Flashback Friday

After a fab start to the week and a weekend full of great company, fun, games and freedom, the week hasn’t ended the way I hoped it would, well it is Friday the 13th!!!
I really did have great hopes for the week and even with the storm that took out the phone lines, I was pretty content in writing a blog post on my phone and walking through muddy fields until I could find 3G so I could post it. I guess its all part of moor life, a part I love about being there.
I’m cut off from the world. No phone signal, and internet that only works when it decides to.
Even though I love technology, it’s a welcome break from, being able to be got hold of. When the body and mind needs a time out, it’s the perfect getaway.
The weekend was great, even the weather didn’t stop us, stepping back in time and finding freedom of mind as well as freedom of our souls.
It really was a delight, care free, until that moment I fall off the swing and landed in freezing cold water.
That moment changed everything.
Not only did it send my mind into overtime but my body went into shock as the cold took hold.
So my plan of a fun-filled week, doing not much but enjoying the freedom that Devon brings, I ended up, spending most of the week wrapped up in front of the fire with hot water bottles, pain killers and pile of blankets over me.
My mind was free to play every trick it could, every emotion reared its ugly head and I felt pain deeper than I have let myself in a while.
All those emotions I had pushed deep within my soul came flooding out, grief surrounded me as I fall lower than I have been in a long time.
Life carried on around me as I spent days staring into space reliving every moment, I’ve forbidden myself to think about.
I’ve had to workout all over again to suppress all those feelings, gain strength and put a smile firmly back on my face. I’ll admit, it’s been hard, extremely hard but I got there and took that journey home.
I never thought that I would ever feel grateful to return to the rat race we call life. Here I have to get on, I have no choice but the busy myself.
Life goes on no matter how you feel or how you are coping, you have no choice, you have to get your butt out of bed and live your day the best you can.
You have to answer the hundred and one emails waiting for you, you have to do all the tasks that have built up since you were last at home and work your way through that mountain of washing you brought home with you.
It’s what I need right now, I need to feel as I have a purpose, I need to busy my mind with the endless crap that running a family home gives.
I need to dull out the pain by doing all those brain numbing chores.
I need to remember that life doesn’t just hold heartbreak, it’s beautiful in its own way, it holds memories that I don’t want to forget, that I never will forget.
And that leads us to this weeks flashback, to memories that bring a smile.
So without further ado, I’ll wish you good health, a happy home, a smile on your lips and freedom that the weekend ahead may bring.
Enjoy guys.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.

๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน

Life without friends is like life on a desert islandโ€ฆ

imageI wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.

Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.

Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.

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As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.

I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.

At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)

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I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the sea’s edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stolen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”

How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.

I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.

As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)

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Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx

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Flashback Friday

Days blend into one another, with no clue to which day of the week it is until Marly-Kate jumps uncontrollably up and down at the prospect of the weekend.
I’ve one very excited little lady willing no school and the freedom that the weekend brings her.

The last two weeks have been hard ones as the weather has changed and my body seems to have gone into shock as autumn chills my bones to core.
How I use to love autumn and winter, winter was by far my favourite time of the year.
Roaring fires, soft snuggly blankets, hot chocolate with all the trimmings ๐Ÿซ over sized hoodies, chunky socks, movie days, the crackle of frost under your feet, clear sky’s showing the winter sun in all its glory, moonlit starry sky’s, are just a few of winters pleasures.
Now those colder months bring fear, as well as bad health, constant pain and sleep deprived nights.
How I already long to feel warm even though autumn has only just joined us.
My last few weeks I’ve spent way to much time at the hospital either at appointments with consultants, X-rays, MRI’S, blood tests, infusions, venesection, just to name a few, then straight to bed with a hot water bottle, pain killers and extra blankets.
Sleep seems an impossibility even though my body is screaming at me to rest.
I feel, while I let my body try to heal I’m wasting my life away. It’s a no win situation that I so wish I didn’t have to deal with.
Thank goodness for Sammy, Rich and Brett, they have all been pretty amazing over the last few weeks.
I really don’t know where I would be without them.
On an up not, I actually managed to spend the day yesterday in my happy zone, I battled the elements, wrapped up warm and spend a great day, looking through census’, parish records, reliving history in my mind. We accomplished lots and answered the unanswerable questions that come with family stories that have been twisted and turned over the years and I feel pretty damn proud of myself right now. I rock at this research shit.๐Ÿ˜
I also finished a project that I’ve worked on for months and its beautiful. The pride I felt as I made that last stitch, weaved in the ends and wrapped this huge blanket around myself.
I can’t believed I made it, I actually made something so beautiful that anyone would be frightened to use it. And what makes it even more special it’s big another for Marly and Me to both snuggle under and still room for another.
I don’t often find myself feeling pride, it’s always a case of “I could have done better” but I really wholeheartedly feel pride run through every inch of my being when I look at it. I really can’t believe these sore, ice-cold hands stitched every stitch. I’m over the moon with it, truly I am.
Hopefully Marly one day will pass it down to her children and her children’s children. Not that she is allowed to even talk to guys until she’s at least in her 30s.๐Ÿ˜‚

