Snippets

imageWhen the days are harder than I let on to everyone, I have to pull strength from happy times, wonderful times, the most incredible time of my life so far.

When I can’t find the light I look back through my journals I have written to Ross.
I find my strength and peace in those times, those memories, those feelings.

Snippets of love, joy, contentment and hope.
These words written with love, give me something to grasp hold of.

So if you are having a bad day, and need some strength, maybe they will help you out of the darkness.
(I will add more as I come across them)

“It’s like a door opened, the world shifted and there is no way of going back to how things were before it opened.”

“That smile always just makes all my worries fade away.”

“Drowning in your sea of blue. Your soul pulls me in, happily drowning in love”

“That feeling, that spark, has to be worth it, right ?”

“I will never forget how your lush curly hair bounces off your forehead when you’ve eaten too much sugar and can’t hold still, just one little thing I love about you x”

“Every last caress and feeling you so innocently laid upon my skin carved it’s way into my soul as the earth makes a groove in a stone.”

Ross = Ross
Owns
Sexy
Status ❤️

“No matter what, I don’t want us to stop being us ❤️”

I heard today, that you will only be content in life if you marry your best friend.
How flipping lucky am I because I’m head over heals in love with YOU and Ross your my one and only best friend.

They say you have to judge a man by the way they handle the Christmas lights.
That’s how I know you are perfect because you would handle them with care and respect, if you know what I mean.
Your carefully pack them away each year, making sure they are perfect for the next year. No tangled lights to puzzle out. Each bulb checked and working. They will be just perfect because every detail you put into everything, always is. Just like you are.

After all the mistakes I’ve made, I finally got it right.

Fate worked its magic and let the rat race slow down enough to fit all the pieces together, US ❤️

The perfect moment isn’t just one, it’s every second of being with the one you love.
It’s being in love.
I’m head over heels in LOVE with YOU.

When you hold me, I know that nothing can ever be bad again because I’ve got you.

When I’m worried about something or just don’t know what to do, I listen to my heart, I listen to
you.
Ross Marks you are my heart ❤️

Every time you tell me you love me, I get my happy ever after.

We should never let a situation slip through our fingers when love can put it right.

You give me the courage to feel.
You give me the courage to love
You give me the courage to live.
You give me the courage to hope.
You give me the world.
You give me you.
I give you the courage to feel.
I give you the courage to love.
I give you the courage to live.
I give you the courage to hope.
I give you the world.
I give you me.

There is only one guarantee in life.
That I will always love you.

It’s all our little moments that gets me through being away from you.

When we are laying together snuggled as closely and snug as if nature had formed us together it’s like we are in our prefect happy ever after.
That’s what we are a fairytale come true.

Our memories are wonderful moments that become a form of energy that make us know it’s forever love.

When we first kissed I breathed in life for the first time.

The way I see it, there ain’t no bigger and more powerful force in the whole universe than LOVE itself.

Love makes the world go round. It’s the glue that hold everything together.

The moment I first felt the true me, 100% complete.
The days I first saw you walking towards me.

It starting to feel like I can not breathe without you in my arms.

We are not perfect
You know I’m not the brightest button in the box
And your a night owl (that’s not a fault at all)
But we love each other and that’s all that matters.
Two souls that fall into each other’s life’s, contacting on level, that no one could ever understand.
Who fall not just deeply in love but became best friends to.
To me that makes us perfect together.

Your always there, you never judge me, pity me, never get angry, always listen you make me smile, and ALWAYS give me butterflies. Thank you baby, thank you, thank you. I love you xxxxooooxxxx

When you hold me, your heartbeat is the most beautiful, amazing soundtrack to love.
If we could stay in each others arms forever, there would be no need for music.

I believe in fairytales, I do, I do.
You’re my happy ever after ❤️

This Love stuff is complicated but if it was simple it wouldn’t show us that it’s worth fighting for.

