Flashback Friday

After a fab start to the week and a weekend full of great company, fun, games and freedom, the week hasn’t ended the way I hoped it would, well it is Friday the 13th!!!
I really did have great hopes for the week and even with the storm that took out the phone lines, I was pretty content in writing a blog post on my phone and walking through muddy fields until I could find 3G so I could post it. I guess its all part of moor life, a part I love about being there.
I’m cut off from the world. No phone signal, and internet that only works when it decides to.
Even though I love technology, it’s a welcome break from, being able to be got hold of. When the body and mind needs a time out, it’s the perfect getaway.
The weekend was great, even the weather didn’t stop us, stepping back in time and finding freedom of mind as well as freedom of our souls.
It really was a delight, care free, until that moment I fall off the swing and landed in freezing cold water.
That moment changed everything.
Not only did it send my mind into overtime but my body went into shock as the cold took hold.
So my plan of a fun-filled week, doing not much but enjoying the freedom that Devon brings, I ended up, spending most of the week wrapped up in front of the fire with hot water bottles, pain killers and pile of blankets over me.
My mind was free to play every trick it could, every emotion reared its ugly head and I felt pain deeper than I have let myself in a while.
All those emotions I had pushed deep within my soul came flooding out, grief surrounded me as I fall lower than I have been in a long time.
Life carried on around me as I spent days staring into space reliving every moment, I’ve forbidden myself to think about.
I’ve had to workout all over again to suppress all those feelings, gain strength and put a smile firmly back on my face. I’ll admit, it’s been hard, extremely hard but I got there and took that journey home.
I never thought that I would ever feel grateful to return to the rat race we call life. Here I have to get on, I have no choice but the busy myself.
Life goes on no matter how you feel or how you are coping, you have no choice, you have to get your butt out of bed and live your day the best you can.
You have to answer the hundred and one emails waiting for you, you have to do all the tasks that have built up since you were last at home and work your way through that mountain of washing you brought home with you.
It’s what I need right now, I need to feel as I have a purpose, I need to busy my mind with the endless crap that running a family home gives.
I need to dull out the pain by doing all those brain numbing chores.
I need to remember that life doesn’t just hold heartbreak, it’s beautiful in its own way, it holds memories that I don’t want to forget, that I never will forget.
And that leads us to this weeks flashback, to memories that bring a smile.
So without further ado, I’ll wish you good health, a happy home, a smile on your lips and freedom that the weekend ahead may bring.
Enjoy guys.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.

🌹🌹🌹

Life without friends is like life on a desert island…

imageI wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.

Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge 😃

And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.

Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.

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As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.

I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.

At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)

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I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the sea’s edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stolen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”

How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.

I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.

As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)

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Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx

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Flashback Friday

Days blend into one another, with no clue to which day of the week it is until Marly-Kate jumps uncontrollably up and down at the prospect of the weekend.
I’ve one very excited little lady willing no school and the freedom that the weekend brings her.

The last two weeks have been hard ones as the weather has changed and my body seems to have gone into shock as autumn chills my bones to core.
How I use to love autumn and winter, winter was by far my favourite time of the year.
Roaring fires, soft snuggly blankets, hot chocolate with all the trimmings 🍫 over sized hoodies, chunky socks, movie days, the crackle of frost under your feet, clear sky’s showing the winter sun in all its glory, moonlit starry sky’s, are just a few of winters pleasures.
Now those colder months bring fear, as well as bad health, constant pain and sleep deprived nights.
How I already long to feel warm even though autumn has only just joined us.
My last few weeks I’ve spent way to much time at the hospital either at appointments with consultants, X-rays, MRI’S, blood tests, infusions, venesection, just to name a few, then straight to bed with a hot water bottle, pain killers and extra blankets.
Sleep seems an impossibility even though my body is screaming at me to rest.
I feel, while I let my body try to heal I’m wasting my life away. It’s a no win situation that I so wish I didn’t have to deal with.
Thank goodness for Sammy, Rich and Brett, they have all been pretty amazing over the last few weeks.
I really don’t know where I would be without them.
On an up not, I actually managed to spend the day yesterday in my happy zone, I battled the elements, wrapped up warm and spend a great day, looking through census’, parish records, reliving history in my mind. We accomplished lots and answered the unanswerable questions that come with family stories that have been twisted and turned over the years and I feel pretty damn proud of myself right now. I rock at this research shit.😝
I also finished a project that I’ve worked on for months and its beautiful. The pride I felt as I made that last stitch, weaved in the ends and wrapped this huge blanket around myself.
I can’t believed I made it, I actually made something so beautiful that anyone would be frightened to use it. And what makes it even more special it’s big another for Marly and Me to both snuggle under and still room for another.
I don’t often find myself feeling pride, it’s always a case of “I could have done better” but I really wholeheartedly feel pride run through every inch of my being when I look at it. I really can’t believe these sore, ice-cold hands stitched every stitch. I’m over the moon with it, truly I am.
Hopefully Marly one day will pass it down to her children and her children’s children. Not that she is allowed to even talk to guys until she’s at least in her 30s.😂

