Flashback Friday

It’s been a while.
Life has been kinda hard over the last few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time with my mum, which has been special, if only it had been under better circumstances.

I knew something was a miss when I opened the door and my mum and dad were stood there. It’s a long old drive, just to pop in for a coffee.

May seems to alway be an awful month for me, not just me, but mum to. If I could only blink and May and June would be over, sadly that’s not the case, so I’ll just have to face them while being as strong as I can.

So mum tells me that she has her latest MRI results back. My heart sunk right that second and I knew it wasn’t going to be good news, they wouldn’t be sat in my sofa if everything was rosie.
Her brain tumour has grown, not huge amounts but still its larger than it was 3 months ago, the problem is, it’s deep, deep within her brain so it can not be removed. 😢Not only that though but they discover on her scan that a large part of her brain has died and that they believe she has had a stroke.
If you know my mum, you’ll know that is her worst fear, I think it’s most people’s. Mum though is very high risk as her heart no longer pumps on its own and it’s her pacemaker that is keeping her alive, meaning she does not get enough oxygen to her brain. She alway has such high blood pressure that the machines just can not read it.
We as a family have been down this road so many times it’s just seems the norm. With loosing my dear sister to a heart-attack to Marley-Kate having major heart problems and my mum being a ticking time bomb, it’s just become part of everyday life but we have already lived through the heartbreak of loosing Jane and know the danger first hand of what mum and Marly-Kate face everyday.
It’s just sucks and there is nothing we can do but smile and try our up most to get on with life.

The past few weeks, we’ve spent a lot of time just chilling in each others company, not much has been said, just trying to take in the information and being there together through the stress and realisation of how life has to change, how life could change. We’ve sat and snuggled, held hands and just been there, no words were needed, that’s why this weeks flashback is so fitting even though I wrote it a few years ago and it held a total different meaning and was about the love of my life, it really does make sense and fits with the last few weeks of life here.
So without further ado I will wish you a happy long sun filled weekend and I’ll give you this weeks flashback Friday……..
take care my lovelies.

The power of touch, something so special that the world can see but only your can feel. I have never seen the importance of touch and the meaning behind it until about a year ago, when my views were changed and I began to understand how wonderful and powerful a small touch really is.
A small token of a squeeze of the hand when you need support. A stroke of the skin, to know you are wanted. A hug to give either love or support.
In the last few days, I have learn more so, how important these little gestures are. The most important one being the holding of hands, so much can be learnt from this alone.
When a hand is in hand, two bodies become one, you bond on a level, that only the two of you can feel.
You gain acceptance and truth, mixed with hope and love. You are suddenly not alone in the strange universe, you have meaning for existing.
And while I do not know where I am going with this blog or its point or purpose, I know deep within my heart, the words and meaning I am trying to say, and as they get lost before I can find a way to express the feeling that run through my soul and I have no way to explain, what I’m desperately trying to get across, I know right now I’m lost and alone, but I have full understanding that when his hand is in mine that life becomes beautiful all over again, that when he touches my skin, I become alive. When our lips meet, I’m no longer alone.
No words are needed when our two souls exchange the simplest touch. Words lose their meaning and I can feel the gift he is giving me, from one movement alone. I know he loves me. ❤️
So maybe the meaning to this blog, is, to try to say….. Don’t always use words, speak loader than that, for words are just words, it’s what lies in the heart that matters, it’s the touch, the soul and the eyes that will speak volumes on levels that can never be expressed in words.
Hold the one you love, speak though bodies not through words imbedded in you head since birth. There is more to life than speech.
The song posted below even though cheesy, sums it up perfectly.

Have a good day guys, and if you love someone show them.

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That’s pretty damn fine by me.

Do you ever look at your life and think WTF!!!