That first journey back after the first time I was with you was the hardest and saddest time of my life, leaving you was incredibly painful but also the happiest.
Wow I had met my soul mate and you were more, so much more than I could could have ever imagined.
Wow just wow. ❤️

Everything seems easy when I look at you and see my universe smiling back at me. 🌍

I meet the most amazing guy in the world.
My heart skips a beat at the sight of him
The first kiss hello though it was short and sweet took my breath away. I know that instant that this was more than anything I had ever felt before.
The next few hours were incredible
Learning each other, touching, loving, loosing myself in you.
My life was suddenly complete. The most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced.
My life suddenly had new meaning, I felt whole for the first time in 29 years.
The over powering feeling of live surrounded me and lifted me to a new level.
Knowing I was being loved back by the most amazing person I have ever met.
The look in your eyes, the smell of your skin, the feel of your hair between my finger, all a dream come true.
As you held my hands as we showed each other how deep our love runs.
That moment was the most perfect moment of my life.
Heart racing, more in love then I have ever felt before
You my darlin are the bees knees and I love love love you.
No one will ever compare to you.
I truly believe we are a match made in heaven, that our souls belong together.

I love you
Even if there isn’t any sun,
Any moon, any moon, any air
Or any life.

When we first got in contact with each other I never knew it would end like this
Me being so in love I feel like I don’t exist anymore
All I care about is you
I never knew I would find the best friend I could ask for
That my life meaning would change the way it has.
The laughs, the caring, the loving, the naughtiness,
It’s all been a dream
And through your love I have grown and opened up to the most amazing person I’ve ever met.
You have helped me more than you know to get through the hardest scariest times in my love and I will always be grateful for that.
My world, my attitude, my views have changed for the better thanks to you
Now I am deeply in love and love that I am.
I have given you my heart and soul.
I will forever love you.
Thank you for being you ❤️

I know we have our little disagreements, or simply argue for no reason but I wouldn’t change US for the world.
Because I knew the moment that I spoke to you, that we are as perfect as chocolate chips and ice cream.🍦
I felt the nervous butterflies dancing in my tummy as I found the words that meant the most, the tiny words, I Love You. ❤️

When I first saw you, even the air and ocean fall in love, because my love for you has no limits ❤️

For the first time ever I can feel the blood pumping through my veins.
I’ve learnt that touch is more intense than I could ever imagine.
I know how that your heart still can miss a thousand beats and it really is incredible.
You have shown me what being alive really means.
You are the fire in my soul.
You are the reason for me living.

Funny how life twists and turns.
Living through the highs and lows can be exhausting at times, but I have now learnt that the highs are so worth the lows and when excitement and joy take over your day, everything is beautiful, full of colour and wonder and that light at the end of the tunnel is in my hands glowing brightly.
I don’t know what to call this feeling but I know why and who has given my this incredible happiness.
Why I see life as a gift instead of a battle.
It all started with a new friendship that grow into something so special no other can compare. That friendship then fall into love, a over powering love that takes over my world and gives me the energy to flight any darkness that try’s to destroy my light everyday.
With this love, I have learnt to see the goodness and the light that surrounds me.
Life now is worth living, it’s a blessing and an adventure that I wish to share with my soul mate, the guy who changed my life for the better – YOU ❤️
Who gave me strength and hope. You gave me life and I’m finally living.

Tonight was so hard, so so so so so freaking hard. I’m so heartbroken and I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I had to stand there while you got on the train to go home while I got on a different train and we watched each other leave, I was crying so hard as I do every time we say our goodbyes at the station.
In the journey back I couldn’t think straight, it feels like I’ve lost part of my mind, like part of me is missing, and I’ve been searching for something to remind me that it wasn’t all a dream. I have no idea what to do from here. I need my Ross back by my side.
I’m hurting so deeply, its not just missing being able to see you and touch you and talk to you, I miss being able to turn to you and just knowing you are at most a few meters away from me. This is so hard. I had no idea how hard this was going to be every time we have to say goodbye.
My heart is so twisted right now, I feel like all my insides have been tied up in knots and my bones have been replaced with paper, I feel so weak without you.
I’ve never needed someone so much in all my life, but now I’ve felt what its like to be loved and be part of something other than myself I feel so helpless.
I’ve never been loved so unconditionally like you love me, you are the most amazing person on this earth, ever to have lived, you are my world, you are my life and you are everything to me, without you I’m not even just a mess, I’m a purposeless mess.
This is so freaking hard. I need you, I love you, I miss you.
I love love love you.

