O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree,
Your leaves are so unchanging 🌲

 

 

Adverts and movies, give the perfect impression of how we all wish our trees looked liked.🎄
Not just how they look but the magical feeling of all the family gathering around the tree decorating.
Even our memories play games and make us remember how wonderful it was to decorate the tree all together. To stand back, turn off the ceiling lights and see the beauty of Christmas come alive in front of our eyes.
In truth, who’s home is really like that?

My memories are of my step dad, loosing his cool when lights that worked perfectly before they went on the tree, didn’t work as soon as they clung to the branches.
Mum would be secretly pulling her hair out as we demanded to have our toilet roll Santa in full sight.
How we would all bicker about who’s turn it was to put the star on top of the tree.
It was far from how we all imagined it would be and somehow the tree would look picture perfect the next morning after Mum had redecorated it while we slept soundly in our beds.

Now I’m the Mum who dreams of the perfect tree, the best beautiful memories for my little girl.

Yesterday we decided to put up a tree, Marly-Kate, Rich and I went shopping for the perfect tree which couldn’t be larger than 5ft.
It was hammering with rain and we were as soggy as the field full of trees.
Marly-Kate picked the tree and all thoughts of size flow out the window. Rich straps it to the roof of his van and home we drive. Marly-Kate busting with excitement.
Well it all went horribly wrong from there.
The tree filled most of our lounge and was leaving puddles of water all over the floor.
Axe in hand, Rich goes about cutting branches off, trimming her down to size.
Finally she’s small enough for her position and it’s time to put on those lights that I had spent an age untangling.
Lights are on and finally looking as pretty as they will ever look.
Marly-Kate has a blast hanging all the decorations and we step back to see her masterpiece just as our kitten takes a running jump and lands in the middle of the tree 🤣
That’s when the laughter escaped as the lights went blank, never to work again.
Now the movies don’t do our tree decorating justice.
As I finally sat down last night with a huge mug of hot chocolate with all the trimmings, Rich and I laughed and laughed at the tree with no lights and the branches that are already turning brown and leaving a nice pile of pines under the tree.
Maybe our tree is far from perfect but the memories truly are perfection.

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree
How dead are your branches. 🎄

And now we’re really cooking with gas.

There’s nothing quite like sitting around with friends having great conversations over a delicious meal. Add some wine or beer (because we’re fancy like that) and now we’re really cooking with gas.

There is something special about sitting around the table to eat the meal you have just slaved away at for hours so you can fill you friends and family’s tummy’s.
Every week we make a point of all getting together for a good old feast, a chinwag and what every drink tickles your fancy.
We’ve been doing this since I returned from Paris and I have to say it’s probably the best day of the week for Marly-Kate and I.
Marly-Kate loves having everyone around, they all give her so much love, attention and time, to her they are her family.
That’s the main reason we started our feast night, so Marly-Kate could get a sense of what family life feels like.
As it just her and me and of course my baby cousin, it’s so easy just to slump in front of the tv with your dinner on your lap. I don’t want that for her, I want her to feel how dinner time should really feel.
The conversation, the smell of homemade food, the smiles, the laughter, the warm feeling that you get when all the family comes together, I want her to experience that and to hold warm memories.
Also when we get to eat good old dominos while chilling in-front of the tv, it’s special in its own way. 🍕

Though our family is spread over thousands of miles from Devon to Paris to Spain it’s not always easy to show her what family really means, that’s why feast night is so very important.
She understands that family isn’t all about blood, that it’s about the people who are never far from your side, it’s about the people who are there through the good and the bad, it’s about friendship, respect and love.
Family to us is coming together and enjoying a good meal not forced by blood but because we actually want to spend time together.

The past beats inside of me like a second heart

Memories are beautiful, making them is even more spectacular.

After a fun-filled weekend with the best of friends, way too much alcohol consumed, and a lifetime of belly laughs that dance happily inside our minds as they turn into the most special memories, I’m once more reminded that life is a treasure.
I smile knowingly that I will never forget the carnage, the laughs, the falls, that are now a forever moment in our minds.

Making new memories is truly a delight, one I never want to stop enjoying but there is always this part of me that will forever wish that he was by my side making them.
He’s the first person I want to tell my stories to but more so, he’s the one I want to make these memories with, he’s the one I want by my side, my partner in crime, my left hand man. It’s him who I should be making memories with.

