on top of the world. šŸŒŽ Your so high on life you know you’re living the dream. Your dancing on rainbows. šŸŒˆ You’re the cat the got the cream.
And then it all comes crashing down around you and you find yourself in the deepest of despair. šŸ˜©
Another chapter over and you have to somehow climb out of the darkest hole what has your most horrific heartbreak and fears pulling you down even further into the darkest depths of hell and there you stay, clinging on to life unable to pull yourself out as the grip that’s around your soul and grows tighter and more rigid as you struggle to take control.
You can see this flicker of light, a pinprick in the distance. It holds hopes, dreams and meaning, it teases you as you use all you willpower to cling on to the flicking light that dances in and out of force.
Are you strong enough to hold on and fight the darkness, the fear, the crushing feeling of broken dreams, shattered hearts and you will to carry on.
Are you strong enough?

I’m still

Last night I sat and cried, cried deeper and harder than I’ve allowed myself to for a long time.
I let my mind race and it bought sorrow so painful I felt my heart shatter into a trillions more pieces.
I tried to pull myself together, I tried I really did, but the harder I tried the heavy the sorrow descended, the tears heavier and I broke all over again.
I try so hard, so good damn hard to learn to be me again, to slowly glue those tiny pieces of my heart and soul back together.
The sad truth, but the whole heartedly truth is I’m still broken, totally and utterly broken.šŸ’”

That unexpected moment

That unexpected moment when a song starts to play and it breaks all your walls down in a split second.
You think you are doing ok, even happy in a different kind of way, but just those first few notes break you.
Your on your knees sobbing uncontrollably.
How can one simple thing, bring your world crashing down around you?
How can those lyrics bring so much joy and sorrow.
That piece of music along with the memories that go with it, are so powerful, that no amount of wall building, closed doors, cold heartiness and strength can protect you from the feelings that flood you when you hear just a tiny part of it.

And here I am, broken, bruised and battered, weeping.

Emptiness

imageThere comes a time when you really have to take a long hard look at yourself and see if the words you have felt cut through you are really true.

Today is one of those days.
A day full of self judgement.

Yesterday at the hospital one of my consultants said that until my heart starts to heal, my body will not.

I didn’t really understand what he meant.
I know that he tells me every time I see him that my broken heart was what caused my body to shut down.
Yes, it’s true your body really can shut down because of a broken heart.

And yes he does admit that I have had this one condition since birth , but he believes that the grief, the shattering of my heart brought it to rear its ugly head.

Anyway when I got home I called my dad and we had a really long chat about what the consultant had said. Then my dad spoke up and said that, since my heart got shattered into a million, trillion pieces that I have hit my own self destruct button .
That I have shut out the world.
That I spend way to much time on my own and I have shut out everyone.
He said the times I do allow people into my life that I’m not really there, I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I don’t show any emotion. I’m a lone robot shielding myself from caring.
He said the twinkle in my eyes is far gone, and all he can see is sorrow.

I have to admit that maybe he is right but I do laugh, smile, giggle but if I’m total honest with my self that 9 out of 10 times it is forced.
I moved as far away from my friends and family as I could so that I could have my own head space, I guess I shut them out.

Why I do not know.
I know that some of their actions hurt me beyond belief. And ok I forgave them because anger isn’t a nice emotion and I don’t want to feel angry all the time but letting them back in is so so hard.

I will admit though that last weekend I spent the day with a few friends at one of my favourite places and I let my guard down and I truly laughed for the first time in a long, long time, so much so it hurt.
It felt good, really good.
But still it felt like something was missing, something is always missing.
I no longer feel complete, there is this huge empty space in me that was once full of love and now it’s just empty.
And I know there is no way to fill it, no amount of smiles, laughs, outings, music, no amount of anything can fill it.

I guess that’s what my dad meant when he said I’m not as twinkly as I was.
I’m empty!!!
I’m empty with out him.

(P.s On a happier note, Marly-Kate had her first parents evening last night. I’m so proud of her. You can read all about it on her page.)

The edge

imageThe mind plays games with you and those thoughts are just too much to deal with, to get your head around.
Suddenly the walls crack just a little and the emotions you have locked deep inside them bleed through the cracks.
Those months, years of trying so hard to stay strong, to stay positive and just to stay on top of every broken emotion.
The heart shatters all over again, you feel every pain, every heartache, ever loss all over again and all you want is to close your eyes, get lost in the darkness, let it take over you, suffocate you and take you away near to return.
Death is better than facing the loss, the heartache, the coldness, the silence. The knowing that life just can’t live up to what it once was.

I have no idea how to come through this, how to carry on anymore.
Loss, love, life and health have beaten me to an inch of my life and I’m clinging to the edge with all my might knowing that the one person that may just be able to save me, is the one wishing I would fall.