Sometimes it feels so surreal that you are actually right here. Like, right next to me. You are on the bed and I can look up right now and see you. I can walk three feet to you. You are so close and so real. I just like to stare at you sometimes like when you’re walking, talking, laughing, sleeping, every moment of everyday and just appreciate your non-digital format. It’s like every dream has come true and life is perfect, totally utterly perfect ❤️

It’s amazing how someone can be hundreds of miles away from you, and the mere thought of them still puts a smile on your face! True Love sets no boundaries.

You are my hero. You have given me a new lease on life – this time last year I would never have had had the courage to do half the things I can do now. You are more than I could have ever dreamed of. With you, it feels as though anything is possible.

I miss your warm hugs, your sweet smile, I miss the feeling I get when you hold my hand, I miss the way you look into my eyes and tell me without a word, that you love me, I miss waking up and you being the first person I see and watching you sleep…I guess what I’m trying to say is…I miss you 😢 but only one more day baby and our hearts can melt again 💙

Two people meant to be together, Two lovers dreaming of forever, And it just keeps on getting better, With every tender little pm.

In your arms I see strength, in your smile I see love, in your eyes I see tomorrow, and all our tomorrows for the rest of our lives. You are my one & only.

The voice of a god, I’m walking in heaven.😇

If I ever told you that you were a “one in a million”, I lied…you are a “once in a lifetime” 😍

I never asked for someone who could offer me the stars in the night. Just someone to lay down and watch them with is enough. But I have been given the earth, the moon the whole sky. You are my world and I love you 💗

Ross Marks – A person with whom I have an immediate connection the moment we meet – a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced. I LOVE YOU baby.

Life is for living, I live mine for you. Love is for giving, I give mine to you. Hearts are for beating, mine beats for you. Dreams are full of meaning, mine are of you. You are my eyes, I see to see you, you are my ears, I hear to hear you. You are my touch, I touch to touch you.
I love you Ross ❤️

If you look deep in side you will find, the truth. The only Truth, I LOVE YOU. I need you, I want you and no matter what, I will always LOVE YOU. I dont care where we live, where we shop, if its near the sea or wood. I dont care as long as we are together. I LOVE YOU, look deep deep inside and you will see it.💗

Nothing in this world can take the place of you. I have loved you from the beginning and I will love you till the end!😍

I will love you with every dawn and I will love you with every dusk. I love you because, my heart feels safe within your hands, within you arms, within your voice, within your smile. I love you and I will love only you

Sometimes, I can almost feel You with me. I wake to find myself sleepily saying good morning to you on my empty pillow. When I’m walking, I leave an Ross-sized space next to me on the pavement, and sometimes I swear I can feel your hand in mine.

If its amazing it won’t be easy, If its easy it won’t be amazing… We sure are amazing together ❤️

The sun rose and set today – like every other day but no one knows my world has stopped. It will move only when we are together again.
Good night Ross, you’re in my heart, soul and thoughts always. Sleep peacefully. Feel my kisses in the breeze and my whispers of my love for you. Sweet dreams. I love you xxxxxooooooxxxxx

Don’t use your duvet, please just think about my love and it will warm you. Don’t use a pillow, please just think about my hands holding your head. Good night baby, I love you xxxxxoooooxxxxx

What is love? In math, a problem. In history, a battle. In science, it’s a reaction. In art, it’s a heart. But to me? Love always will and simply be, you.❤️

I miss our play fights, our teasing, our hugs, our hour long conversations, you know I guess I just miss you, I miss us

Don’t count the miles, count the I Love Yous ❤️

I love you baby, thank you for giving me a reason to smile, to get up in the morning, to breath. You are my everything baby. If only I could express my feelings for you, show you that your all I want and how much I love you.
You really are my reason to live and I love you with everything I am. I want to grow old with you and wake up with you every morning.

Promise you’ll hold me, touch me, love me…way past forever.💗

When I first ever told you “I love you” I meant it with all my heart.
When I tell you “I will love you forever” I mean it with every beat of my heart and still love you more everyday.
There’s no one else for me.
Nothing or anyone else could ever make me change my mind about you. I love you and I always will. Forever and always.
“Good night and sweet dreams Ross I love you” xxxxoooooxxx

LOVE is knowing you are going to spend everyday of every month of every year with the same person, and thinking…this is EXACTLY how it should be.

