Wish me luck

imageAfter the day I had yesterday, I have to remind myself that “Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life and smile.”

I try so hard to stay positive, to walk through treatment with a smile on my face and an attitude to not let those cruel illnesses beat me.
Yesterday though, lupus kicked my ass to the ground and kicked the sh** out of me, leaving me with the feelings of desperation, fear, exhaustion, failure, and not a pinch of hope.
Yesterday took the light and turned it into a scary, very dark blackness.
How can one day of treatment, knock you so hard that the will to conquer and take the winning flag, couldn’t be further from my mind.
As I sit here dreading today’s hospital visit, knowing that today could knock ten ton of crap out of me again is a terrifying thought.
The thought alone of having that huge needle stabbed into me and pushed and wiggled around is a fear I have never once had, today though the thought of it, make my tummy turn and I want to run, run as far away as I possibly can.
It’s not the pain really, I can tolerate that, it’s the fear of what will come out or won’t come out.
The fear of seeing the colour of my blood, the thickness, the slowness of the flow, but most of all the blood clots.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of blood, I have no fear at all of it, but after my blood clotted in the tubes also blocking the needle, I don’t really fancy seeing that again, feeling the fear that, my blood is pumping around my body like that.
Also the fear of seeing the nurse’s faces of how horrified they were at the speed of how fast I was clotting, on top of that, the look on their faces, as if to say, I have better things to do then to sit her with you for over four hours to only manage to take not even half a pint of blood and the relief on their faces when they decide to give up on trying to get the rest of the pint out of me.
How can less than half a pint of blood take that long to get out, 5 minutes max it should take to give a pint of blood.
I’m sure they are dreading me going today as much as I am.
But I’m going to slap on that smile, that positive attitude and try my up most to not cry.
So here’s to a good day, where lupus, gets a kicking.
Wish me luck, not that I need it, right?

Burning the candle at both ends…

imageThis morning I read this and a lot of home truths came rolling in.

“You know sleep is very important to a healthy lifestyle. It’s possible that sleep is just as important to the human body as exercise. When you sleep, that’s when the body is doing its maintenance. If you don’t give the body time to do its maintenance then things start to break.”

Sleep and I have the worst relationship, I always wake feeling as if I haven’t slept.
It’s a continues battle between restless sleep and no sleep at all.
It really does take it tole on me, I feel exhausted all the time and my energy levels are at zero.
Ok I get that my condition has a huge part to play in feeling down and out but boy, I feel totally worn out by 9 in the morning.

I often think if my state of mind has a part to play also, I know if I worry that sleep becomes harder, my mind will not shut down and I toss and turn all night.

But what can I do about it?

I don’t eat after 7pm if I can help it and I eat as healthy as I can. ( we can’t be good all the time)

Coffee and tea I won’t touch from around 6pm.

I always try to just sit and either listen to calming music or watch mind numbing television or sometime even meditate for at least an hour before I go up to bed.

I think I’m doing all the right things and still I only master 4 to 5 hours sleep a night if that.
I know this as fact, as my sis brought me a fit bit for Christmas so I can monitor my sleep.
I was kinda disturbed by my results and have no idea what I can do to change it.

Something needs to change or this candle will burn its self out at both ends.