My life has changed in so many ways, my dreams have floated away on the breeze, new ones replaced them which plummeted into a gaping huge black hole and now I live day-to-day, scared of dreaming.
I give myself small but meaningful challenges that push my boundaries at times and I love that.
I have plenty of them to fill my time but are they really me.
When did I turn into this women that is scared of her own shadow?
To scared to allow myself to open up my heart and live a carefree existence.
To scared to feel.
Have I really lost the carefree nature I once enjoyed.
Gone are the days, when I dance the night away, oblivious to my surroundings.
Gone are the days I danced on table tops, not giving a damn what people thought of me or even laughed at me, I would have joined in the laughter with them.
Gone are the days I had to please my boss and keep others from disappointing him.
Gone are the days that creating was living and proving myself was my main goal. I didn’t just want to be good at my job, I needed to be the best at the job.
Now if I have to prove anything to anyone, it’s myself I have to please.
Is that somehow better? Easier?
I really don’t hold the answers, all I know is that while I gave up on my dreams or when my dreams shattered around me sending me to the darkest corner of hell, I’ve learnt that life isn’t always your friend, that grief can destroy every part of your soul but somehow that darkness gives you more strength, more heart, more desperation than you knew you had in you.
Don’t get me wrong, hell is the worst place to be, I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible, I’ve screamed louder than my own ears could bare.
I’ve fallen deeper than the darkest darkness and in ways I will never be free of the soul crushing despair.
I loved and I lost, in so loosing myself but I’ve also grown through the emptiness, the heartbreak and the sorrow.
I am no longer care free, how could I be.
I know I will never love again, and in true honesty I don’t wish to.
I know also I could turn back the hands of time, make a call and walk back into the office tomorrow and take off, where I left from, I could bring that dream back to life.
Wholeheartedly I don’t want to.
I enjoy the working from home with no pressure, I work only when I feel I want to. That just fine with me.
I still have one dream that will never fade, a dream so meaningful, so full of my heart and soul, which I know will never come true. A pointless, soul crushing dream, which once was so full of love, light, adventure, hope and so, so much more.
That dream haunts me but still I can not let go.
But against all odds, I’m happy in my own little way, even though life is far from where I would have loved to have been in so many different ways.
And even though at times my life seems worthless and empty, I know deep down that it’s not.
I have no idea what life has in store for me, if anything but just ticking along, taking one day at a time, making the most of what I have and who I have in my life and that’s pretty damn fine for me.

Growing older

There is something about getting older that changes you, you seem to see things through a different light. Life somehow becomes a lot clearer, more noticeable, more beautiful.
You start to appreciate everything that around you, from the view, the fragrances, the shadows, the light, the people, the books you read, the hobbies you undertake, the friendships, your family.
Friendships seem to be a big change for me, I’ve worked out that it’s better to have fewer friends, than a list of people who are on your social media, that really you know nothing about, you never see them and you wouldn’t go out your way to make plans to go and spend time with them, if we are all honest, they or yourself would only say hi, in the street and move on, that not friendship, well it’s not in my eyes.
Few and far between seems a much better picture, you somehow know that they are the ones you want to spend time with, they are the ones that you will pick the phone up to or randomly message just to make sure they are ok. They are the ones that no matter how long it has been since you last saw them, it only seems like yesterday when you were together. No uncomfortable silence, no word blocks, no uncomfortableness, just contentment and ease.
These are your true friends. The ones that are always there no matter what, the ones that know that we are all getting older but want to share that journey with you. They are the ones that understand that life is hard and that it gets in the way, but no hard feelings arise if you have to cancel or change plans at the last-minute. That to me is what true friendship means.
And that’s one of the good things about adding a number to your year of age, knowing that somehow in that last year or so, you’ve worked out, part of what it means to be honoured to have a few special people in you life.
So as my friends and family toast their glasses to wish me a happy birthday this weekend, I know I’m in the best of company and to me, it makes getting older worthwhile.🎂

Outbreak

There seems to be an outbreak of overwhelm on this planet.
Everyone believes they have to be busy, on the internet, and on the go every second.
When you feel overworked and overwhelmed, stop and listen to the stories you’re telling yourself about your time, your work, and your life.
You could say that your problem with being overwhelm is all in your head!
We forget that life happens in the moment. Nothing else is real.
We only have to live in the now and work on one thing at a time.
Overwhelm doesn’t exist.
It’s an illusion…a story we tell ourselves that offers us an excuse to get out of what we don’t want to do or don’t think we can do.
But we can choose to live our lives one choice and moment at a time.
Start learning to be more human again.
Gadgets are great, I luv them, I truly do but they can get in the way if you aren’t careful. Control them so they don’t control you.
Don’t avoid eye contact.
Ask about people’s stories.
Listen.
And smile together.

Calm to chaos

The reason for suffering, in all walks of life, is the resistance to life’s inevitable changes.
To have lived is to have changed often. Sometimes this is hard to accept.
What you have today may become what you had by tomorrow. You never know.
Things change, often spontaneously. People and circumstances come and go. Life doesn’t stop for anybody, it moves rapidly and rushes from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds, and happens like this to people every day. It’s likely happening to someone nearby right now.
Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. A seemingly innocuous decision rattles our whole world like a meteorite striking Earth.
Entire lives have been swiveled and flipped upside down, for better or worse, on the strength of an unpredictable event, these events are always happening. However good or bad a situation is now, it will change.
That’s the one thing you can count on.
And while you resist change, and suffer sometimes just like everyone else, you have to learn to adapt, you have to learn to be flexible and look for the beauty in life’s changes, even when they aren’t what you want.

