When I let my mind wander, to the time I was truly happy, this one song always comes on randomly. It’s almost like I’m being told to stop torturing myself, that Porter is up there somewhere looking out for me.
Tag Archives: Friendship
And now we’re really cooking with gas.
There’s nothing quite like sitting around with friends having great conversations over a delicious meal. Add some wine or beer (because we’re fancy like that) and now we’re really cooking with gas.
There is something special about sitting around the table to eat the meal you have just slaved away at for hours so you can fill you friends and family’s tummy’s.
Every week we make a point of all getting together for a good old feast, a chinwag and what every drink tickles your fancy.
We’ve been doing this since I returned from Paris and I have to say it’s probably the best day of the week for Marly-Kate and I.
Marly-Kate loves having everyone around, they all give her so much love, attention and time, to her they are her family.
That’s the main reason we started our feast night, so Marly-Kate could get a sense of what family life feels like.
As it just her and me and of course my baby cousin, it’s so easy just to slump in front of the tv with your dinner on your lap. I don’t want that for her, I want her to feel how dinner time should really feel.
The conversation, the smell of homemade food, the smiles, the laughter, the warm feeling that you get when all the family comes together, I want her to experience that and to hold warm memories.
Also when we get to eat good old dominos while chilling in-front of the tv, it’s special in its own way. 🍕
Though our family is spread over thousands of miles from Devon to Paris to Spain it’s not always easy to show her what family really means, that’s why feast night is so very important.
She understands that family isn’t all about blood, that it’s about the people who are never far from your side, it’s about the people who are there through the good and the bad, it’s about friendship, respect and love.
Family to us is coming together and enjoying a good meal not forced by blood but because we actually want to spend time together.
The past beats inside of me like a second heart
Memories are beautiful, making them is even more spectacular.
After a fun-filled weekend with the best of friends, way too much alcohol consumed, and a lifetime of belly laughs that dance happily inside our minds as they turn into the most special memories, I’m once more reminded that life is a treasure.
I smile knowingly that I will never forget the carnage, the laughs, the falls, that are now a forever moment in our minds.
Making new memories is truly a delight, one I never want to stop enjoying but there is always this part of me that will forever wish that he was by my side making them.
He’s the first person I want to tell my stories to but more so, he’s the one I want to make these memories with, he’s the one I want by my side, my partner in crime, my left hand man. It’s him who I should be making memories with.
A smile that bursts.
It’s funny how you get a text and you nearly wet yourself with laughter.
This morning my buddy Rich sent me a text and I nearly fall to the floor laughing.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in an age and boy it felt good.🤣
The funny thing is, I use to get texts like that from my dear friend Porter.
Not many days went by that he didn’t have me in stitches, he really was a clown. 🤡
I miss him terribly but I will always hold his kind, caring, jaw aching funniness close to my heart and remember that the two people I call my best friends, (Ross and Porter) were the two people who could make me smile, laugh and love life, like no others ever could.
Remembering the happy times, the most wonderful , the most precious times, warms my soul and gives me a little peace in a world that is now foreign to me.
Not so FBF
It’s been a week full of emotions that I just can’t handle dealing with, so I have to try to push them deep down within.
It’s also been the week that holds a Birthday of the most amazing special guy in my life. Him being him, he was the one gifting me a pressie. How sweet is that.
The week has flown by again and it’s been pretty full on. My bud Rich decided to pop in with paint and is giving my kitchen a once over, it’s been pretty nice having him around to be honest, Marly-Kate adores him and was more than happy to pick up a paintbrush and lend him a hand, puppy joined in to and managed to walk paint through the house and has a lovely new whitish coat to show for his hard work. 😜
Marly-Kate and I have gone on short bike rides and had picnics in the sunshine. ☀️I love school holidays, we get to spend quality time together, with no morning stress to get her in the classroom. She still dislikes school intensely, if your one of the lucky ones that can read her blog, she sums it up Pretty well on there. I shouldn’t laugh, but her posts are just so funny.
I love how she sees the world, it’s so pure.
I’ve always said that I wish I could see the world through her eyes. How wonderful would it be to watch bubbles floating the way she does, the excitement and pure joy as she tries her hardest to catch them without popping them. The way she sits as quite as a mouse 🐭 watching ladybugs 🐞, ants 🐜 and any other insects that catch her eye. You can hear her talking to them and laughing to herself as she makes up little stories about what they are doing and how their life’s are lived. It’s so magical, it truly is. 💗
Why as adults do we lose the ability to create beauty in our own minds?
Watching her climb trees 🌲, rope swing across the river, giving her cousin DJ a run for his money, has to be the most wonderful gift I’ve ever been given. She truly is a beautiful spirit and I’m honoured to have her in my life, she is pure bliss and my ray of sunshine. I’m so very proud of her.
So the weekend is upon us, that means it’s time to rewind time and revisit older blog posts.
