How does the world keep spinning when life as you know it comes crashing down and you don’t know if life will recover and ever be the same again?
When the wonderful lady who gave you life, own life hangs in the balance and you don’t know how much longer you will be able to call her Mum?
How do you stay strong, be the rock that stops her from crumbling when her fear swallows the air, you’re trying desperately to fill your lungs with?
How do you hide your own fears, hold back your tears, hold back the screams your heart and soul desperately needs to release?
How do you do the job of your mother when you need her to hold you, to reassure you?
How do even begin to imagine life without her?
Tag Archives: fear
Emotionally
Today I stepped back in time as we splashed in muddy puddles, played poo sticks, ran as fast as we could to find the perfect hiding place, giggling uncontrollably until our laughter gave us away, made a rope swing over the newly fast flowing river and let excitement of youth overcome us.
It was refreshing and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. Freedom is such a beautiful feeling that comes not often enough. It really did feel amazing to laugh as we had once had before adulthood took hold.
Until…..
It was my trillionth turn on the rope swing, pushing harder and higher than I had dared to before, as I lost control and felt myself beginning to fall.
Rich, bless him, jumped into the water hoping to break my fall. His hand came to mine and without even realising it, my body froze and withdrew, landing in the freezing cold water below. As Marly-Kate, screeched with delight, clapping her hands for all her worth, time slowed to nearly a stop as I watched Rich hand come towards mine and faster than light retreat.
Pain washed over his face, as he turned and retreated out the water as fast as he could.
Those few seconds lasted in my mind a billion hours, as that deep gut punch hit me.
When did I fear human touch so much, that I would put fear into a friend whom only wanted to help me? Would it have been that bad for me to take his hand and let him help me out of the ice-cold water.
Why am I so weak that I can’t see that my hang ups, hurt the few people I care about.
Touch, especially hand holding, to me is extremely personal and ever since I was with Ross, I haven’t been able to let anyone touch me, even a hug from my mum, I pull away. If my hand is touched, I pull away without even thinking about it.
I know that no one can ever make me feel how Ross made me feel, no one ever could even come close, to how it felt when any part of our bodies touched, I can’t even begin to try to explain it, we just fitted, even melted together.
I have never felt anything like it and I never will or want to feel that with anyone else, it’s just not possible anyway.
But still I can’t stand for anyone, I seriously mean anyone to told my hand, comfort me, care for me.
And I’m deeply sorry for that, I’m sorry if I hurt you Rich, I’m sorry that you felt that you had to turn from me so I you wouldn’t have to feel the rejection that we both knew would follow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m so emotionally scarred, I can’t even let one of my closest most loyal friend lend me a hand.
The fear is real
Have you ever been scared to open a bedroom door because you just don’t know what is going to greet you on the other side.
Every morning since the accident I fear what awaits me when I have to go and wake him.
I know the struggle he’s facing, the emotions he’s hiding and the heartbreak he’s living through.
This young man who has done nothing wrong but save the life’s of the people who now want to take everything they can from him.
Yes he was driving the car, yes he had control of the heap of metal that span out of control, when the animal ran in front of him.
He handled the situation the best he could and I’m extremely proud of that fact.
I’m proud that he made them belt up, I’m proud he did everything he could to avoid the tree that came towards him at what must have seemed a million miles an hour. I’m proud that he managed to stop the car from rolling. I’m proud that he saved the life’s of the others.
The same lad who has nightmares, who has pulled so deep into himself because he can’t handle that his so-called friends were hurt, not killed but hurt mainly seatbelt injuries.
The same lad who can’t live with what has happened and the backlash from the families.
Hasn’t he been through enough already?
He’s struggling, really struggling and I’m scared what he may do to himself. Just a week before the accident he had told me that if he ever hurt or killed anyone in a car accident, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself and he would take his own life.
I get that, I really do because I know myself that I wouldn’t be able to live with it to.
Every morning when I have to wake him, I’m petrified what I will find on the other side of his door.
Will he be breathing? Would he have taken his own life.
It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to have that fear run through you.
A young lad, who is caring, compassionate and loyal and wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose.
He’s a hero in my eyes.
Flashback Friday
It was one of those weeks when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold, when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
Even though the sun shines and summer hearts rejoice in the carefree nature that the warming sun brings, winter seems to have crept into our life’s this week.
It’s been a week of fear, hope and strength.
My little girl, collapsed at school and was rushed to hospital.
I have felt fear before, every night I live with the fear that she will stop breathing and I won’t be able to help her, that I won’t be able to reach her in time.
So when I got the call that she was on route to the hospital, every fear I have ever felt, came crashing down around me, suffocating me.
My baby girl was alone and in desperate need of her mummy.
I know I can’t be there 24-7, I can’t wrap her in cotton wool, she has to live her life the best she can and I can’t control every situation she faces but I so wish I could. I wish I could take everything away from her, take the pain, the breathlessness, the dizziness, the headaches, but most of all the fear. I wish she didn’t have to face a life that she has no control over, I wish she could be carefree. I would give anything and everything to be able to give her a life full of amazing health but I can’t, all I can do is give her enough love to help her through all the trails and tribulations that she faces.