Marly is still struggling with going to school, which breaks my heart, but the law is law and she has to go until I can work out if home schooling is the best foot forward.
I’m torn, totally torn on what is the best way forward. How can I teach her when some days, ok most days, I muddle my words and make no sense to myself let alone others? Along side that my brain will not remember facts, figures and information that she will need to grow her education.
Ask me anything about a time, a place, a memory in my life and I will remember the smallest simplest details. Memories are not a problem, my brain stores them instead of educational facts, which can be a bitch as I love knowledge, I love to learn. I think I’ll blame my meds and a constant morphine state of mind, lol. (I have to laugh it off or it will grind me down)

So anyway another week is over and the weekend is just out of reach and that means one thing, it’s time to take a little trip down memory lane with this weeks flashback.
So I’ll wish you good health, happiness and a free spirit and leave you until next time.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
Toodaloo.
🌹

Shimmer and Shine.

You are like a building with stained-glass windows.
You always shimmer and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in your true magnificence is revealed only if there is light shining from within you.
It’s your duty, and yours alone, to keep your inner light shining bright. So learn to love yourself first. Loving yourself does not mean being selfish and narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather, it means welcoming yourself as the most honoured guest in your own heart and mind…a guest worthy of extra care and respect. Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it. That’s a great start.

Flashback Friday

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a flashback Friday but with the funny old week I’ve had I have to share the below post.
It’s one of my first ever blog entries and a happy one.

This week has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, smiles, frown, tears and joy.
In all honesty it’s been emotionally hard.
Watching my daughter break her heart, morning after morning as I leave her at school, it is incredibly hard.
The first day, I found it impossible to leave her, her heart was breaking as tears fall, her breathing changed as she got herself more and more into a state which she wasn’t coming back from. It’s every mothers nightmare.
How I wish she loved school, how I wish she would go off skipping and full of sunshine that normally is in full swing.
It’s not the fact that she hates to learn or even finds it difficult, she loves to learn, we spend hours, upon hours watching documentaries, reading books, sitting in the library, strolling the internet, learning about anything and everything, she truly loves knowledge.
So what is it that makes her scared of her own shadow, when we enter those school gates?
Should I home school?
Do I have the knowledge and understanding to give her everything she needs to be the best she is capable of being?
I don’t want to hold her back, I want her to be happy and conquer the world the best way she can.
Where would I even start, when it comes to home schooling?

On top of that, I’m in a middle of a flare that has me absolutely exhausted, fighting every minute to stay awake, add to that, a dear friend of mine is struggling and all I want to do is make it better. I feel so very useless, I wish I had the right words, anything to make it better, I don’t and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
The last month, I’ve been to two funerals of victims of depression, that sadly they couldn’t find the strength to hold on and fight to see a glimpse of hope. It’s so very sad, to know these two beautiful young souls, felt so alone in the world that they couldn’t share their troubles, their emotions and their fears.
One thought a rope was the answer, the other a cocktail of pills. Even though they are at peace, they have left a massive hole in people’s life, they’ve left despair, numbness, guilt and broken hearts behind them.
It really is soul wreaking but I understand their pain, their darkness, I’ve been there more than once, more times than I wish to count, I tried, I failed and failed again.
I just wish that when people are so low, when they can not see any other way out, that they could just open up a little, trust a little and hope a little.
Life can change in a blink of an eye, happiness can warm, love can intoxicate and life can be magical.
The dark days, are to show you how wonderful the good days are and even though it’s a cruel way of showing us all what life is about, the great days, the heart skipping moments are a trillion times worth the blackest moments.
With that said I will leave you with a walk down memory land and give you this weeks flashback….. Turning tables.
Have a great weekend, find that smile, dance in the rain, free your soul of its worries and sing as badly as possible, enjoy those little moments.

