Hhmmmmm
Are goals a good thing?
I’ve set myself a lot of goals this year, in crafts and home improvements.
But right now I don’t seem to be able to get motivated to tick any of them off.
I’m not even sure if it lack of motivation. I just don’t seem to have the time and energy to sit and make anything, which bugs the hell out of me.
I have this long list, nagging away at me, the more it nags, the less I feel inspired to pick up my hook.
When and if I do, my mind turns to the diy jobs that are staring at me, or the sun shines and I day-dream of chilling in the garden with my iPod and hook, sitting snug on my new garden sofa that still sits in boxes. 📦
Have I by setting goals, caused myself stress overload?
It’s not that I’m that stressed that things just aren’t happening as fast as I would like, it’s more that fact that I feel like I’m failing myself.
I truthfully feel a failure and it’s down to my own doing.
I lay in bed while I wait for sleep to come, I toss and turn as I wind myself up, that I’m useless for not achieving what I would like, for not achieving the goals that I set myself.
If I ditch the lists, I’ve certainly failed myself, if I remove certain goals, I also have failed in some way.
The strange thing is, by fault of my own, I’ve added more and more to my crafty goal list, I’ve started a huge blanket that I just couldn’t resist. It’s a smashing blanket/afghan, or will be.
Pattern parts are realised weekly and even though week 3 will be out tomorrow, I’m still making part 2. I’m kicking myself for already falling behind, I’m already failing myself and that isn’t a nice feeling.
I know it’s not all down to day dreaming or lack of interest, it’s due to a crazy busy few weeks and no time for me time. I know that I’m not all to blame but I still have this nasty sense of failure hanging over me.
Making me question everything I do.
I feel useless, worthless and angry at myself. I don’t want to fail, I want and need to do the best I can, I need to make these bricks and mortar into a home. I need to surround my little girl in warmth and comfort, maybe even give myself a little. She loves the blankets I make her, she try’s to claim every one I make, she comes home from school and asks straight away what I have made that day. It’s important to her and that makes it even more important to me.
Am I failing her when I can’t show her, because I haven’t either had the time or energy to craft?
I feel like I am and that feeling is soul-destroying.