Emotionally

Today I stepped back in time as we splashed in muddy puddles, played poo sticks, ran as fast as we could to find the perfect hiding place, giggling uncontrollably until our laughter gave us away, made a rope swing over the newly fast flowing river and let excitement of youth overcome us.
It was refreshing and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. Freedom is such a beautiful feeling that comes not often enough. It really did feel amazing to laugh as we had once had before adulthood took hold.
Until…..
It was my trillionth turn on the rope swing, pushing harder and higher than I had dared to before, as I lost control and felt myself beginning to fall.
Rich, bless him, jumped into the water hoping to break my fall. His hand came to mine and without even realising it, my body froze and withdrew, landing in the freezing cold water below. As Marly-Kate, screeched with delight, clapping her hands for all her worth, time slowed to nearly a stop as I watched Rich hand come towards mine and faster than light retreat.
Pain washed over his face, as he turned and retreated out the water as fast as he could.
Those few seconds lasted in my mind a billion hours, as that deep gut punch hit me.
When did I fear human touch so much, that I would put fear into a friend whom only wanted to help me? Would it have been that bad for me to take his hand and let him help me out of the ice-cold water.
Why am I so weak that I can’t see that my hang ups, hurt the few people I care about.
Touch, especially hand holding, to me is extremely personal and ever since I was with Ross, I haven’t been able to let anyone touch me, even a hug from my mum, I pull away. If my hand is touched, I pull away without even thinking about it.
I know that no one can ever make me feel how Ross made me feel, no one ever could even come close, to how it felt when any part of our bodies touched, I can’t even begin to try to explain it, we just fitted, even melted together.
I have never felt anything like it and I never will or want to feel that with anyone else, it’s just not possible anyway.
But still I can’t stand for anyone, I seriously mean anyone to told my hand, comfort me, care for me.
And I’m deeply sorry for that, I’m sorry if I hurt you Rich, I’m sorry that you felt that you had to turn from me so I you wouldn’t have to feel the rejection that we both knew would follow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m so emotionally scarred, I can’t even let one of my closest most loyal friend lend me a hand.

Close to perfection

A new day, rain on the window panes, wind soaring through the branches of the trees, the bubbling brook turning into a fast flowing river.
Nature is at its best, teaching us that he is in control.
Mud sticking to our wheelies as we struggle to stay upright as it takes hold, not letting go.
Rain drops running off our noses, hair soaked, along with everything right down to our toes.
Autumn is definitely upon us.
As we strip down to bare essentials and warm ourselves by the fire, this moment is close to perfection, as we giggle at the sight that we will forever behold in our memories.

Hold on

I’m not sure if I have shared this before, I think I must have, I feel the need to share it again, with two suicides in the last month, friends that are struggling and the winter months ahead that seems to bring with darker moods, I really do feel like I should share a little of my journey. Hopefully it may at least help someone, anyone who feels lost, alone and scared of the emotional torment they are facing.

🌹🌹🌹

There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by postnatal depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.

Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.

Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.

Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my absolutely gorgeous, kind, caring, loving other half, my family and friends, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.

Nothing is that bad you can’t carry on. You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you friends, family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?

Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.
True friends will always be there for you no matter what and as I learnt through the bad times you soon find out who cares and who doesn’t. And even though this adds to the depression, it is a good thing, you will see people walk away but you have learnt a true lesson about friends and what you have left is the valve of friendship, you have no more snakes in the grass.

My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put my in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.

When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.

The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.

Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.

My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on here that seems depressed please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention. That person could really need your help. Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.

Don’t say it enough

Random thought of the day.

I probably don’t say it enough but thankyou to all my friends, old and new who always believe in me.
It is and has been a very hard struggle, but I am grateful I managed to keep moving forward when all I really wanted/want to do is fall asleep and not wake.
There are also a few really special people in my life, who have always been my inspiration, my shoulder and my support, I owe them my life and I thank you.
So if you go into a place where there seems nothing but darkness please reach out and turn to those who will help pull you through, you never ever have to feel alone.
Keep positive even when it feels impossible and never stop fighting to make your dreams come true.