🌹🌹🌹

Funny how life twists and turns.
Living through the highs and lows can be exhausting at times, but I have now learnt that the highs are so worth the lows and when excitement and joy take over your day, everything is beautiful, full of colour and wonder and that light at the end of the tunnel is in my hands glowing brightly.
I don’t know what to call this feeling but I know why and who has given my this incredible happiness.
Why I see life as a gift instead of a battle.
It all started with a new friendship that grow into something so special no other can compare. That friendship then fall into love, an over powering love that takes over my world and gives me the energy to flight any darkness that try’s to destroy my light.
With this love, I have learnt to see the goodness and the light that surrounds me.
Life now is worth living, it’s a blessing and an adventure that I wish to share with my soul mate, the guy who changed my life for the better.
Who gave me strength and hope. He gave me life and I’m finally living

Pinch and a punch

Pinch, punch, first day of the month, no return.
I can’t believe we are in September already, this year is definitely on fast forward. We will soon be thinking about the dreaded word Christmas. 🎄
It’s been feeling very autumnal the last few days, I even lit my first fire yesterday and put the heating on. What’s that all about, we haven’t really had a summer and it’s rained nearly the whole summer holidays.
Talking of holidays, Marly-Kate is on a little jolly in Spain with her grandad and boy I hate, hate, hate not having her with me. She’s having a blast though so it’s all good really.
I have discovered how much work I can get done when I’m all on my lonesome. I’m up to date with work, I’ve even made a few projects that I can give to the boss that hopefully he will like and maybe he will be nice and give me a juicy bonus, lol, who am I kidding. 😂
It really is surprising how much I’ve managed to get done this week, even at hospital visits. I’ve even managed to make my sister’s birthday pressie and blitz the house. We got out with the cameras for Milky Way shoots but you know what I’ve hated every second, I would rather be occupying Marly-Kate. I can’t wait until she is home, snoring away in her bed.
All in all, life is pretty good, I’m happy and content with life. A lotto win would be nice tho.💰
I’ve been looking over my goal lists that I set myself at the beginning of the year and on the craft side, I’m doing pretty well, the home goals on the other hand, have flown out the window, I think I will blame Brett and Rich for that, lol, they like chatting, beer and bbq 🍗 more than they like working. To be totally honest I don’t mind in the slightest, they make life fun.
Over the last few years, just living has been a struggle so any small task, goal that I have mastered is a great achievement and I’m happy with where I am now and even through the pain, the darkest of days and horror filled nights, I’m still standing and fighting, that is an achievement all on its own.
I’m filling my days with the people I love, doing the things I enjoy, I’m even researching again, and that gives me a sense of purpose. I have to admit I kind of like that feeling.
I can’t say I’m as happy as I once was, but I can definitely say I’m learning to live again. I’m testing myself constantly and enjoying the challenge. I’m doing ok.👌🏻

So it’s Friday and that means it’s time for a trip down memory lane, today though I can’t look back, I can’t let myself remember so I’m sorry guys, I’ll get back to it next week and hopefully I will find time this week to put some much-needed time into this blog, I have so many ideas, so much I want to blog about but times hasn’t allowed of late, and that gets to me. I love this space, the freedom of a blank page, where I can pour out my heart and my emotions.
Anyway I best get moving and get my day moving.
Have an awesome one, stay safe, stay happy, stay true.

🌹🌹🌹

Flashback Friday

It’s Friday!!!

and the start of an exciting weekend, where dreams really do come true.

Omg, I can’t believe tomorrow I will be living out a childhood dream and I’m so flipping excited,  I could scream.  😊

With that said I’m going to end this one short and leave you with this weeks trip down memory lane.

Funny enough, it just happens to be about dreams.

so without further ado I wish you an awesome weekend. Stay safe, happy and true.

Much luv

🌹🌹🌹

Every so often I am shown that giving up on a dream I lived for, doesn’t have to be a huge mistake.
Once again I have been shown I could have this dream but I now see that, what I have now in my life, my daughter, my amazing other half and love and support from my friends and growing family is much more rewarding and fills my heart with much more light and love than what I ever could have had if I had followed that dream.
Sometimes giving up on a dream may feel wrong and you may regret your choice, but you wouldn’t be where you are today or even who you are today with out that.
Today I am happy with my choices and thankful for the life I have lived because it has brought me to now, a time of new beginnings, hopes and dreams and a love that grows every second of everyday.
Right now my life is pretty perfect.

Flashback Friday

Wow, what a week it’s been.
So full of smiles, laughter, and just all round great stuff.
I’ve tested myself to the limits and did pretty damn great, if I do say so myself.
We’ve jumped in puddles, danced in the rain but best of all we booked some exciting stuff for the future.
We’ve eaten Thai food, watched movies and documentaries while snuggling under a home-made blanket. We’ve created and opened our minds to all the possibilities. We’ve listened to music and danced until we couldn’t possibly dance anymore.
We’ve had a blast and it’s only the beginning. 😁

Is this how it feels to be happy, it’s been so long that I had forgotten. It’s a pretty amazing feeling.
To top it all off, the sun has decide to grace us with its presence and we have whole full day to fill with more laughter and smiles. ☀️

So I’ll wish you well, I’ll wish you happiness, I’ll wish you an amazing day full of possibilities and I’ll leave with a little trip down memory lane.
Take care, stay safe but most of all, smile, laugh and dance in the rain ☔️

🌹🌹🌹

Forget your head.

