The fear is real

Have you ever been scared to open a bedroom door because you just don’t know what is going to greet you on the other side.
Every morning since the accident I fear what awaits me when I have to go and wake him.
I know the struggle he’s facing, the emotions he’s hiding and the heartbreak he’s living through.
This young man who has done nothing wrong but save the life’s of the people who now want to take everything they can from him.
Yes he was driving the car, yes he had control of the heap of metal that span out of control, when the animal ran in front of him.
He handled the situation the best he could and I’m extremely proud of that fact.
I’m proud that he made them belt up, I’m proud he did everything he could to avoid the tree that came towards him at what must have seemed a million miles an hour. I’m proud that he managed to stop the car from rolling. I’m proud that he saved the life’s of the others.
The same lad who has nightmares, who has pulled so deep into himself because he can’t handle that his so-called friends were hurt, not killed but hurt mainly seatbelt injuries.
The same lad who can’t live with what has happened and the backlash from the families.
Hasn’t he been through enough already?

He’s struggling, really struggling and I’m scared what he may do to himself. Just a week before the accident he had told me that if he ever hurt or killed anyone in a car accident, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself and he would take his own life.
I get that, I really do because I know myself that I wouldn’t be able to live with it to.
Every morning when I have to wake him, I’m petrified what I will find on the other side of his door.
Will he be breathing? Would he have taken his own life.
It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to have that fear run through you.
A young lad, who is caring, compassionate and loyal and wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose.
He’s a hero in my eyes.

Flashback Friday

After one of the most stressful, emotion filled weeks of our life’s I’m more than glad it’s over.
I’ve learnt a lot this week, sadly though it’s mostly been negative.
I’ve learnt that there are people who just want to cause trouble, spread lies and twist rumours, not giving a damn about who they hurt in the long run.
I’ve also learnt that life can be snatched away from you in a blink of an eye. That family is a tricky thing that I will never understand. Blood isn’t always thicker than water.
All in all, I’ve learnt that love, caring and compassion seems to be a thing of the past, and I’m ashamed to call myself a human, because from what we’ve seen this week, most people are monsters that are hiding under your bed.
It’s so sad, it really is.
We live in a world were money rules, and love and compassion just doesn’t
Seem to exist.
The ripple effect is truly a real thing and it’s hard, extremely hard to deal with. I have also learnt that when the going gets tough, I mean really tough that sometimes there are just no words, no amount of love, hugs or support that can help.
I’ve known this for a long time but when the shoe is on the other foot and you’re the one that’s trying your hardest to be the shoulder, the one to give support, the one trying to put the world to rights and nothing seems to be helping, it’s the worst feeling in the world. When all you want to do is take the pain away and you just can’t, you have no clue how to make it better, it extremely heart-crushing.
I’ve also learnt that I live off my nerves, that I think way to deep and worry about every single little detail, making the whole situation worse for myself.
I guess that’s what comes from caring, loving and being compassionate.
Is it a flaw or is it good thing to care so deeply? I really don’t know anymore.
Am I a bad person because I care too much?
How can caring be a bad thing?
All I know right now is I wish I could put my arms around all the people I love and protect them from this evil twisted world.

So it’s Friday and time to reflect on times gone past. But as I look back and try to find the perfect post to share with you, tears roll down my face at all the pain that these pages hold but also all the love they do to.
I truly am an emotional person and I’m not sure if that is a good thing.
There goes that ripple effect again.

So anyway I best get going and get on the best I can with my day, leaving you with this weeks Flashback Friday but first I would like to thank all my friends and family who have messaged, phoned, visited the hospital and just been there. It’s truly warming and I treasure you all.

Have a good one peeps, enjoy that Friday feeling, and try to show someone you care, you never know, you could be saving them.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
Much love
Rose. 🌹

 

Why can’t a woman be more like a man.

A women’s mind never stops ticking, we just can’t turn off. Constantly lost in thought, more than likely twisting and turning every thing until we have it totally wrong in our heads, causing problems where there is not any to start with.

So why do we do it ? Why do we run on our emotions, and how come men can just turn it off like a light bulb ? Or can they ? Is it all a cover to what really runs through their brains ?

Are we so different ?

One of the all time classics, sums up to me perfectly what I guessing most men think about women.

Got to admit, this song has given a few giggles. All round fantastic film. A lot can be learnt from it.

Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic’ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can’t a woman be like that?
Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?
Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev’rything their mothers do?
Why don’t they grow up- well, like their father instead?
Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you are with them, you’re always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?

Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

Well, why can’t a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there’s one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
Why can’t a woman take after like a man?
Cause men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?

If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?

Would you complain if I took out another fellow?

Well, why can’t a woman be like us?

Mrs. Pearce, you’re a woman…
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can’t a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straight’ning up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?
Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
If I was a woman who’d been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
Why can’t a woman be like me?

So why is it, we women fuss about everything, that we care too much, and run off of every god damn emotion ? Driving ourselves to the point of despair.

And why do men, close down on any feeling that they may have, pretending that it just isn’t happening ?

Why are we so different ? Are we really from two different planets ?

After a little I mean little research on this topic this morning, I have found that we are really not that different.

We all feel, but they just decide to hide it, for many different reasons. From what I have read, they just don’t seem to be able to handle it, so bury their heads in the sand. Out of sight out of mind, so to speck.
Guys, we can’t handle it either, if this is a help to you.

Reading forums this morning, most guys admit, they put on a front so they don’t look weak and admit that more than likely they think more than women, but dealing with it through trips to the pub with their mates. Acting the hard guy.

The over all view is

Feelings Are Feminine

Men grow up seeing women talk, opening up to one another, and crying. They see their father watching sports or working. When they fall parents may say,

“Big boys don’t cry”

and with girls, they see its ok, to show what they are feeling, from watching their mothers. When they fall, they are told,

“Its alright darling, your be ok, it’s just a little bump, wipe your tears away.”

Is this none emotional image drilled into them since birth, as it was for their own fathers and their father’s before them.

I have to say, guys raised by mothers alone, seem to be much more open, that is something special.

I have to admit I have met very few man who do show their emotions, but the ones I have, have been a delight. You get to know that person on a deeper level. You really get to know them, not the hard case that many wear.

To me men that show that they have feeling, have a good cry, even to a movie, makes them 100% a real man.

so soften up lads, sure us women what you are really made of.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

img_4289
They say,
“Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”

I’ve always struggled with that concept because I truly believe that even while men put on a huge front not to show emotions, they feel them just as deep as us women, I believe that from the bottom of my heart.

I have only met two men that have been able to show their emotions, even talk about them at times, it was a sight to behold and maybe that was why I was drawn to them, one being in friendship, one being in earth shattering love.
Both were raised by their mothers and I always thought that maybe just maybe this was the reason they let their guild down a little. I do believe that walls were still in place, walls that would take more than a life time to break down but still it was warming to my soul.

I will never fully understand why men shy away from what the heart is screaming at them and why they guard their emotions with such strength and determination.
Do they somehow not see that us women need just a tiny insight into the hearts of the men we care about.
It really is the greatest gift to show someone who you care, so why hide behind the toughest wall to break – PRIDE.
Pride is funny thing, we all have it, we all face the battle against it and we all let it bite off our nose to spite our face.
There really is no shame in letting down your guard, letting you emotions rule your head, if only for a few minutes.

We all want to feel cared about, we all want that deeper connection, we all want to feel worthy, to feel loved.

So why is it easier for women to show all these tiny elements of someone’s heart and soul, than it is for a man?

Is it in their upbringing?
Is it a case of male pride?
Or is really just that they are incapable of showing what they are feeling? (I don’t believe that for one second)

Or is it a case that some women are so full of their own insecurities, self-worth, that every thoughtful look, every men to men conversation, every silent moment, they draw upon that as a negative emotion, do they really think everything is about them.
They are silent because they are thinking about you?
They are chatting to each other about you?

I swear that’s not the case because no one knows what’s going on in someone’s else’s head or heart, no ones life totally evolves around their partner or friends, and that’s a good thing.
Why would you want that?
Why would you want to lose the person you got to know, you began to care about and maybe even fell in love with.
Not a single soul can consume another persons thoughts 24 7, and rightly so because if that was the case, you’ve already lost the person who you have connected with, be it in friendship or love.
Ok, I’m sure we all like to think that the person or persons you hold dear, think about us from time to time. That when they do, a smile forms on their lips.
That smile alone specks volumes, it shows emotion, truth and heart and to me that great thing.
Maybe we should all look at the little things in life, friendship or love and words may no longer be needed.
Maybe the guys have it right, maybe they don’t.
All I know is that we all have emotions, we are all not good at speaking them or even showing them but it doesn’t mean they are not there. Fighting desperately to get out, pushing down pride, brick by brick. And even though that wall is still solid and unbreakable, you just need to have faith that men and even women may not be able to let their walls crumble, it doesn’t mean they don’t care, that they don’t love you, it means that they are human and struggle as all humans do.
My walls may be higher than ever before, they may be rooted deeper than anyone wishes to dig, but I still feel deeply, love wholeheartedly, and hurt intensely.

