Today I stepped back in time as we splashed in muddy puddles, played poo sticks, ran as fast as we could to find the perfect hiding place, giggling uncontrollably until our laughter gave us away, made a rope swing over the newly fast flowing river and let excitement of youth overcome us.
It was refreshing and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. Freedom is such a beautiful feeling that comes not often enough. It really did feel amazing to laugh as we had once had before adulthood took hold.
It was my trillionth turn on the rope swing, pushing harder and higher than I had dared to before, as I lost control and felt myself beginning to fall.
Rich, bless him, jumped into the water hoping to break my fall. His hand came to mine and without even realising it, my body froze and withdrew, landing in the freezing cold water below. As Marly-Kate, screeched with delight, clapping her hands for all her worth, time slowed to nearly a stop as I watched Rich hand come towards mine and faster than light retreat.
Pain washed over his face, as he turned and retreated out the water as fast as he could.
Those few seconds lasted in my mind a billion hours, as that deep gut punch hit me.
When did I fear human touch so much, that I would put fear into a friend whom only wanted to help me? Would it have been that bad for me to take his hand and let him help me out of the ice-cold water.
Why am I so weak that I can’t see that my hang ups, hurt the few people I care about.
Touch, especially hand holding, to me is extremely personal and ever since I was with Ross, I haven’t been able to let anyone touch me, even a hug from my mum, I pull away. If my hand is touched, I pull away without even thinking about it.
I know that no one can ever make me feel how Ross made me feel, no one ever could even come close, to how it felt when any part of our bodies touched, I can’t even begin to try to explain it, we just fitted, even melted together.
I have never felt anything like it and I never will or want to feel that with anyone else, it’s just not possible anyway.
But still I can’t stand for anyone, I seriously mean anyone to told my hand, comfort me, care for me.
And I’m deeply sorry for that, I’m sorry if I hurt you Rich, I’m sorry that you felt that you had to turn from me so I you wouldn’t have to feel the rejection that we both knew would follow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m so emotionally scarred, I can’t even let one of my closest most loyal friend lend me a hand.


What can I say….

My week, well what can I say about my week.
It’s been busy.
That seems to be the norm at the moment, I’m so needing me time, so me being me, I packed bags, jumped in Rich’s van, puppy in the back, Marly-Kate safely in her car seat next to me and we hit the road.
The moors ahead of us, the autumn sun shining, freedom awaited.
We stopped as soon as we hit the moors and did our norm, of shouting our worries away, them traveling in the breeze, giving us freedom of mind as well as spirit.
That really has to be one of my favourite things about our road trips, add in that good old English fry up, bubbling brook, roaring fire and warming our cold hands on the Rayburn. You could almost call it, “Coming home.” (How I long to feel that feeling)
Marley-Kate is definitely at her happiest and of course having a few days school free, gives her a new lease of life.
She’s been poorly for a few weeks now, and as the cold weather creeps in, so do the chest infections, and nights of stress as her breathing becomes more difficult.
Somehow the moors seem to have healing powers and finds energy she has no where else.
She is at home here, free and even more beautiful than normal, even if she is knee-deep in mud, straw and cow dung. She loves every moment of it.
As for me……
Exhaustion has set in this week, making every task so much harder, my lists of jobs, seem to grow as I try desperately to tick off daily jobs, stay on top of work, and just find time to do all the things that life demands.
A few days out, is definitely what’s needed, hook and yarn at the ready, I’m determined to find my own freedom, while I do the things that bring me peace and a sense of worth.
Life seems to have a way of getting stuck in a rut, days just blend into one another as the daily household tasks never seem to end.
I swear my cousin has lost his function to tidy up after himself, and sees me as his little slave. I don’t mind really, that boy works so hard. He does worry me though, he hasn’t totally bounced back since his accident and is really withdrawn from the world. Maybe it’s just him becoming an adult and working out that life has many battles, and who stays along for the ride, is very different to what your once young mind imagined it would be.
Growing up sucks, it really does, but the lessons learnt while finding adulthood are some of the hardest to learn. He will get there, and make us all proud as he already does.
So all in all, life is just ticking along, no dramas, which is always a blessing and lots to look forward to, great friends and lots to occupy my mind which always manages to keep me thinking to deeply, reminding me of the pain that I have pushed deep within, somehow it doesn’t want to stay there, it always manages to creep through the smile I try so hard to wear, it creeps in, within seconds of waking and holds its own as I try my up most to wear that smile, that everyone expects me to wear.
The problem is, no matter how good life can be, that emptiness, those feelings, the devastation, the love I feel, the longing, the heartbreak and the grief doesn’t ease not even for a second, I’ve just got kind of good at hiding it.
But let’s not go there!
Let’s enjoy the freedom that Friday brings.

Have an awesome one, enjoy the sunshine, sing loud and badly, and dance as if no one is watching.


What’s the secret..?

imagePeople and dreams..Inspiration and creativity..
What a combination of life…What’s the secret..?

A hidden treasure that nobody will find..!

Recognise the difference between things you need and things you want. Our culture bombards us with messages about material things that will make our lives better.
The reality is that most of these things will clutter our lives without bringing true happiness. Free yourself from the culture of excess and learn to be content with fewer possessions and greater simplicity.
If you spend your life playing out a role that society or someone else defines, you’re missing out on the chance to follow your own desires. Your inner life is diminished when you are limited by conformity.

Why give up your freedom and allow all of your decisions to be defined by what you think you “should” do? Become a non-conformist and think for yourself, letting your passions be your guide.