Forget your head and listen to your heart. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this.

To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all.
You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.

Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first, real, kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises.
Love is not a fairytale.
Love is about still having the butterflies after years.
It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them.
It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little pressie’s here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things.
Love is rare and special.
Love is a comfortable feeling, a place to go when NO ONE else in the world can relate but the two of you. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be loved.
When you see them walk past, your eye is immediately drawn to them. When you hear them speak, your ears are completely tuned in on their voice. When you watch them smile, your heart smiles along with them.
And who says you can’t love someone from a distance?
It doesn’t feel like a distance because you already know them. You know how they move, how they hold themselves. You know them better than anybody else. Because you feel the warmth beneath.
To me, love will always come first, no matter what has happened in the past. No matter what the troubles are.
If you love someone I mean truly love them, than forgiveness should always come because your love for them is the strongest emotion.
Love is everything. ❤️

Flashback Friday

It’s FRIDAY, but more importantly it’s Marly-Kate’s birthday. 🎂
Happy Birthday, you’re the light on dark days, the laughter in my belly, the sun on rainy days, you’re my world little lady and mummy loves you more than words can ever say. ❤️
Marly-Kate and I have had a trying road since she came into this world 10 weeks early. We’ve shown strength, determination, and somehow we’ve beat the odds and survived, which we will keep doing, giving the birdie along the way.

In truth the first year was so incredibly hard but more so, scary. Throughout it all she’s shown me so much about life, love, and true determination.
My girl never lets life get her down, she stands tall and proud and gives it her all and even though her heart gives her a run for her money, she won’t let it beat her or get her down, she gives her all and I couldn’t be any prouder of her. She truly is a beautiful spirit with so much light and love to give, she pretty damn amazing.
I would say she’s going to make some extremely lucky guy very happy in the future but that’s not happening at least until she 50+. 😜

So my week, well I don’t want to get into that right now as today is a happy day. I have managed to finally finish a project I’ve been working on and I’m pretty proud of how it turned out. To be totally honest, as I made the last row of stitches, I filled with emotion at all the memories, trails and tribulations that have been stitched into the blanket. It’s been on my lap through, laughter, joy, dark days and sun filled days. It’s funny how those skeins of yarn, have turned into something so meaningful and I would even say beautiful, every square made holds a memory, be it of joy fear or sadness, everyone is special somehow in its own right.
I not to sure where it’s travels will take it now, who it will keep warm on those chilly evenings, who it will wrap up in a hug but I do know that who ever I gift it to will not just been given a blanket but a part of my heart, my life, my memories.

So anyway the hands of time have travel over 168 hours and that means it’s time to rewind those hands and look back to the memories imbedded in these pages, so I’ll wish you a spectacular weekend and leave you with this weeks flashback.
Be happy, be true, be you.

❤️❤️❤️

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.”

I had the most different weekend, relaxing in away even though I carried out blue work as I call it.
Farming is a blue job for sure, kinda fun though.
Put that aside for the minute as I want to blog about that at a later date.
Yesterday was Marly-Kate’s birthday. I can’t believe she is two already. My little princess is growing up so fast, I hate it. I want to keep her this young forever.
Mk has the best little personality, she is cheeky, happy, and full of life.
She’s into everything. She is delicious in every way.
She never stops smiling unless she needs to sleep and runs rings around me, where she gets her countless energy from is beyond me.
Mk is beautiful to a fault. Her cheekiness along with stubbornness oozes from her. You can’t help but to smile at her even when eating sheep poo and she laughs at you when you tell her no. She such a pickle.
Well for her birthday, I wanted to do something but her main birthday treat will be a day out with Ross, hopefully in the next few weeks but I couldn’t let the day just pass without doing anything.
I had a long drive ahead of me so thought that we would spend the day by the sea half way between home and my dads.
It was a beautiful day, cooler than it has been, so we head off to Lyme Regis, one of my favourite places.
I love this little seaside town.
Marly isn’t a great lover of sand so the first hour was fun to say the least, she just kept climbing back into her buggy.
She wasn’t having any of it, finally though she gave in as she wanted to get to the water.
She loves the sea, she plops herself down on the edge of the water, nappy and all and giggles every time a wave splashes her.
That was her set for the few hours we sat there.
She didn’t move, and just laughed louder and louder.
She was one happy little girl.
I can’t say my bro had such an easy time with his son Mitch though, he was running around everywhere, sand throwing, eating sand and trying to rock climb. He’s a cute little thing, don’t think his mummy and daddy thought so at the time though. No relaxing for them

When it came to crabbing, Marly was scared to death, don’t think we will be doing that again anytime soon.
So back to the beach we go and all laughs again.
All in all, it was a lovely day, one that I hope she will remember.