Keys

1st of February already. Welcome to this new month. Have a beautiful one..A productive one and have an amazing day because
Life lives,
life dies,
Life laughs,
life cries.
Life gives up and life tries.
And life looks different through everyone’s eyes.
In fact, who you were, who you are, and who you will become are three completely different people. And as you gradually grow beyond the person you were yesterday, keep life’s challenges in perspective. Hear life’s harmony, and notice the delicate balance. Realize that life is like playing a piano. The white keys create your happiness and the black keys denote your troubles.
But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys also create music.

Flashback Friday

imageFlashback Friday is upon us again.
I love reading back old posts and remembering how I felt while writing the post, ok some drive me to tears, of joy, pain or loss even anger. But al in all, I find it kinda calming on my soul. And even if at times I cringe at how badly they were written the are part of me.
So today post is from a time that I was the happiest I have ever been and it saddens me that I know I will never feel the way I did back then, to feel loved, content and complete. Somehow though I am truly grateful I got to feel those feelings, to live those emotions and to know that I once had at all.
I would give anything to have that all again and be in the arms of the man I will always love, no matter how much time passes by.
So would I change things now, hell YES I would.

Would I change things?

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/01/15/

The pages of my life, how ever charming, delightful, traumatic, bitter and unpleasant they have been, are written.
Unmarked pages lay in front on me, ready for the next chapter.
Will they be kinder, will the dreams I seek unfold and draw beautiful pictures in my memory ?
Will the pages hold wonderful colours of love, happiness and contentment as they do now.
Will life still be a exciting adventure ?
Who can tell, it’s one walk that I will only know the destination when I arrive 🙂 and while I am travelling along the new magical paths ahead of me and leaving memory’s behind, story’s to tell, I will be learning and growing forming who I am.

So would I turn back the hands of time and rewrite the pages.
Giving myself peace and happiness and changing the negative ?

In true honesty I wouldn’t change it all.
Yes a few things I would change, just to withdraw the suffering I caused to others.
But while I look back at how nauseating parts of my life have been. I believe that I am who I am today because of this.
I accept and trust that I have grown through it and I’m strong because of grave situations I have been faced with.

So no I would not rewrite the pages of my life, I instead stand proud at the struggles I have triumphed.

I believe every path has a meaning, in light or darkness, there is a lesson, a meaning, a reason, it’s all apart of the bigger picture.
It’s the journey of your soul.
It’s a creation of your spirit.
It’s your destiny
It’s you.

Like a meteorite

imageLife doesn’t stop for anybody.
It moves rapidly and rushes from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds, the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives forever. A seemingly innocuous decision rattles our whole world like a meteorite striking Earth. Entire lives have been swiveled and flipped upside down, for better or worse, on the strength of an unpredictable event.
And while we all resist change, and suffer more than we all thought was possible, somehow we have learned to adapt. We have learned to be flexible and look for the beauty in life’s changes, even when they aren’t what you want.
Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, very difficult and it will change you, hurt you and even rip your heart out, sometimes you will have no control over it and NEVER get over it but you somehow have to carry on living even when you don’t want to.

The things

imageThe things no one else is doing.
The things that frighten you.
The things others can’t do for you.
The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward.
The things that define you.

Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living… between knowing the path and walking the path… between a life of defeat and a life filled with happiness and success.
Adversity is an inevitability, and it’s much like walking in to a turbulent windstorm. As you fight to push through it, you not only gain strength, but it tears away from you all but the essential parts of you that cannot be torn.
Once you come out of the storm you see yourself as you really are in raw form, still holding the passions and values that move you, and little else.
These are the lusts that matter.. the inner love and vows that define you.
It is this kind of love that drives you forward and even when the going gets tough. It is this kind of love that strengthens the mind, body and soul.

This is it

imageSimple and complicated…
Change or stay…
Escape or find the true happiness…
The pleasure of simple things…This is it…!

No matter how much we plan, we can never predict what future will bring. Trying to exercise too much control can just lead to frustration, in addition to frustrating the people around you.

Since you never know what the future will bring, it’s futile to try to control events. Instead of attempting to control the outcome of events, learn to relax and enjoy the journey. Letting go of the need to control will give you more freedom to live in the moment. By planning less, you’ll be more open to unforeseen opportunities that come your way.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still have goals, but that your focus shifts from the ends to the means.
Because life is forever changing and evolving, and you are evolving along with it, you will never reach a point of perfect simplicity and endless happiness. (Ok, maybe for a short time, I had it once 😢)
But each moment you spend on the path to simplicity does have the potential to bring more serenity and happiness into your life.