Flashback Friday

After one of the most stressful, emotion filled weeks of our life’s I’m more than glad it’s over.
I’ve learnt a lot this week, sadly though it’s mostly been negative.
I’ve learnt that there are people who just want to cause trouble, spread lies and twist rumours, not giving a damn about who they hurt in the long run.
I’ve also learnt that life can be snatched away from you in a blink of an eye. That family is a tricky thing that I will never understand. Blood isn’t always thicker than water.
All in all, I’ve learnt that love, caring and compassion seems to be a thing of the past, and I’m ashamed to call myself a human, because from what we’ve seen this week, most people are monsters that are hiding under your bed.
It’s so sad, it really is.
We live in a world were money rules, and love and compassion just doesn’t
Seem to exist.
The ripple effect is truly a real thing and it’s hard, extremely hard to deal with. I have also learnt that when the going gets tough, I mean really tough that sometimes there are just no words, no amount of love, hugs or support that can help.
I’ve known this for a long time but when the shoe is on the other foot and you’re the one that’s trying your hardest to be the shoulder, the one to give support, the one trying to put the world to rights and nothing seems to be helping, it’s the worst feeling in the world. When all you want to do is take the pain away and you just can’t, you have no clue how to make it better, it extremely heart-crushing.
I’ve also learnt that I live off my nerves, that I think way to deep and worry about every single little detail, making the whole situation worse for myself.
I guess that’s what comes from caring, loving and being compassionate.
Is it a flaw or is it good thing to care so deeply? I really don’t know anymore.
Am I a bad person because I care too much?
How can caring be a bad thing?
All I know right now is I wish I could put my arms around all the people I love and protect them from this evil twisted world.

So it’s Friday and time to reflect on times gone past. But as I look back and try to find the perfect post to share with you, tears roll down my face at all the pain that these pages hold but also all the love they do to.
I truly am an emotional person and I’m not sure if that is a good thing.
There goes that ripple effect again.

So anyway I best get going and get on the best I can with my day, leaving you with this weeks Flashback Friday but first I would like to thank all my friends and family who have messaged, phoned, visited the hospital and just been there. It’s truly warming and I treasure you all.

Have a good one peeps, enjoy that Friday feeling, and try to show someone you care, you never know, you could be saving them.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
Much love
Rose. 🌹

 

Why can’t a woman be more like a man.

A women’s mind never stops ticking, we just can’t turn off. Constantly lost in thought, more than likely twisting and turning every thing until we have it totally wrong in our heads, causing problems where there is not any to start with.

So why do we do it ? Why do we run on our emotions, and how come men can just turn it off like a light bulb ? Or can they ? Is it all a cover to what really runs through their brains ?

Are we so different ?

One of the all time classics, sums up to me perfectly what I guessing most men think about women.

Got to admit, this song has given a few giggles. All round fantastic film. A lot can be learnt from it.

Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic’ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can’t a woman be like that?
Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?
Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev’rything their mothers do?
Why don’t they grow up- well, like their father instead?
Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you are with them, you’re always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?

Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

Well, why can’t a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there’s one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
Why can’t a woman take after like a man?
Cause men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?

If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?

Would you complain if I took out another fellow?

Well, why can’t a woman be like us?

Mrs. Pearce, you’re a woman…
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can’t a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straight’ning up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?
Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
If I was a woman who’d been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
Why can’t a woman be like me?

So why is it, we women fuss about everything, that we care too much, and run off of every god damn emotion ? Driving ourselves to the point of despair.

And why do men, close down on any feeling that they may have, pretending that it just isn’t happening ?

Why are we so different ? Are we really from two different planets ?

After a little I mean little research on this topic this morning, I have found that we are really not that different.

We all feel, but they just decide to hide it, for many different reasons. From what I have read, they just don’t seem to be able to handle it, so bury their heads in the sand. Out of sight out of mind, so to speck.
Guys, we can’t handle it either, if this is a help to you.

Reading forums this morning, most guys admit, they put on a front so they don’t look weak and admit that more than likely they think more than women, but dealing with it through trips to the pub with their mates. Acting the hard guy.

The over all view is

Feelings Are Feminine

Men grow up seeing women talk, opening up to one another, and crying. They see their father watching sports or working. When they fall parents may say,

“Big boys don’t cry”

and with girls, they see its ok, to show what they are feeling, from watching their mothers. When they fall, they are told,

“Its alright darling, your be ok, it’s just a little bump, wipe your tears away.”

Is this none emotional image drilled into them since birth, as it was for their own fathers and their father’s before them.

I have to say, guys raised by mothers alone, seem to be much more open, that is something special.

I have to admit I have met very few man who do show their emotions, but the ones I have, have been a delight. You get to know that person on a deeper level. You really get to know them, not the hard case that many wear.

To me men that show that they have feeling, have a good cry, even to a movie, makes them 100% a real man.

so soften up lads, sure us women what you are really made of.

