I am no different

Every new year brings new hope, dreams of an awesome year, the best year yet.
The 31st December 2017 was no exception. We saw it out with a bang, one of the best New Years Eves to date. Hair was let loose, worries far, far at the back of our minds, as we danced, laughed, drank and drank some more.
2018 arrived, full of high hopes, determination and the willpower to make it the best it can be.
Well what can I say about the year so far?
It’s sucks rotten eggs. Totally and utterly sucks.
Every day has been a bigger challenge than the day before, with everyday that passes, it seem harder to stay on top.
January 2018 is one big let down.
But I guess that things can’t get much worse than they are already.
So once again, hope teases.

I started the year, very differently to last, I set no goals, decided to go with the flow and not set myself up for a fall and disappointment. I would start the new year care free, with no pressure. I was ready to let my soul dance, sour freely and take every moment with a pinch of salt and not let life’s troubles crush me but mostly I wasn’t going to let other people, other people’s problems drag me under.
Little did I know fate would crash and burn at my feet pulling me into a world I no longer want to be part of. The world that was suffocating my spirit, my soul. It wasn’t even my own problems that were sucking the life out of me, it was the crap everyone wanted or even needed to dump on my shoulders, one downfall to listening when people talk, when they need that shoulder to cry on.
My life is pretty free for worries, I have a roof over our heads, food on the table, money in the bank and clothes on our backs, my only grumble would be my health but I’ve always been determined to not let it beat me.
It’s other people’s actions that have run rings around our emotions, pulled at family bonds and rocked the boat to breaking point. It’s the actions of people whom I held dear to my heart who have grabbed 2018, twisted, turned, burnt, destroyed the beginning of a positive year.
I’ve learnt a lesson, a lesson I wish I didn’t have to, I’ve learnt that no matter how hard you try at life, there will always be bugs at your feet nipping away at you. Kicking them off really isn’t as easy as one would think and not always an option but I hope they heed my warnings, bugs can be fought back at, if needs be.
Every mother, sister, brother, will fight to the death to protect their own.
I am no different!

I will cherish that

imageLooking down at Marly sleeping in her cot and realizing she needed me more than ever, I wanted to be a loving perfect Mum and love her more than anything or anyone, which of course came the second I saw her, hitting me like a ton of bricks, a love so different from any other, a love that consumes every inch of your being, but life was determined to keep ruining our time together.
Hours and hours, weeks and years of hospitals check ups, tests and more tests, scared sleepless nights, more hospital appointments (for both of us)
It wasn’t going to beat us anymore though. I had, had enough of the heartache it had brought us for far too long, and didn’t want to let Marly-Kate down as I knew she had been sent to put me back on track.
So somehow, I have no idea how, we got through the last few years of devastation, loss, hurt, and pain.
Today after a long hard battle and still at times trying to make sense of certain aspects of my life, fighting daily at times, I push forward with grit and determination knowing I will not be beaten by this.
There have been people who have been of great support along the way, one that has passed and who I will never forget and that was my good old friend Porter, of course Ross was my brick in the early days. (I still think about all the selfless support you gave me and miss and love you every day).
So as today starts for me, I want to say thank you to all of you who stood besides me, gave me an ear, sat by mine and Marly-Kate’s hospital bed and held my hand, looked after Marly when I have treatment.
I know I’m not the easiest to give love, care and support to, as I’m very good at building walls and shutting the world out but when I do let someone in to my heart, be it in love or friendship, I give a bond that I never want to lose. I give each friend a little piece of my heart, and that there is a big even huge thing for me.
I don’t let many people in so when I do, it means something.

In your own little ways over the years you saved my life and I will cherish that until I take my last breath.
Thank you. 💗
Happy New Year.


Pulling the power back

imageLife is about dealing with the question marks and making the best of them without any guarantees for what’s going to happen next. Nobody on Earth knows how things will turn out for you, which is why you have to press forward every day on the heels of your intuition and passion.
If you give your all, sometimes amazing things can happen, but they’ll rarely be precisely what you had expected.
You have an immeasurable power within yourself to make positive changes in your life. When something is troubling you, don’t ignore it.. make a commitment to change it. Don’t sit around in awe of how unhappy you are and at how unfairly life is treating you. Instead, write it out, cry it out, shout it out and then try to change it, you’ll be amazed at how swiftly and effectively you can do something to lift yourself from falling into the darkest hole, you can talk yourself out of that low moment, the crippling pain what has hold of you and you can find those tiny stepping-stones that will help lead the way to a healthier more positive line of thought. (Trust me it’s far, far from easy, but with determination you can begin to see a flicker of a light.)

When the world feels like it’s crumbling down around you, that’s a valuable signal. It’s your heart’s way of telling you that the darkness is creeping in on you. You need to hold on tight and fight with all you might to hold on and to believe in yourself.
It won’t be easy and it won’t always work. But when it does the knowing that you pulled yourself back is a pretty incredible feeling.

Personally there are emotionally, feelings that no matter how hard I try, no matter how high I build the walls around my heart, that sadness, that devastation, that darkness wins hands down every time and even when I allow myself to admit I can’t change what my heart and soul wants, needs and loves, I have to focus on ways just to keep holding on so the pain doesn’t consume me.
I guess that’s why I try so hard to see the light, the positive in other areas of my life. At least I have some control.
In doing so I stay grounded and try to put into action the positives in life. I’m pulling the power back and somehow living on through the darkness. I guess this way I’m kinda winning.

Let there be love

imageFall in love, with an aim, an ambition, a passion.

If you lost everything but your mind, heart and health, what would be your reason to wake up every morning with a smile?

There’s definitely a fire burning inside you. It’s your job to find it and keep it lit. As we grow older, with all of our responsibilities, our passions and hobbies often seem like an indulgence. They shouldn’t be. They should be a requirement. Even if you can only dedicated 20 minutes a day to something you love, do it… No excuses, no regrets.
The most important decision you will ever make is what you do with the time that is given to you.
Let every day be a part of a dream you can touch. Let every day contain passion for something you love. Let every day be a great example of a life truly lived.

Someone out there

imageThere is someone out there
The one that gives you…..
strength, courage, determination, hope, will, belief, passion, joy, without even knowing it
The love they give/gave to you makes you find the inner you and there isn’t anything you can not do because just knowing they are/were in your life, heart and soul makes you the best you.