No matter how strong the glue.

img_3841So I’ve been kind of negating my blog for a while now and it just dawned on me why.
I guess after all this time, I know I should be over Ross, but I’m not. My love for him is still as strong as it every was but with the added feelings of hurt, dislike and anger. Yes that hurts me to admit it but he tore my heart out at a time I needed him to be there, to wrap his arms around me, hold me, cry with me and to love with through the darkest days of my life.
But somehow I still love him, not that I chose to, but it’s still as strong as ever, I so wish it wasn’t.
I guess I’ve been unknowingly pulling away from this blog in hopes it may help me recover, to get over him, which in all honesty I don’t think I ever will. A love, a connection, a friendship this strong can never be got over.
We started this blog together and I had to pull back from it in hopes of healing. Well it isn’t working, it’s making everything worse.
My head is over run by feelings and no matter how hard I try to push them deep down inside, they won’t disappear, they won’t stop hurting and I don’t know how to cope.
I worry about everything, everyone and my head is so full of stress, my brain will not switch off, I can feel the cracks awaken and I know that if I do not write these feelings out that I will crack and I have come to far to do so.
Where I go from here I don’t know, put on the fake smile, the idle chitchat and the laugh that I’m sure as sure can be, that doesn’t come from the belly.
Love, true unconditional love is the most wonderful thing in life but it is also the most painful, soul-destroying Thing that can ever happen to you.
I am truly broken and no matter how strong the glue I use to try to fix the shattered heart of mine, it just keeps breaking, one sliver at a time.


Capturing time, life, heart and soul

I love that I know how to capture a good photo after many years of being a photographer.
The buzz of having an idea in your mind and bringing that to life is such an incredible feeling.
When you see that image and know that you captured that moment, that memory, that feeling.
It can sometimes be over whelming.
To me a photograph specks a million words.
From sadness to joy.
Really there is nothing more powerful than capturing time, life, heart and soul with a click of a button.

That is why it is so sad that while I know I can capture that it’s hard just to take a snap shot.

Gone are the days were I and other photographers can just point and shoot, really capturing a moment.
I so wish it was that simple.

I really noticed this on a day out with friends, one being a photographer friend.
I stepped back as I often do and just watch the people I’m with.
Seeing their facial expressions, their pure soul as they get lost in a moment.
And I’m slowly teaching myself to reach for my phone and snap away.

Watching Al with his pro camera to watching Sam with her phone. The difference in how they capture that moment in time is incredible.
Al would spend 10 minutes plus getting the lighting, the shadows, the angle right and then the moment has gone, or the subject moves just before he taps the button.
Ok the photos he did get are amazing but the missed opportunities are lost forever.
While Sam’s photos are not professional, but they hold something rather inviting, they hold something so special that you can never replace.
Ok the lighting isn’t right always, feet may be missing, or a shadow may linger over a subject but time, love, adventure, life has been caught at a single click.

So which ones are the best photographs?

To me that’s an easy answer!
The snap shoot wins hands down. (Sorry Al)

Sadly when you are trained to get it right, the pleasure, the freedom, the joy is taken away.
The passion isn’t tho.
It takes great skill to be able to deliver that perfect photo. Shame though that part of the memory making progress disappears.

No matter what style, knowledge, passion, determination you have, never stop capturing those memories, as some point in your life, memories will be all you have left.

Make every snap shot count.