Being in love with the man that treats you like a priceless, knows when something is wrong, and loves you for who you are.
Totally the best feeling in the world, Thank you baby xxx I love you to the moon and back. ❤️

You wrote this to me today and WOW just WOW you summed up how I feel for you perfectly.
“when being without your partner hurts, when minutes apart feels like hours, when you are together time goes far to quick, when you would rather have them screaming in your face than not hearing from them at all. when they tell you they love you and you know they mean it, when it makes your body warm and you feel safe. you will know when you are in love.” ❤️❤️❤️

Your the man that I laugh with, to the man I share my joys and fears with, to the man that makes me weak at the knees, to the man of my dreams and the LOVE of my life. My Gorgeous other half.
I LOVE you ROSS MARKS. ❤️

Do you know what’s really heart warmingly special and makes me weak at the knees … You look at me, really look at me, deep within my soul. I like that, I love you.

Your eyes are engraved in my heart. Your name is etched on my heart forever. Your love you give is deeply embedded in my soul forever.
I breathe for you. I live for you. You are my only smile in this world where I don’t feel so lonely and lost. You are the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I love you with all my heart and soul.
I wish I was there to hold you tight, instead of just sending you this loving “Good Night.” Sweet dreams and remember if you may that I love love love you xxxxxxoooooxxxxxxx

To lay next to you while you sleep, is one of the most wonderful experience I’ve ever experienced.
Laying next to you, my heart skips a trillion beats, as you reach for my hand.
With each breath you draw, and the rise and fall of your chest, we breathe in the same air, pulling us that little bit closer together. I’m lost in dream, a dream that came true.
I lay with my hand intwined with my other half of my soul and I feel whole.
Your a dream that came true, the most delightful magical dream and I love, love, love you.

I Love You – these three words have my life in them. ❤️

I never asked for someone who could offer me the stars in the night. Just someone to lay down and watch them with is enough. But I have been given the earth, the moon the whole sky. You are my world and I love you.✨

They say that, life is for living, I live mine for you.
They say that, Love is for giving, I give mine only to you.
They say that, hearts are for beating, mine beats only for you.
They say that, dreams are full of meaning, mine are only of you. ❤

We were given 2 hands to hold, 2 legs to walk, 2 eyes to see, 2 ears to listen, but why only 1 heart?
Because the other was given to someone else for us to find. We are the lucky ones, we found each other’s and now we are complete. ❤️

 

I can’t wait to the time that we have both told each other everything, every memory, every special memories and even the not so special memories in life so far. And all we have left to to sit in our arm chairs by the fire as we reminisce all our own special memories, our own extra special moments and as we do so we will be making even more wonderful, heartfelt memories, those moments that we cherish together forever.

I meet the most amazing guy in the world, yes that’s you.
My heart skips a beat at the sight of you
The first kiss hello though it was short and sweet took my breath away. I know that instant that this was more than anything I had ever felt before.
The next few hours were incredible
Learning each other, touching, loving, loosing myself in you.
My life was suddenly complete. The most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced.
My life suddenly had new meaning, I felt whole for the first time in my 29 years.
The over powering feeling of love surrounded me and lifted me to a new level.
Knowing I was being loved back by the most amazing person I have ever met.
The look in your eyes, the smell of your skin, the feel of your hair between my fingers, all a dream come true.
As you held my hands as you loved me how I have never been loved before.
That moment was the most perfect moment of my life.
Heart racing, more in love then I have ever felt before, true unbreakable love.
You my darlin are the bees knees and I love, love, love you.
No one will ever compare to you.
I truly believe we are a match made in heaven, that our souls belong together, that we are the other half of each other’s soul.❤️

When we first got in contact with each other I never knew it would end like this, Me being so in love, I feel like I don’t exist anymore
All I care about is you.
I never knew I would find the best friend I could ask for.
That my life’s meaning would change the way it has.
Over the last year we have gone through so much but the good always out weighs the harder times.
The laughs, the caring, the loving, the naughtiness 😜
It’s all been a dream, a beautiful outstanding, wonderful dream.
And through your love I have grown and somehow you have managed to get me to open my heart, my hopes and my dreams, to the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You’ve let me see the love is real, it’s powerful and a truly beautiful feeling.
You have helped me more than you know and got me through some of the hardest, scariest times of my life and I will always be grateful for that.
My world, my attitude, my views have changed for the better, thanks to you
Now I am deeply in love and love that I am, I love that you love me just as much back.
I have given you my heart and soul.
I will forever love you.
Thank you for being you.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU. 😘

