I will cherish that

imageLooking down at Marly sleeping in her cot and realizing she needed me more than ever, I wanted to be a loving perfect Mum and love her more than anything or anyone, which of course came the second I saw her, hitting me like a ton of bricks, a love so different from any other, a love that consumes every inch of your being, but life was determined to keep ruining our time together.
Hours and hours, weeks and years of hospitals check ups, tests and more tests, scared sleepless nights, more hospital appointments (for both of us)
It wasn’t going to beat us anymore though. I had, had enough of the heartache it had brought us for far too long, and didn’t want to let Marly-Kate down as I knew she had been sent to put me back on track.
So somehow, I have no idea how, we got through the last few years of devastation, loss, hurt, and pain.
Today after a long hard battle and still at times trying to make sense of certain aspects of my life, fighting daily at times, I push forward with grit and determination knowing I will not be beaten by this.
There have been people who have been of great support along the way, one that has passed and who I will never forget and that was my good old friend Porter, of course Ross was my brick in the early days. (I still think about all the selfless support you gave me and miss and love you every day).
So as today starts for me, I want to say thank you to all of you who stood besides me, gave me an ear, sat by mine and Marly-Kate’s hospital bed and held my hand, looked after Marly when I have treatment.
I know I’m not the easiest to give love, care and support to, as I’m very good at building walls and shutting the world out but when I do let someone in to my heart, be it in love or friendship, I give a bond that I never want to lose. I give each friend a little piece of my heart, and that there is a big even huge thing for me.
I don’t let many people in so when I do, it means something.

In your own little ways over the years you saved my life and I will cherish that until I take my last breath.
Thank you. 💗
Happy New Year.

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The edge

imageThe mind plays games with you and those thoughts are just too much to deal with, to get your head around.
Suddenly the walls crack just a little and the emotions you have locked deep inside them bleed through the cracks.
Those months, years of trying so hard to stay strong, to stay positive and just to stay on top of every broken emotion.
The heart shatters all over again, you feel every pain, every heartache, ever loss all over again and all you want is to close your eyes, get lost in the darkness, let it take over you, suffocate you and take you away near to return.
Death is better than facing the loss, the heartache, the coldness, the silence. The knowing that life just can’t live up to what it once was.

I have no idea how to come through this, how to carry on anymore.
Loss, love, life and health have beaten me to an inch of my life and I’m clinging to the edge with all my might knowing that the one person that may just be able to save me, is the one wishing I would fall.

Maybe just maybe

imageAfter a rather nasty tip to the hospital this morning, I am really beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason.
And although that sucks right now and I don’t understand or even begin to understand why life is playing me this card, I think that maybe everything that has happened has been a part to play in this and my future/my life.
And even though I am a million miles away from where my heart and soul wants me to be, I kinda believe that it’s a road I have to travel with all the heartache and sorrow.
I wouldn’t want to have to watch anyone that cares or once cared for me, see, feel or live this road with me.
It is so hard to see the pain in the eyes of my family and friends when I get bad blood results, when I’m having a bad day or I’m to sick to manage a normal life.
Maybe that’s why my blissfully happy life turned so sorrowful.
And even though I wish I could have his shoulder to lean on, his hand to hold and just get lost in his eyes, I wouldn’t want to watch him live through this with me, so yes maybe just maybe, this all happened for a reason.

Counting wounds

imagePresent, past and future…
Time, something that we can’t control…
Something that leaves us here vulnerable…
We play it’s game and we stay back to count wounds..!

Hard times are often blessings in disguise. Let go and let life strengthen you. No matter how much it hurts, hold your head up and keep going.
Sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your spirit needs most.

You can’t have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail.
You can’t know what it’s like to feel whole until you have felt it (not always a good thing).
And you can’t be rebirthed until you’ve passed on from who you used to be. (think I’m in trouble here as my heart won’t let go, no matter how hard I try)