I have no idea what I’m going to share with you today so I think I may just leave it and wish you a sun filled weekend.
Have a good one peeps and hopefully see you back here soon.
🌹🌹🌹
Have you?
Have you ever received an email that touched you so deeply, your soul wept?
I have.
On Sunday, I received the most beautiful, touching email, I can’t begin to explain how it touched me, all I know is, it got me on all different levels of emotions. From forbidden tears, to understanding, to just being there at the hardest and most heartbreaking time of the year.
It was like finally someone understood, truly understood.
It was pretty damn amazing and I’m honoured to have had the pleasure of reading it, over and over again.
How I reply to it I don’t know, I’ve tried, really tried but no words are good enough, no amount of Thank you’s can suffice.
How could it be?
I’ve spent some much-needed time with my truly delightful friend Sammy.
She’s wonderful and makes me laugh constantly, we always have giggle fits and once we start we can’t stop.
It’s just what that doctors ordered.
She can though be very out spoken and say things just how she sees them, it’s not a bad thing but it does make it very hard to be the closed book I have become with all my friends. I adore her for it.
She won’t give up on trying to get me to open up.
It’s constantly……..
“When will you be ready to date?”
“Why are you not angry?”
“Do you think you can love again?”
She’s always trying so hard to fix me up with a friend, an awesome friend of ours.
I know it’s because she cares, that she wants only the best for me, she wants me to be as happy and in love as much as she is.
Now her and her amazing husband have been together for like ever, they have a beautiful family and an even more beautiful relationship/marriage.
I don’t know of any other couples who look at each other the way they do, (well I did, we were like that, the love shown from us.)
It truly warms the soul how connected, how loved, and how humble, Sammy and her husband are, it’s a beautiful thing, a truly beautiful thing.
But boy, she doesn’t give up, wanting that for me. It’s sweet, it really is.
The thing is, how can I ever date again?
My heart, soul and body belong to someone else. That love, those feelings haven’t faded with time and I really can’t see them doing so.
Ok I’m angry, but more than anything I’m hurt, but I gave my heart to him and that means everything in my book.
It means you don’t give up at the hardest hurdle.
It’s not that I want to love him, trust me I really don’t but I can’t hate him either, I’ve tried, I’ve seriously tried to. Yes I have moments when I let the anger get to me but the love I hold so deep within my shattered heart wins over ever time.😡
And that’s why, I can never love again, because I’m already head over heels in love. ❤️
It wouldn’t be fair to, how could it be?
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.
They say,
“Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”
I’ve always struggled with that concept because I truly believe that even while men put on a huge front not to show emotions, they feel them just as deep as us women, I believe that from the bottom of my heart.
I have only met two men that have been able to show their emotions, even talk about them at times, it was a sight to behold and maybe that was why I was drawn to them, one being in friendship, one being in earth shattering love.
Both were raised by their mothers and I always thought that maybe just maybe this was the reason they let their guild down a little. I do believe that walls were still in place, walls that would take more than a life time to break down but still it was warming to my soul.
I will never fully understand why men shy away from what the heart is screaming at them and why they guard their emotions with such strength and determination.
Do they somehow not see that us women need just a tiny insight into the hearts of the men we care about.
It really is the greatest gift to show someone who you care, so why hide behind the toughest wall to break – PRIDE.
Pride is funny thing, we all have it, we all face the battle against it and we all let it bite off our nose to spite our face.
There really is no shame in letting down your guard, letting you emotions rule your head, if only for a few minutes.
We all want to feel cared about, we all want that deeper connection, we all want to feel worthy, to feel loved.
So why is it easier for women to show all these tiny elements of someone’s heart and soul, than it is for a man?
Is it in their upbringing?
Is it a case of male pride?
Or is really just that they are incapable of showing what they are feeling? (I don’t believe that for one second)
Or is it a case that some women are so full of their own insecurities, self-worth, that every thoughtful look, every men to men conversation, every silent moment, they draw upon that as a negative emotion, do they really think everything is about them.
They are silent because they are thinking about you?
They are chatting to each other about you?
I swear that’s not the case because no one knows what’s going on in someone’s else’s head or heart, no ones life totally evolves around their partner or friends, and that’s a good thing.
Why would you want that?
Why would you want to lose the person you got to know, you began to care about and maybe even fell in love with.
Not a single soul can consume another persons thoughts 24 7, and rightly so because if that was the case, you’ve already lost the person who you have connected with, be it in friendship or love.
Ok, I’m sure we all like to think that the person or persons you hold dear, think about us from time to time. That when they do, a smile forms on their lips.
That smile alone specks volumes, it shows emotion, truth and heart and to me that great thing.
Maybe we should all look at the little things in life, friendship or love and words may no longer be needed.
Maybe the guys have it right, maybe they don’t.