Wow, we are going to spend our life’s together ❤️❤️❤️

I found this today and just instantly knew that it is so very perfect for the day that we will be saying I do to each other, the day that I become your wife and you become my husband, the day that in the eyes of the law, we become one but more importantly we declare to the world how much we love, adore and treasure each other, the day that we start our adventure as husband and wife, a step closer to growing old together. The day we get to serve pizza to all our family and friends 😋.
❤️“They’re about to say I do. Three little letters, two little words. It’s the simplest part of the day, but there’s nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid. I do means I do know I could be hurt, but I’m ready to be healed with you. It means I do want to try even when the fear of failure holds me back, and I do not know the future, but I’m ready to be surprised along the way. And I do means I do want your love and I do give you mine and nothing we do will ever be the same because you and I will be doing it all together.” ❤️

⭐️”I’m wishing upon stars for you, I think 99% are aeroplane but it only takes that one, I’m not stopping.”⭐️
When you write little things like this to me it melts my heart and I fall even more in love with you.❤️

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If only a glimpse

img_3621Have you ever walked somewhere and not remembered the journey?
Have you had so much going on in your mind you can’t think straight?
Have you stressed so much you’ve given your self a head ache that lasts days?

Are you so busy in your thoughts good or bad, you miss whats in front of you?
Has your mind been so busy you actually thought you may lose your self there?
This seems to be the story of my life these days.
Blinded by heartbreak, fear of never seeing that breathtaking light that everyone one tells me will come.
If only they could take a glimpse at those broken places just for a minute, they may just reach out and hold my hand and show me I’m not alone.

Flashback Friday

Streaking lights in subway tunnel

Streaking lights in subway tunnel

It’s Friday 😃 The weekend is upon us, have a good one.
Today I am flashing back to a very deep, troubling time in my life, a time that sadly hasn’t ended and even though I have come so far, my heart is still in a trillion pieces, it has healed, it hasn’t even begun to heal. But that being said I’m still fighting on hour by hour and day by day.
But you know what I still smile, I get up and do the best I can, I’m living but still there is part of me that gone, disappeared, crashed, broken, but still here I am soldering on, making the best of what I can.
So without further ado I give you this weeks flashback.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/07/01/do-you-feel-the-desire-to-harm-yourself-right-now/

A person who tries to kill herself/himself doesn’t do so out of ‘hopelessness’ or not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person who’s in invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning building. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great but it’s the other terror, the fire’s flames, when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. And yet nobody down on the pavement looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump.
You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
The same goes for a person who tries to commit suicide.
The fear of life ahead of you for no matter what reason you are dreading it, it’s not that fear that makes you want to end your own life, it’s the pain that won’t leave you, it’s there in everything you try to do. It’s the pain that over rides every other emotion.
Your under attack from your own feelings, your own mind and heart.
And unless you have been there, done it, tried it there is no way on this earth you can begin to understand the reasons behind it.
God I wish you could.
The endless questions you get thrown at you, the main one being Do you feel the desire to harm yourself right now ? but even giving the answers, do they really understand, how can you, you can’t see into my mind, feel what I’m feeling, or put yourself in my shoes. There is no way, you can understand this because I don’t understand myself.
“Did I really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
That’s the only answer I have right now.
And yes I still want the pain to go away and think to myself ” why did I wake up ? Why am I still here? Why do I have to live a life time of misery and heartache?”
There are so many questions, so many what ifs.
But if there is one thing that I’ve learnt from waking up, it’s that.
Maybe it just wasn’t my time to go, that I have unfinished business and I have to prove what needs to be proven.
Maybe that’s the reason I’m not in a better place, that I’m free from heartache.
So this is my promise to you.
I will fight those burning flames that are pushing me closer to that window, I will not give up until I have proven I’m worthy.
Because I believe what the answers will give is worth getting burnt for, it’s worth the heartache, the pain, love is worth everything and I will give my all to prove that. To once again feel something other than misery.