Butterfly 🦋

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

In desperate need of an uplift, my mum and friends Rich and Sammy decided to take me on a little advantage.
All I was told was to put on semi smart clothes (their way of saying make an effort with yourself) slap on some makeup and do your hair.
No much to go on, but the jeans went on, a pretty shirt and a little eyeliner, hair brushed but that’s about it, my hair is so long now, it’s the norm for it to be thrown into a messy bun, just to get it out the way.
I get picked up and we head to a little restaurant, we eat pasta and pizza, and chat happily, still none the wiser to where we go from here.
Mum clock watches so I know we must be on a schedule. Hmmmmm what could it be?
After a slow walk down a hill I see a beautiful building to the side of me and I know where we are going but to see what, I still don’t know.
The theatre is a wash with people, but not really my age group.🎭 That’s puzzling. 🤔
After we people watch for a while, while mum hunts for our tickets, Rich, Sammy and I laugh at being the spring chickens at the ball. We really are the youngest there.
Mum passes me my ticket and I now know what we are watching.
Omg it’s a love story, one full of pain, and death. Not my idea of fun but I have never seen a real opera so I gave it ago.

The Plot.

Madam Butterfly is sang in Italian but there were subtitles so you know what is going on. (Thank goodness for that)

The music was pretty amazing and reminded me of Sunday lunch growing up.
Mum would always play the same three cd’s on a Sunday as she cooked our Sunday lunch (one of my good childhood memories)
She either played, The Corrs, War of the worlds or Madam Butterfly. 🦋
It took me back to the smell of Roast dinners and the sound of mum trying her up most to hit the high notes as she sang along. 🤣

I’ve always had a love for The Phantom of the Opera, I’ve seen it many times at the theatre but I had never seen any others. I imagined them to be pretty full on, very loud and hard to follow. I was very wrong.

I will always remember being snuggled up in a over sized hotel bed, listening over and over again to my Phantom tape on my Walkman. A memory I hold very close to my heart.
The Phantom of the opera now hold new wonderful memories, that make it impossible to listen to.

Back to Madam Butterfly. 🦋

The plot was very, very touching and by the end, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house, it was extremely moving. I swear I even saw a tear from Rich.
The leading lady aka Madam Butterfly was extraordinary, her voice touched every nerve and sent goosebumps tingling all over your body. I really can’t praise her another.
The lead man – Captain Pinkerton wasn’t as strong, if anything a little too quite, which was a shame but still he did a pretty amazing job.
For some reason, they didn’t get the standing ovation they deserved.
And boy, the lead deserved one, she put every inch of herself into her performance. It really saddened me to think of her taking her bow and not receiving the credit she deserved.
I’ve been on the other end of a few standing ovations and that feeling of pride, self-worth and even self-love is probably one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever felt. It’s a buzz that can’t be explained, it warms the soul, it truly does. She deserved to feel that, she gave her all to please her audience.

All in all, it was a pretty special evening and an eye opener to say the least.
The older generation, are so bloody long in the tooth, so high and blooming mighty, that they can’t give credit where credit is due and that saddens me to the bone.

How could it be?

I’ve spent some much-needed time with my truly delightful friend Sammy.
She’s wonderful and makes me laugh constantly, we always have giggle fits and once we start we can’t stop.
It’s just what that doctors ordered.
She can though be very out spoken and say things just how she sees them, it’s not a bad thing but it does make it very hard to be the closed book I have become with all my friends. I adore her for it.
She won’t give up on trying to get me to open up.
It’s constantly……..

“When will you be ready to date?”
“Why are you not angry?”
“Do you think you can love again?”

She’s always trying so hard to fix me up with a friend, an awesome friend of ours.
I know it’s because she cares, that she wants only the best for me, she wants me to be as happy and in love as much as she is.
Now her and her amazing husband have been together for like ever, they have a beautiful family and an even more beautiful relationship/marriage.
I don’t know of any other couples who look at each other the way they do, (well I did, we were like that, the love shown from us.)
It truly warms the soul how connected, how loved, and how humble, Sammy and her husband are, it’s a beautiful thing, a truly beautiful thing.
But boy, she doesn’t give up, wanting that for me. It’s sweet, it really is.

The thing is, how can I ever date again?
My heart, soul and body belong to someone else. That love, those feelings haven’t faded with time and I really can’t see them doing so.
Ok I’m angry, but more than anything I’m hurt, but I gave my heart to him and that means everything in my book.
It means you don’t give up at the hardest hurdle.
It’s not that I want to love him, trust me I really don’t but I can’t hate him either, I’ve tried, I’ve seriously tried to. Yes I have moments when I let the anger get to me but the love I hold so deep within my shattered heart wins over ever time.😡
And that’s why, I can never love again, because I’m already head over heels in love. ❤️
It wouldn’t be fair to, how could it be?