Marly is still struggling with going to school, which breaks my heart, but the law is law and she has to go until I can work out if home schooling is the best foot forward.
I’m torn, totally torn on what is the best way forward. How can I teach her when some days, ok most days, I muddle my words and make no sense to myself let alone others? Along side that my brain will not remember facts, figures and information that she will need to grow her education.
Ask me anything about a time, a place, a memory in my life and I will remember the smallest simplest details. Memories are not a problem, my brain stores them instead of educational facts, which can be a bitch as I love knowledge, I love to learn. I think I’ll blame my meds and a constant morphine state of mind, lol. (I have to laugh it off or it will grind me down)

So anyway another week is over and the weekend is just out of reach and that means one thing, it’s time to take a little trip down memory lane with this weeks flashback.
So I’ll wish you good health, happiness and a free spirit and leave you until next time.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
Toodaloo.
๐ŸŒน

Shimmer and Shine.

You are like a building with stained-glass windows.
You always shimmer and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in your true magnificence is revealed only if there is light shining from within you.
Itโ€™s your duty, and yours alone, to keep your inner light shining bright. So learn to love yourself first. Loving yourself does not mean being selfish and narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather, it means welcoming yourself as the most honoured guest in your own heart and mindโ€ฆa guest worthy of extra care and respect. Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it. Thatโ€™s a great start.

Flashback Friday

It’s Friday!!!

and the start of an exciting weekend, where dreams really do come true.

Omg, I can’t believe tomorrow I will be living out a childhood dream and I’m so flipping excited,ย ย I could scream. ย ๐Ÿ˜Š

With that said I’m going to end this one short and leave you with this weeks trip down memory lane.

Funny enough, it just happens to be about dreams.

so without further ado I wish you an awesome weekend. Stay safe, happy and true.

Much luv

๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน

Every so often I am shown that giving up on a dream I lived for, doesn’t have to be a huge mistake.
Once again I have been shown I could have this dream but I now see that, what I have now in my life, my daughter, my amazing other half and love and support from my friends and growing family is much more rewarding and fills my heart with much more light and love than what I ever could have had if I had followed that dream.
Sometimes giving up on a dream may feel wrong and you may regret your choice, but you wouldn’t be where you are today or even who you are today with out that.
Today I am happy with my choices and thankful for the life I have lived because it has brought me to now, a time of new beginnings, hopes and dreams and a love that grows every second of everyday.
Right now my life is pretty perfect.

Flashback Friday

It was one of those weeks when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold, when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
Even though the sun shines and summer hearts rejoice in the carefree nature that the warming sun brings, winter seems to have crept into our life’s this week.
It’s been a week of fear, hope and strength.
My little girl, collapsed at school and was rushed to hospital.
I have felt fear before, every night I live with the fear that she will stop breathing and I won’t be able to help her, that I won’t be able to reach her in time.
So when I got the call that she was on route to the hospital, every fear I have ever felt, came crashing down around me, suffocating me.
My baby girl was alone and in desperate need of her mummy.
I know I can’t be there 24-7, I can’t wrap her in cotton wool, she has to live her life the best she can and I can’t control every situation she faces but I so wish I could. I wish I could take everything away from her, take the pain, the breathlessness, the dizziness, the headaches, but most of all the fear. I wish she didn’t have to face a life that she has no control over, I wish she could be carefree. I would give anything and everything to be able to give her a life full of amazing health but I can’t, all I can do is give her enough love to help her through all the trails and tribulations that she faces.
I love being a single mum, the pride I feel is worth every minute of hard work being a single mum brings but at times like these, I wish I had Ross’s hand to hold, his whispers in my ear, that she’s going to ok, like he once did when she was so desperately sick as a newborn.
Facing this alone is extremely hard at times, the waiting while she’s in surgery, is a nightmare come true, the silence is deafening, the fear is intoxicating.
So after having a valve replaced, she’s home where she belongs and I really couldn’t be more grateful.
The sun is once again shining upon us. โ˜€๏ธ
I’m more than grateful this week is over, I truly never want to face a week like it ever again.
All I can say is thank F*** it’s Friday, which of course means one thing, it’s time to rewind back the hand of time and to reminisce happier times.
So I’ll leave you now and wish you a happy sun filled weekend, let the sun warm your spirit and the breeze cool your troubles.
Have a good one peeps, take care, stay safe and enjoy loads of ice cream.๐Ÿฆ

๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน

Dear Marly-Kate,
In the lands of fairies and dragons, Lily pads and waterfalls, the air is clear and sky’s are blue.
We dance around the brooks and sing in tune.
Our spirits sour and are hearts alight,
Our feet are feathers, so pure and light.
We sour on the autumn breeze and take flight.
Our wings a flutter, we glide so softly.
Dancing freely in the summer rays, Twirling and twisting to the sound of a new day.
The morning dew sparkles as the sunlight twinkle’s on the Lily pads and dragonflies twirl and shimmer.
The morning is alive with elegance, hope and delight.
Come dance with me on this daybreak, come be free and embrace the delights that bewitch you.
As night-time closes in and the stars begin to shine, the earth falls into harmony.
The moon light guilds our night.
Our day is drawing in and we are sleepy, our minds still carry the songs of the day.
We’re still floating and dancing, from the magical day.
And as I lay you down to sleep and kiss you good night, I wish you sweet dreams my child and turn out the light.
I whisper that I love you and at the rise of the sun is a new day,
where we can chase rainbows, ride unicorns and fly with the butterflies.
Sleep peacefully my darling Marly-Kate. I bid you good night.  โ™ฅ

๐Ÿฆ‹๐Ÿฆ‹๐Ÿฆ‹

Not so FBF

It’s been a week full of emotions that I just can’t handle dealing with, so I have to try to push them deep down within.
It’s also been the week that holds a Birthday of the most amazing special guy in my life. Him being him, he was the one gifting me a pressie. How sweet is that.
The week has flown by again and it’s been pretty full on. My bud Rich decided to pop in with paint and is giving my kitchen a once over, it’s been pretty nice having him around to be honest, Marly-Kate adores him and was more than happy to pick up a paintbrush and lend him a hand, puppy joined in to and managed to walk paint through the house and has a lovely new whitish coat to show for his hard work. ๐Ÿ˜œ
Marly-Kate and I have gone on short bike rides and had picnics ย in the sunshine. โ˜€๏ธI love school holidays, we get to spend quality time together, with no morning stress to get her in the classroom. She still dislikes school intensely, if your one of the lucky ones that can read her blog, she sums it up Pretty well on there. I shouldn’t laugh, but her posts are just so funny.

I love how she sees the world, it’s so pure.
I’ve always said that I wish I could see the world through her eyes. How wonderful would it be to watch bubbles floating the way she does, the excitement and pure joy as she tries her hardest to catch them without popping them. The way she sits as quite as a mouse ๐Ÿญ watching ladybugs ๐Ÿž, ants ๐Ÿœ and any other insects that catch her eye. You can hear her talking to them and laughing to herself as she makes up little stories about what they are doing and how their life’s are lived. It’s so magical, it truly is. ๐Ÿ’—
Why as adults do we lose the ability to create beauty in our own minds?
Watching her climb trees ๐ŸŒฒ, rope swing across the river, giving her cousin DJ a run for his money, has to be the most wonderful gift I’ve ever been given. She truly is a beautiful spirit and I’m honoured to have her in my life, she is pure bliss and my ray of sunshine. I’m so very proud of her.

So the weekend is upon us, that means it’s time to rewind time and revisit older blog posts.
I have no idea what I’m going to share with you today so I think I may just leave it and wish you a sun filled weekend.
Have a good one peeps and hopefully see you back here soon.

๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน

 

Flashback Friday

It’s been a while.
Life has been kinda hard over the last few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time with my mum, which has been special, if only it had been under better circumstances.

I knew something was a miss when I opened the door and my mum and dad were stood there. It’s a long old drive, just to pop in for a coffee.

May seems to alway be an awful month for me, not just me, but mum to. If I could only blink and May and June would be over, sadly that’s not the case, so I’ll just have to face them while being as strong as I can.