Pushing down

That moment when you are sat watching something on tv, your content and in a chilled good mood and out of no where you just burst into tears and you just can’t stop crying.

I guess it shows that no matter how much you pushing down the pain, the hurt and the loss, it hasn’t gone away and without warning it bursts and over flows, for no reason, nothing triggers it, it just explodes.

Pleased as punch

imageFeeling pleased as punch today and a little excited.

A few of my friends and I were sat round chatting at the weekend and one of them brings up my broken heart and his point of view on the way I have been shutting the world out since that day my world stopped spinning.
I heard a few things I didn’t really want to hear but it made me open up a little and say a few home truths about myself and the worst day of my life and I tried so hard to explain why I will never let myself love again. One being that I am still and always will be totally a million, trillion percent in love with Ross.
Any how’s, Rich turned to me, looking rather sad as his eyes filled with tears’ ( I think for the first time, he understood me and the pain I have felt since that day) and he said “But you have so much love to give, I would give the world to be loved by anyone, the way you love him.”
Every one that was sat with us, agreed in one way or another that Rich was right and they would give anything to feel love like I have for Ross.

Well over the last few days, I have been thinking about how cold I have become, how I reject any amount of compassion, family love, friendship, I just won’t let anyone get close to me.
I just can’t, I can’t stand the thought of letting anyone get close.
My walls have gotten so high that I’m at a stage where I don’t want to feel even friendship.

I know that has to change, and that I have to somehow carry on living.
So today I bit the bullet and put myself forward for a volunteer job working with children who through no fault of their own, don’t have a loving, caring, compassionate home life.
The job will be working with foster children, either helping them come to terms with their new placements or sat in on meetings with their parents in hopes to send them back to a happier more loving home.

Within five minutes of them receiving my email, I get an answer and I have the go ahead.
I’m over the moon, seriously chuffed to bits.
And I guess I will be giving a piece of my love to every single person, be it a child or a parent.

So a huge thank you to my friends who made me see that even though I am broken, I still have room in my heart to help and care for others.
I know nothing will ever compare to giving the man you love your heart, your soul and every inch of your being but this feels good and maybe just maybe I can help to make a difference in this heartless world.
Here’s hoping anyway. 😃

It’s a Yin and Yang thing

imageTrying hard to put this into practice, some days are just so damn hard.

It is not easy but do not stop hoping or wishing for the best.
This is life lessons..The world can be a difficult place. You may experience suffering, heartbreak and loss. These circumstances can take a toll on your happiness, but do not lose hope.
Think about Yin and Yang in Chinese philosophy, which states that opposite forces are often interconnected.
In suffering, you can find great strength, in heartbreak you can find resilience, and in loss you can find a renewed appreciation for life.

Life is always Yin and Yang.

Opposites are interdependent and interconnected. You can’t completely shield yourself from sadness without also shielding yourself from happiness. (I know this too well)

The question WHY ???

imageI have been asked by a good few people “Why are you not blogging as much as you use to?” And “Why are your blogs not as personal as they use to be?”

Hmmmm I am not sure how to answer those questions.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want my family and friends to know how bad I feel most days, that I’m trying to protect them.

Maybe it’s that I don’t feel the need to get my feelings down on paper as much as I did.

Maybe it is that I don’t want people know how messed up I still am, not messed up but heartbroken.

Maybe I just don’t want to admit my own feelings to myself, let alone the world of the Internet.

Maybe it’s that I just don’t know what to write, that I’m not inspired at the moment, just a case of writers block.

Maybe it’s a case of never having enough time to even think, let alone write it down.

Maybe it’s because I’m sick of hurting so much walls have been built up again and this time I won’t let anyone but the only one knock it down again.

Part of you

imageA little note to myself which is so much needed today.

Don’t be ashamed to shed a tear.
To me tears clean the soul so you can once again see the beauty around you.

Being vulnerable only shows that you’re able to face the truth.. even the hard truth.. with dignity and with heart.

Open yourself up. Allow yourself to feel no matter how hard or torturing it may be.

Take down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and experience every emotion, both good and bad.
This is real life, you can’t hide from it, you can’t hide from the devastation, the hurt, the pain, the sorrow,the lose, the emptiness.

