Who am I

Seeing someone you care about in so much emotional torment is extremely heartbreaking and in truth I’m not coping with it as well as I should.
This lad looks to me as his mum, his friend and his guild and I’m struggling to find the right way to help him.
I’ve listened, I’ve cried with him, I’ve said all the right things but still I can’t get him to see reason, he’s still a fragile mix of emotions.
This morning around 5am I lost my cool with him. I said a few home truths that needed to be said, in hope to snap him out of the depression that crushes his normal high spirits.
I wasn’t cruel, I just told him to snap out of it, that life goes on no matter what is happening in our lives. We can’t stop time, we can’t stop rumours, we can only change the way we handle situations.
If only the hands of time would stop and let us heal, if only.

I now feel extremely guilty that I lost my cool and that the tears that welled came streaming down his pained face.
Was I wrong to try to get him to see how cruel the world can be at times and that no matter how broken we are, we just need to solider on through.
Am I wrong to be telling him that life is worth living and fighting for, when most days I struggle myself with that concept, when most mornings I fight with myself to get out of bed and face another day, so lost in grief and heartbreak that I can’t dare to carry on.
Who am I to reassure him when I feel the same as he does.
I guess when you love or care about someone, be it family, friends or a life partner, you have to push your own feelings aside and give them as much strength and support as they need.
I know with Marly-Kate or Ross (when I could) I would go to the ends of the earth to protect, love and support them so without a shadow of a dealt I will do the same for my baby cousin.
I just need to dig a little deeper and find the strength to help him through.





Imagine  credit to ABC123art

Speak out, seek help

Sharing my struggles on these pages has helped massively over the years and I hope you all know I will always return that favour with a shoulder were needed. I may not be great at dealing with my own troubles but I have a listening ear.
What I do want to ask is one thing, if you see anyone else struggling with life in general, depression, addiction etc, be there for them where you can.
There is still a lot of stigma attached to what people go through, and by us all supporting and being there for each other it is the only way people will speak out, and seek help.
If you need help yourself, please share your struggles regardless, it is the only way you will be able to move forward and get better. X x

Let your story

It is so difficult when life seems to be going well then all of a sudden you start spiraling into a depressive state, (sometimes not even knowing why) and then you feel you can find no way out of them black clouds as they get darker and darker.
You think you are a burden on everyone if you turn to them, or you are scared to speak out because of stigma.
Well guess what, you are not a burden at all and the tide is turning with attached stigmas to mental health. Don’t sit there and suffer in silence trying to make sense of it all, as for now the main thing is to try to get yourself back on track and feeling better. If any of my friends are struggling please speak out, not only can you help ‘YOU’ but you can help many ‘OTHERS’ too.
Let your story help change someone else’s life.

Three little things

Holiday depression and winter season anxiety and emotional crisis concept as a human eyeball crying a tear with a christmas tree inside as a metaphor for seasonal sadness.

Holiday depression and winter season anxiety and emotional crisis concept as a human eyeball crying a tear with a christmas tree inside as a metaphor for seasonal sadness.

Mental health can affect us all in some way whether it is us or loved one struggling. Life’s twists and turns can make us feel down and start us off with depression.
We then might get anxious in various situations and struggle to make sense of everything, and sometimes without really knowing why.
Other life events can make us feel worthless and unwanted/unloved and make us think things that maybe we wouldn’t usually.

I guess in a way that’s why I blog, so people can see they are not alone.

With Christmas coming up it is a time of year I think affects a lot of people, so if you have any family members/friends who you see struggling, try to find time to have a listening ear, a smile and a comforting hug. Those three little things go a long way.

Stay strong everyone in your daily battles and keep fighting through, on your own it may feel a challenge but the challenge lessens with us all fighting through together and making each others lives that much more positive and brighter.

And that’s why

imageWhen I write about my illness I do not write to get sympathy or pity, I write to try to make people understand that illnesses are not always seen, or understood.
Take depression for one, most of us have had it at one point in our life’s but you can’t see it, you have no idea who has it and to a be honest we are all scared of it, because none of us really understand it.
We all wear masks to cover it up, we all say we are fine, when we are not but you know what, it’s ok not to be fine, it’s ok to cry, in truth I believe it helps to have that good old cry because it’s not a sign of weakness it’s showing you have a heart, you feel, you are human, it is a good thing truly it is but being made to feel weak by the people who don’t understand your pain, your insecurities, etc, etc, is not a nice feeling at all.
People judge way to much, and no one takes time to listen or to try to understand what others are going through because we are all to busy wrapped up in our own life’s and I think it’s wrong!
So when I write I try to open people’s eyes to invisible illnesses not just the many I have but for the people I love and care about who suffer everyday, with very little understanding from others.
I know that we all fear illness, we fear seeing people who are suffering through illnesses and lose, but I also know that it’s not because they don’t care but they just don’t know what to say to you.
But what we all really want is to be understood, to be seen as the same person we have always been.
All I really want to do is help others understand what life is like living with an invisible illness, I don’t want anyone to ever feel so alone as I have felt since my life took this tumble.
I know I’m loved, I know I have the most incredible family and friend support.
But even with that support, life is hard, really hard, physically and emotionally.
There are many days that I want to give up but I know I can’t and won’t because life is a gift and that it would hurt my family, also because I won’t let this beat me, I won’t let it win.
But mostly because I want to try to help other learn what life is really like for someone like me, a normal women whose life changed through no fault of her own.
I want to open the eyes of people who don’t understand that even if you look fine, that’s not always the case.
If I can help one person understand, then I will wear my heart on my sleeve and speak out about what life is like.
And maybe just maybe I may begin to feel like I have some worth left in me after all.
That all this pain and suffering is for nothing.

Blast from the past

imageI came across something I wrote a few years ago and thought I would share it with you, just in case it can help someone, somewhere who is struggling. So here goes……

There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.

Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.

Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.

Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my truly amazing boyfriend/soul mate, my family, friends and my doctors, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.

You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?

Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.

My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put me in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.

When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.

The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.

Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.

My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on social media, that seems depressing please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention.
That person could really need your help.
Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.