Flashback Friday

imageIt’s that time again, a time to reflect, a time to look back.
It’s Friday. 😃
And for me it’s time to pack my weekend bag and set off on a little adventure, which will also be a flashback.
I don’t often get a weekend to myself, without Marley-Kate at my heels so it’s going to be strange but she’s off on an adventure to and in the safest of hands so all is well in our special bond.
As always my flashback posts are not just a look at the past but a sum up of my week.
It’s been a short week for me because I was away from home for a long weekend, enjoying the peacefulness of Devon. How I love it there, my home from home.
School time tears got the better of Mars and me so we headed off for 4 days of pure relaxation and peace.
Mars ran free, making the most of the sunshine and her time with one of her favourite people, her Grandad, how she worships him. They are two peas in a pod.
It’s so beautiful to watch but on a down side, it’s hard to see how my life would have been if I had grownup with him in my life. I’m 100% sure life would have been bliss, exciting and very different to having God rammed down my throat by my step dad.
I’m so happy though that my little Katie (Marly-Kate) has such a wonderful leading male role model in her life. If she can’t have Ross, my dad is the best 2nd choice. (I mean that in the most loving way)
So after our little trip, life seems to have got the better of me. Emotions have been at an all time low, I’ve been extremely hard on myself, feeling all the worst emotions, self-hate being foremost in my mind. I don’t know where it’s come from or why so after the normal hospital appointments, I booked myself in at my old work place and had a pamper day. And it seems to be working, I feel a little better about myself and I’m I’ve got my mindset in an ok place ready to hit the road later today.
Even though the last few days I’ve had one of my all time favourite friends on my mind as it’s the anniversary of his passing. I admit I miss him loads and life really does seem weird without him on the end of the phone but I just have to remind myself that he’s at peace and in no more pain. That’s good right????😢

Anyway I best stop waffling on and get to the real reason for this post, it’s flashback Friday after all. 😝
So without further ado, I wish you an awesome weekend full of smiles, laughter and peace of mind and I will leave you with…….

Let there be love.

Fall in love, with an aim, an ambition, a passion.

If you lost everything but your mind, heart and health, what would be your reason to wake up every morning with a smile?

There’s definitely a fire burning inside you. It’s your job to find it and keep it lit. As we grow older, with all of our responsibilities, our passions and hobbies often seem like an indulgence. They shouldn’t be. They should be a requirement. Even if you can only dedicated 20 minutes a day to something you love, do it… No excuses, no regrets.
The most important decision you will ever make is what you do with the time that is given to you.
Let every day be a part of a dream you can touch. Let every day contain passion for something you love. Let every day be a great example of a life truly lived.

The Human Brain

imageThe Human Brain…..Claimed by many experts to be the most advanced intelligent thing we know in existence!
Pyramids and skyscrapers have been produced by it and worked out how the vast expanses of our universe work from looking through a telescope.
Yet somehow it can become confused, deluded and clouded due to our own emotions, feelings and imagination running away with us and allow ourselves to be judged by others.
The most intelligent and friendly thing we possess is also our own worst enemy. What we allow our brains to think is how we make or break ourselves.
It’s YOUR brain, don’t let other people give it a definition that is not uniquely your own or influence it against your own better judgment.

Part of you

imageA little note to myself which is so much needed today.

Don’t be ashamed to shed a tear.
To me tears clean the soul so you can once again see the beauty around you.

Being vulnerable only shows that you’re able to face the truth.. even the hard truth.. with dignity and with heart.

Open yourself up. Allow yourself to feel no matter how hard or torturing it may be.

Take down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and experience every emotion, both good and bad.
This is real life, you can’t hide from it, you can’t hide from the devastation, the hurt, the pain, the sorrow,the lose, the emptiness.

For what are we if we don’t feel?

We become cold-hearted, lost souls with no heart.
It really is ok to break down once in a while, you won’t be weak because of it.
And even though no amount of tears, pain and heartbreak can fix you or change anything, it’s better than closing down and denying what you feel. (I’ve been doing this a lot lately, not even admitting my true feelings to myself because the emotional pain is to great, to intense, to good damn painful.)

Your emotions are part of you, they are you.