For what are we if we don’t feel?

We become cold-hearted, lost souls with no heart.
It really is ok to break down once in a while, you won’t be weak because of it.
And even though no amount of tears, pain and heartbreak can fix you or change anything, it’s better than closing down and denying what you feel. (I’ve been doing this a lot lately, not even admitting my true feelings to myself because the emotional pain is to great, to intense, to good damn painful.)

Your emotions are part of you, they are you.

Alone

imageI know I have brought it on my self but at times I feel totally alone.
Even with that feeling I still don’t want to put myself out there and see people, talk to anyone or even chat random crap on the phone.
I know over the last year or so I have pushed everyone away, even my nearest and dearest.
I’m a closed book that won’t open up to anyone, not even my family and friends. The walls are higher than ever and if anyone wants to know how I’m feeling or thinking than their first port of call is this blog.

So when did I turn from party animal, the girl who couldn’t be alone or away from friends for more than a few hours?
What changed in me?

I think it’s a case of being scared to open up and get close to anyone.
Maybe I’ve gone so far away from letting people in, it’s to late for me.

The truth of the matter is, I have family and friends who want to be there, they want to hold my hand when I’m sick, hug me when I cry and laugh with me when I laugh.

So why do I keep pushing them away?
Why do I feel I have to face my battles alone?

Have I been hurt so badly that I just can’t face being hurt in any way at all?
I am scared of the judgement from others?

I’ve been wrongly judged by so many over the last two years, I just don’t seem to have the strength to fight that any more.
Along with the life lesson of learning who really cares and who could turn their backs so easily.
I guess it has damaged me more than I knew it ever would.

I know I’m not a bad person, my heart though broken is a kind one and I always am there for who ever wants to unload their problems on my shoulders.
I listen, I truly listen and I’m there when they need me, ALWAYS.
But something in me just won’t let me get close to anyone no matter who they are.

I also believe that if I shut myself off from the world that when my ticking time bomb finally decides not to tick anymore, I want to spare them the pain that I have had for the last few years.
Heartbreak and loss has made my warm heart grow cold and the once melted Ice Maiden has frozen to new levels, leaving me more alone than I have been, even when I’m with people I still feel lost and alone.

But what my heart seems to want to tell me is that I feel alone because I am no longer complete.
My other half, my better half has vanished out of my life leaving me just a shell of the person I was when he was with me.

Betrayal.

imageBetrayal is the worst possible thing someone can do to you.
It is the worst possible feeling in the world.
It can crash the uncrushable, it can hurt deeper than any other thing possible in life.

This weekend I discovered through a friend, that I had been betrayed by the person I care for the most in my life.
The person I love more than the air I breathe, more than life itself.
What makes it worse is I have been blamed over the last year or so, that I had betrayed him. (how wrong were the people who believed him and judged me the worse possible way with out getting the facts and proof.)
When I know I never did such a thing, I have everything I need to prove this, if I had only been given time to prove it.
But I guess he will never see/know the truth and he has to live with that for the rest of his life.
At least I have the freedom of knowing the truth and it won’t haunt me the way it will him, if he even cares enough to let it bother him.
From what I was shown this weekend, it has never kept him awake at night, and maybe just maybe he hasn’t shed a tear.

The betrayal I was shown this weekend confirms to me that he really never cared.
That to me is the biggest betrayal known to men.
He lied to me for nearly four years.
He looked me in the eye every day and lied point-blank to my face.
What makes it worse is I believed him, I let him into my heart, I let him breakdown my walls, I told him my deepest darkest secrets and I let him make me believe that our future was solid, that we would be together for ever.
I truly believed him.
The funny thing is, that I’m not angry at him, I think it’s sad that he would string me along for all that time while not given a thought to how he made me feel and what he was doing.
I’m hurt really hurt by what I was shown, to be truthful I’m devastated to say the least.
The news broke the remaining part of my heart. It truly now is beyond repair.
But I am most angry with myself for letting him in to my heart, for falling helplessly in love with him, for giving him the power to destroy me.
I hate myself for that, I will NEVER let anyone do that to me again EVER.
But you know what sucks big time, I still love him and I always will.