Its almost like

When I let my mind wander, to the time I was truly happy, this one song always comes on randomly. It’s almost like I’m being told to stop torturing myself, that Porter is up there somewhere looking out for me.

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And now we’re really cooking with gas.

There’s nothing quite like sitting around with friends having great conversations over a delicious meal. Add some wine or beer (because we’re fancy like that) and now we’re really cooking with gas.

There is something special about sitting around the table to eat the meal you have just slaved away at for hours so you can fill you friends and family’s tummy’s.
Every week we make a point of all getting together for a good old feast, a chinwag and what every drink tickles your fancy.
We’ve been doing this since I returned from Paris and I have to say it’s probably the best day of the week for Marly-Kate and I.
Marly-Kate loves having everyone around, they all give her so much love, attention and time, to her they are her family.
That’s the main reason we started our feast night, so Marly-Kate could get a sense of what family life feels like.
As it just her and me and of course my baby cousin, it’s so easy just to slump in front of the tv with your dinner on your lap. I don’t want that for her, I want her to feel how dinner time should really feel.
The conversation, the smell of homemade food, the smiles, the laughter, the warm feeling that you get when all the family comes together, I want her to experience that and to hold warm memories.
Also when we get to eat good old dominos while chilling in-front of the tv, it’s special in its own way. 🍕

Though our family is spread over thousands of miles from Devon to Paris to Spain it’s not always easy to show her what family really means, that’s why feast night is so very important.
She understands that family isn’t all about blood, that it’s about the people who are never far from your side, it’s about the people who are there through the good and the bad, it’s about friendship, respect and love.
Family to us is coming together and enjoying a good meal not forced by blood but because we actually want to spend time together.

The past beats inside of me like a second heart

Memories are beautiful, making them is even more spectacular.

After a fun-filled weekend with the best of friends, way too much alcohol consumed, and a lifetime of belly laughs that dance happily inside our minds as they turn into the most special memories, I’m once more reminded that life is a treasure.
I smile knowingly that I will never forget the carnage, the laughs, the falls, that are now a forever moment in our minds.

Making new memories is truly a delight, one I never want to stop enjoying but there is always this part of me that will forever wish that he was by my side making them.
He’s the first person I want to tell my stories to but more so, he’s the one I want to make these memories with, he’s the one I want by my side, my partner in crime, my left hand man. It’s him who I should be making memories with.

A smile that bursts.

It’s funny how you get a text and you nearly wet yourself with laughter.

This morning my buddy Rich sent me a text and I nearly fall to the floor laughing.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in an age and boy it felt good.🤣
The funny thing is, I use to get texts like that from my dear friend Porter.
Not many days went by that he didn’t have me in stitches, he really was a clown. 🤡
I miss him terribly but I will always hold his kind, caring, jaw aching funniness close to my heart and remember that the two people I call my best friends, (Ross and Porter) were the two people who could make me smile, laugh and love life, like no others ever could.
Remembering the happy times, the most wonderful , the most precious times, warms my soul and gives me a little peace in a world that is now foreign to me.

Not so FBF

It’s been a week full of emotions that I just can’t handle dealing with, so I have to try to push them deep down within.
It’s also been the week that holds a Birthday of the most amazing special guy in my life. Him being him, he was the one gifting me a pressie. How sweet is that.
The week has flown by again and it’s been pretty full on. My bud Rich decided to pop in with paint and is giving my kitchen a once over, it’s been pretty nice having him around to be honest, Marly-Kate adores him and was more than happy to pick up a paintbrush and lend him a hand, puppy joined in to and managed to walk paint through the house and has a lovely new whitish coat to show for his hard work. 😜
Marly-Kate and I have gone on short bike rides and had picnics  in the sunshine. ☀️I love school holidays, we get to spend quality time together, with no morning stress to get her in the classroom. She still dislikes school intensely, if your one of the lucky ones that can read her blog, she sums it up Pretty well on there. I shouldn’t laugh, but her posts are just so funny.

I love how she sees the world, it’s so pure.
I’ve always said that I wish I could see the world through her eyes. How wonderful would it be to watch bubbles floating the way she does, the excitement and pure joy as she tries her hardest to catch them without popping them. The way she sits as quite as a mouse 🐭 watching ladybugs 🐞, ants 🐜 and any other insects that catch her eye. You can hear her talking to them and laughing to herself as she makes up little stories about what they are doing and how their life’s are lived. It’s so magical, it truly is. 💗
Why as adults do we lose the ability to create beauty in our own minds?
Watching her climb trees 🌲, rope swing across the river, giving her cousin DJ a run for his money, has to be the most wonderful gift I’ve ever been given. She truly is a beautiful spirit and I’m honoured to have her in my life, she is pure bliss and my ray of sunshine. I’m so very proud of her.

So the weekend is upon us, that means it’s time to rewind time and revisit older blog posts.
I have no idea what I’m going to share with you today so I think I may just leave it and wish you a sun filled weekend.
Have a good one peeps and hopefully see you back here soon.

🌹🌹🌹

 

Have you?

Have you ever received an email that touched you so deeply, your soul wept?
I have.
On Sunday, I received the most beautiful, touching email, I can’t begin to explain how it touched me, all I know is, it got me on all different levels of emotions. From forbidden tears, to understanding, to just being there at the hardest and most heartbreaking time of the year.
It was like finally someone understood, truly understood.
It was pretty damn amazing and I’m honoured to have had the pleasure of reading it, over and over again.
How I reply to it I don’t know, I’ve tried, really tried but no words are good enough, no amount of Thank you’s can suffice.

How could it be?

I’ve spent some much-needed time with my truly delightful friend Sammy.
She’s wonderful and makes me laugh constantly, we always have giggle fits and once we start we can’t stop.
It’s just what that doctors ordered.
She can though be very out spoken and say things just how she sees them, it’s not a bad thing but it does make it very hard to be the closed book I have become with all my friends. I adore her for it.
She won’t give up on trying to get me to open up.
It’s constantly……..

“When will you be ready to date?”
“Why are you not angry?”
“Do you think you can love again?”

She’s always trying so hard to fix me up with a friend, an awesome friend of ours.
I know it’s because she cares, that she wants only the best for me, she wants me to be as happy and in love as much as she is.
Now her and her amazing husband have been together for like ever, they have a beautiful family and an even more beautiful relationship/marriage.
I don’t know of any other couples who look at each other the way they do, (well I did, we were like that, the love shown from us.)
It truly warms the soul how connected, how loved, and how humble, Sammy and her husband are, it’s a beautiful thing, a truly beautiful thing.
But boy, she doesn’t give up, wanting that for me. It’s sweet, it really is.

The thing is, how can I ever date again?
My heart, soul and body belong to someone else. That love, those feelings haven’t faded with time and I really can’t see them doing so.
Ok I’m angry, but more than anything I’m hurt, but I gave my heart to him and that means everything in my book.
It means you don’t give up at the hardest hurdle.
It’s not that I want to love him, trust me I really don’t but I can’t hate him either, I’ve tried, I’ve seriously tried to. Yes I have moments when I let the anger get to me but the love I hold so deep within my shattered heart wins over ever time.😡
And that’s why, I can never love again, because I’m already head over heels in love. ❤️
It wouldn’t be fair to, how could it be?