I love being a single mum, the pride I feel is worth every minute of hard work being a single mum brings but at times like these, I wish I had Ross’s hand to hold, his whispers in my ear, that she’s going to ok, like he once did when she was so desperately sick as a newborn.
Facing this alone is extremely hard at times, the waiting while she’s in surgery, is a nightmare come true, the silence is deafening, the fear is intoxicating.
So after having a valve replaced, she’s home where she belongs and I really couldn’t be more grateful.
The sun is once again shining upon us. ☀️
I’m more than grateful this week is over, I truly never want to face a week like it ever again.
All I can say is thank F*** it’s Friday, which of course means one thing, it’s time to rewind back the hand of time and to reminisce happier times.
So I’ll leave you now and wish you a happy sun filled weekend, let the sun warm your spirit and the breeze cool your troubles.
Have a good one peeps, take care, stay safe and enjoy loads of ice cream.🍦
🌹🌹🌹
Dear Marly-Kate,
In the lands of fairies and dragons, Lily pads and waterfalls, the air is clear and sky’s are blue.
We dance around the brooks and sing in tune.
Our spirits sour and are hearts alight,
Our feet are feathers, so pure and light.
We sour on the autumn breeze and take flight.
Our wings a flutter, we glide so softly.
Dancing freely in the summer rays, Twirling and twisting to the sound of a new day.
The morning dew sparkles as the sunlight twinkle’s on the Lily pads and dragonflies twirl and shimmer.
The morning is alive with elegance, hope and delight.
Come dance with me on this daybreak, come be free and embrace the delights that bewitch you.
As night-time closes in and the stars begin to shine, the earth falls into harmony.
The moon light guilds our night.
Our day is drawing in and we are sleepy, our minds still carry the songs of the day.
We’re still floating and dancing, from the magical day.
And as I lay you down to sleep and kiss you good night, I wish you sweet dreams my child and turn out the light.
I whisper that I love you and at the rise of the sun is a new day,
where we can chase rainbows, ride unicorns and fly with the butterflies.
Sleep peacefully my darling Marly-Kate. I bid you good night. ♥
🦋🦋🦋
Welcome to the week
Welcome to the week from hell.
This week has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now.
Not only do I have to see my main consultant to discuss surgery but it’s a huge week for hospital appointments for my family, the outcomes of these is beyond scary.
One could lad to my mum loosing her driving licence as her brain tumour is effecting her vision and having to face having more brain surgery to remove yet another tumour. I really can’t see my mum go through that again, it was distressing enough the last time and I know she is scared about going back under the knife after the heart surgeon made the biggest mistake of his life resulting in our poor mum flatlining 7 times. I fully understand why she never wants to have another operation in her life.
Also my dad’s brother is facing a fear all of his own, the big old C word is haunting our family right now, lung cancer is more than a tad frightening. Fingers crossed it’s something that can be fixed and that, the terrifying word isn’t the words he hears tomorrow.
One good thing this week though, is I’m booked in for a tattoo. I have wanted to have this tattoo done for a long time now. It holds a special meaning, but also the most heartbreaking meaning.
We are also going to design my cover up. At least that is something to look forward to. 😀
Can I press fast forward yet and let this week be over.
Check and check again
Fear
Do we all really know how it feels?
I thought I did but in truth I didn’t until I felt it for the first time.
The day my baby girl came crashing into this world.
When you child, your soul mate, your best friend, or your closest family are ill or waiting on scans, mri’s, ct scans or cancer results, that is fear at its deepest, darkest and strongest.
This week, fear of the unknown has hit me hard.
My baby cousin has been hit straight in the face by the big C word.
I’m terrified for me, all these different fears are flying at full speed around my mind and it won’t give up.
This is fear. Real distressing fear.
He’s only just 18 and he is going through hell of the worst degree and I have no way to help him, no way I can console him and no way I can give him the peace he needs.
I know how’s he’s feeling, I’ve been there, I’ve felt all the emotions he is going through but still I have no idea how to comfort him and that sucks royal eggs. 🍳
One thing that I do know is that the people who love him, are in as much pain as him and sometimes it’s even worse for them, that feeling of helplessness is crippling to the core.
Going of my own experiences, I was so “what ever happens, happens” and even though I was scared, it was a trillion times worse for my family and friends.
I knew the facts, the information of what was going on in my body, I knew the course of action the consultants wanted to take and I knew what I was facing.
In my family and friends minds they only knew what I chose to tell them, which was very little, I didn’t want to scare or upset them so I kept it all very close to my chest, all the time thinking I was protecting them which really I wasn’t.
I was making it so much worse for them. I just didn’t see it at the time.
Ok I was in a very low place at the time and I really didn’t care what my outcome was, I was one of the lucky ones and came out the other side.
All I can say now really is to check yourself and to continue to check.
Secondly if you do find that dreaded lump then tell someone and get to your doctor asap. It could save your life.