All I know is that we all have emotions, we are all not good at speaking them or even showing them but it doesn’t mean they are not there. Fighting desperately to get out, pushing down pride, brick by brick. And even though that wall is still solid and unbreakable, you just need to have faith that men and even women may not be able to let their walls crumble, it doesn’t mean they don’t care, that they don’t love you, it means that they are human and struggle as all humans do.
My walls may be higher than ever before, they may be rooted deeper than anyone wishes to dig, but I still feel deeply, love wholeheartedly, and hurt intensely.
Flashback Friday
I did it, I stayed positive all week and had a good week. Once again the hands of time travelled to fast and it’s Friday already.
So this week, I’ve spent a small fortune and completed my (dare I say it) Christmas shopping. It’s rolling in to fast and I just got this feeling I had to get it done. There are a few bits I have to make but those will have to wait for now.
I had a lovely day shopping with my mum and even though it took its toll on me, it was so very worth it. I’ve even taught a friend to do a craft that she has wanted to learn for a while, so all in all, it’s been a good week.
Until today that is.
I knew that today would be extremely hard as this date will always be.
Today is a special day not just for one but for two of the people I’ve ever held dear.
It’s Ross’s 30th today and even though I know he never reads this blog, I can’t help but wish him a happy 30th.
He made mine the most wonderful birthday I’ve ever had and I so wish I could do the same for him.
All I can do though is wish him a great day.
“Happy 30th Ross, I miss and love you”
With that said and as I try to push those emotions deep within my soul.
It also would have been my very dear friend Porter’s Birthday.
He would have been 40 today and boy how much fun would I have had taking the piss out of him.
I know how much he was dreading turning 40, he feared growing old, I’m sure that’s because he was so vain, lol 😂 and even though he would chill in baggy’s, and rough it like the rest of us, you could just tell, he wasn’t that comfortable. I guess that’s were we were so different, how I love, my comfy clothes, even more so now. I guess I feel that there isn’t any reason to dress up or put makeup on.
He would argue that case until the cows came home, he believed you should dress up for you and no one else. If you dress well, you feel better.
Maybe there is something in it, but I know I miss debating it with him.
So it’s flashback Friday and it’s proven to roll round on the perfect day for the perfect re-share.
So here goes…….
A message to heaven.
Couldn’t let today go by without listening to our song, so many memories, so many good times, bad and sad ones to, but you know chicken that even though everything has changed and life is now harder than ever, I still chat away to you, Zack and Jane and I hope your all happy and you remember us down here.
You know you are right up there on the list of the most fantastic people I have had in my life and I miss you, but I think you all are causing trouble together and that makes the pain of your passing a little easier. And I want to say sorry for letting you go without flying out. But I stood by your wishes, but living with that is hard. I know you wanted to do things your way and that’s why we all stayed away when we wanted to be there. Truth is though, goodbyes hurt no matter how or when, and I know you didn’t want tears, but there had been plenty from us all and you have left one beautiful lady behind who I believe her hearts bleeds for you.
But in doing so has made me see that giving up on love just can’t be done, time or life is too short.
Thank you for teaching me that, thank you for giving me many years of friendship.
Flashback Friday
The clock hands have been ticking, spinning around just like life does to many. I find my self another week older, maybe even wiser, definitely more humble and grateful for life’s little wonders and even though it’s been a long week, we somehow all made it through.
The weekend is upon us and freedom dances in the shadows. Winter has taken hold and beauty flickers in the crisp frozen mornings and the clear cold star lit nights.
How I love those cold, magical winter mornings, that let you see all different kinds of magic, as the day twinkle’s to life.
As I sit snuggled in my pj’s, under an ever so cosy blanket and watch the most enchanting series, which has me glued to the sofa, my mind is alight with imagination of how my life would have been all those years ago.
If only time machines existed, I would definitely roll back the hands of time and relive history.
History to me, is absolutely fascinating but while I lose myself in my own imagination, I know that mine is written in these pages and that is pretty special.
So as today is fastly becoming yesterday while the hands of time stop for no one, I best share with you a page of my own book of life and share a memory, it’s flashback Friday after all……
I have had the great honour of having a wonderful energy bought into my life and I wanted to thank her for being as special and wonderful as she is.
Friends are easy to come by but the true loving ones are hard to come by and when you find someone who you find to be an amazing, caring , a loving one, I think you are very lucky.
She has given me more hope, love and friendship than even my family and I class her as one of mine, she stands on higher ground than most of them.
I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her listening ear and her heart.
Her words have pulled me through the darkest days and I owe her my life in many ways.
What makes her even more special is she stood by our friendship when she could have shut me out when others did.
So I want to thank you for not giving up on me, for putting up with my tears and my broken heart and for being more than a friend and family.
You are one amazing person and I luv you loads.
I hope that our friendship never loses what it has and grows through out the years.
Thank you, thank you so much for being you and being there.
Ice Maiden Diaries 