So mum tells me that she has her latest MRI results back. My heart sunk right that second and I knew it wasn’t going to be good news, they wouldn’t be sat in my sofa if everything was rosie.
Her brain tumour has grown, not huge amounts but still its larger than it was 3 months ago, the problem is, it’s deep, deep within her brain so it can not be removed. ๐Ÿ˜ขNot only that though but they discover on her scan that a large part of her brain has died and that they believe she has had a stroke.
If you know my mum, you’ll know that is her worst fear, I think it’s most people’s. Mum though is very high risk as her heart no longer pumps on its own and it’s her pacemaker that is keeping her alive, meaning she does not get enough oxygen to her brain. She alway has such high blood pressure that the machines just can not read it.
We as a family have been down this road so many times it’s just seems the norm. With loosing my dear sister to a heart-attack to Marley-Kate having major heart problems and my mum being a ticking time bomb, it’s just become part of everyday life but we have already lived through the heartbreak of loosing Jane and know the danger first hand of what mum and Marly-Kate face everyday.
It’s just sucks and there is nothing we can do but smile and try our up most to get on with life.

The past few weeks, we’ve spent a lot of time just chilling in each others company, not much has been said, just trying to take in the information and being there together through the stress and realisation of how life has to change, how life could change. We’ve sat and snuggled, held hands and just been there, no words were needed, that’s why this weeks flashback is so fitting even though I wrote it a few years ago and it held a total different meaning and was about the love of my life, it really does make sense and fits with the last few weeks of life here.
So without further ado I will wish you a happy long sun filled weekend and I’ll give you this weeks flashback Friday……..
take care my lovelies.

The power of touch, something so special that the world can see but only your can feel. I have never seen the importance of touch and the meaning behind it until about a year ago, when my views were changed and I began to understand how wonderful and powerful a small touch really is.
A small token of a squeeze of the hand when you need support. A stroke of the skin, to know you are wanted. A hug to give either love or support.
In the last few days, I have learn more so, how important these little gestures are. The most important one being the holding of hands, so much can be learnt from this alone.โ€จWhen a hand is in hand, two bodies become one, you bond on a level, that only the two of you can feel.โ€จYou gain acceptance and truth, mixed with hope and love. You are suddenly not alone in the strange universe, you have meaning for existing.โ€จAnd while I do not know where I am going with this blog or its point or purpose, I know deep within my heart, the words and meaning I am trying to say, and as they get lost before I can find a way to express the feeling that run through my soul and I have no way to explain, what I’m desperately trying to get across, I know right now I’m lost and alone, but I have full understanding that when his hand is in mine that life becomes beautiful all over again, that when he touches my skin, I become alive. When our lips meet, I’m no longer alone.โ€จNo words are needed when our two souls exchange the simplest touch. Words lose their meaning and I can feel the gift he is giving me, from one movement alone. I know he loves me. โค๏ธโ€จSo maybe the meaning to this blog, is, to try to say….. Don’t always use words, speak loader than that, for words are just words, it’s what lies in the heart that matters, it’s the touch, the soul and the eyes that will speak volumes on levels that can never be expressed in words.โ€จHold the one you love, speak though bodies not through words imbedded in you head since birth. There is more to life than speech.โ€จThe song posted below even though cheesy, sums it up perfectly.

Have a good day guys, and if you love someone show them.

Flashback Friday, but not so.

This week will soon be the past, and has flown by,I can’t believe it’s over already, had we dare to blink.
So a mundane week just turned pretty damn awesome, I’ve just been dancing around my kitchen in delight.

“I’m so excited and I just can’t find it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.” ๐ŸŽค๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽต๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽค

I’ve just brought tickets to one of my life long dreams, omg I can’t believe I’m going. But that’s all I’m going to give away for now, your just have to watch this space to find out more. But boy I’ve got happy dancing feet on right now and nothing is going to ruin my mood. ๐Ÿ˜
Also I wrote an email for my cousin that she sent to her son’s school, BAM, we got a result, he only got to try out at county trails and he flipping smashed it. ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿป
So proud of him, I knew he could do it, to top that a new Personal best. I’m also chuffed to bits that we proved the school wrong. This weeks turned out pretty damn exciting.
So it’s Flashback Friday and haven’t really got a clue what to share with you so think I’ll leave it for today and just wish you the most amazing weekend.
Have a good one peeps and I’ll hopefully see you again soon.
Peace โœŒ๏ธ

๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽค๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽค๐ŸŽถ