My baby cousin didn’t and now nearly 4 months on he is more than likely to lose his testicle and there is a massive risk that it has spread. 😢
Cancer of the testicle mostly affects 15 to 49 year olds, I didn’t know that, did you? So young, so very young. 😞
I also didn’t know that biopsies can not be done without surgical removal of the affected testicle.
So if there is the slightest doubt that it could be cancer your special little friend will have to be removed one way or the other.
I can only imagine what that does to a young lad emotionally and mentally.
I’m sure as many women feel when they have a breast removed that they feel as part of the womanhood has been taken away, I assume it must be the same for a guy.
That’s why it’s so very important to check yourself flagrantly. You all have a little play now and then, you can’t deny that so while you’re at it, check yourself out.
I can’t stress enough how important it is.
Fingers crossed that the scan and test results come back clear and we can all breathe again, for now though all we can do is try to stay positive and be as strong as we can be for him.
Fingers crossed for him please.
A little wobble
So I’ve had a few days off from hospital visits due to my veins collapsing, bruising and the venesection is just not working.
It has been bliss, and even though I haven’t felt great I managed to go out and spend a few hours with family and friends, which was pleasantly nice, exhausting but I’m glad I went, although yesterday was a wash out and I spent a lot of time sat falling in and out of sleep.
Tomorrow I start back at the hospital and I am terrified to say the least.
The thought of being stabbed with needles, pulled around and made to drink jugs and jugs of water, which I would say is the worst part. I really do not like water, it makes me gag.
I know I’m being silly, it’s a simple process which mainly is pain-free so I shouldn’t be scared in the slightest but I truly am.
I know I will be fine, but the thought is just too much right now.
I need to snap out of this frame of mind, I’m being so stupid, I know I am.
Fear is one mofo of an emotion, I do not like it.
Only so many tomorrows.
I have to admit the last few days, I learnt a new totally different emotion, I have looked fear straight in the face and I’m kinda ashamed to admit it.
I’m just a tad frightened.
My blood has terrified me.
I knew it was thick, I knew that there is no cure, but I guess I just didn’t want to believe how bad it was.
The last two hospital trips have been an eye opener for sure. And I’m scared, I really scared.
But that fear has to stay right here no this page.
If I have learnt one thing though, it would be………”live each moment in full, in kindness and peace and try to do the best you can with what you have in this moment because that is all you can ever expect of anyone, including yourself.”
A lifetime isn’t very long.
This is your life, and you’ve got to fight for it. Fight for what’s right.
Fight for what you believe in, for what’s important to you, for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you.
Realise that right now you’re lucky because you still have a chance.
So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it today.
There are only so many tomorrows.
Wish me luck
After the day I had yesterday, I have to remind myself that “Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life and smile.”
I try so hard to stay positive, to walk through treatment with a smile on my face and an attitude to not let those cruel illnesses beat me.
Yesterday though, lupus kicked my ass to the ground and kicked the sh** out of me, leaving me with the feelings of desperation, fear, exhaustion, failure, and not a pinch of hope.
Yesterday took the light and turned it into a scary, very dark blackness.
How can one day of treatment, knock you so hard that the will to conquer and take the winning flag, couldn’t be further from my mind.
As I sit here dreading today’s hospital visit, knowing that today could knock ten ton of crap out of me again is a terrifying thought.
The thought alone of having that huge needle stabbed into me and pushed and wiggled around is a fear I have never once had, today though the thought of it, make my tummy turn and I want to run, run as far away as I possibly can.
It’s not the pain really, I can tolerate that, it’s the fear of what will come out or won’t come out.
The fear of seeing the colour of my blood, the thickness, the slowness of the flow, but most of all the blood clots.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of blood, I have no fear at all of it, but after my blood clotted in the tubes also blocking the needle, I don’t really fancy seeing that again, feeling the fear that, my blood is pumping around my body like that.
Also the fear of seeing the nurse’s faces of how horrified they were at the speed of how fast I was clotting, on top of that, the look on their faces, as if to say, I have better things to do then to sit her with you for over four hours to only manage to take not even half a pint of blood and the relief on their faces when they decide to give up on trying to get the rest of the pint out of me.
How can less than half a pint of blood take that long to get out, 5 minutes max it should take to give a pint of blood.
I’m sure they are dreading me going today as much as I am.
But I’m going to slap on that smile, that positive attitude and try my up most to not cry.
So here’s to a good day, where lupus, gets a kicking.
Wish me luck, not that I need it, right?
The mirror for fear
Get comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable and then take another step.
You were not meant to sit at the edge of your comfort zone.
Not trying for fear of falling.
Not speaking your truth for fear of what others will think.
Not looking at yourself in the mirror for fear of what you might see.
Try, and then try again with all your might. Your courage will unfold as your resolve takes hold. And with each effort you make you will earn a little more confidence which you can use to acquire what no one else can give you.. Your self-respect, and the life you were meant to live.
The greatest miracle of your success in life will not be that you finished, it will be that you had the courage to begin.
It is so easy to get caught up in planning and perfecting that before you know it, you have made taking the first step a bigger deal than it is. Sometimes you just have to go ahead and take things as they come, one step at a time.
So give up the excuses and begin now.
Tomorrow might never exist again…!
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