No matter how strong the glue.

img_3841So I’ve been kind of negating my blog for a while now and it just dawned on me why.
I guess after all this time, I know I should be over Ross, but I’m not. My love for him is still as strong as it every was but with the added feelings of hurt, dislike and anger. Yes that hurts me to admit it but he tore my heart out at a time I needed him to be there, to wrap his arms around me, hold me, cry with me and to love with through the darkest days of my life.
But somehow I still love him, not that I chose to, but it’s still as strong as ever, I so wish it wasn’t.
I guess I’ve been unknowingly pulling away from this blog in hopes it may help me recover, to get over him, which in all honesty I don’t think I ever will. A love, a connection, a friendship this strong can never be got over.
We started this blog together and I had to pull back from it in hopes of healing. Well it isn’t working, it’s making everything worse.
My head is over run by feelings and no matter how hard I try to push them deep down inside, they won’t disappear, they won’t stop hurting and I don’t know how to cope.
I worry about everything, everyone and my head is so full of stress, my brain will not switch off, I can feel the cracks awaken and I know that if I do not write these feelings out that I will crack and I have come to far to do so.
Where I go from here I don’t know, put on the fake smile, the idle chitchat and the laugh that I’m sure as sure can be, that doesn’t come from the belly.
Love, true unconditional love is the most wonderful thing in life but it is also the most painful, soul-destroying Thing that can ever happen to you.
I am truly broken and no matter how strong the glue I use to try to fix the shattered heart of mine, it just keeps breaking, one sliver at a time.

Broken soul

No words can even start to make anyone one understand the pain of yesterday.
No kind actions by others can help to ease it.
No amount of tears can wash away the devastation, the longing, the heartbreak.
No amount of time can heal.
There is nothing in this universe that can even start to explain to you how I felt yesterday.
No just yesterday but every day, but yesterday it all seemed that little worse but the heartbreak never goes away. It eats away a me, day in day out and there is no way to stop it.
My family and friends tried so hard to make it a beautiful day, even the sun shone on us, but as always there is this gaping hole in my heart.
Part of me is missing and no amount of tomorrow’s can heal it.
No amount of hugs can warm my broken soul.

Time does not heal

imageHow can I not blame and hate my self for everything that’s happened.
I know I didn’t know that I was poorly and that my body was/is destroying all the healthy cells in turn slowly shutting down.
But how do I learn to cope with the fact that I was so blinded by love that I didn’t notice I was poorly.
I don’t know how to live with the guilt I feel everyday.
Everyday at that hospital I’m reminded of the pain, the heartbreak, the devastation.
No amount of tears can ever wash away the pain and heartache I feel.
Time does not heal but only makes the pain more overwhelming more devastating.
All I know is that life goes on, days rolling into nights, and somehow I have to get by even with the gaping hole that is left in my heart.