Hold on

I’m not sure if I have shared this before, I think I must have, I feel the need to share it again, with two suicides in the last month, friends that are struggling and the winter months ahead that seems to bring with darker moods, I really do feel like I should share a little of my journey. Hopefully it may at least help someone, anyone who feels lost, alone and scared of the emotional torment they are facing.

🌹🌹🌹

There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by postnatal depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.

Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.

Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.

Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my absolutely gorgeous, kind, caring, loving other half, my family and friends, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.

Nothing is that bad you can’t carry on. You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you friends, family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?

Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.
True friends will always be there for you no matter what and as I learnt through the bad times you soon find out who cares and who doesn’t. And even though this adds to the depression, it is a good thing, you will see people walk away but you have learnt a true lesson about friends and what you have left is the valve of friendship, you have no more snakes in the grass.

My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put my in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.

When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.

The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.

Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.

My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on here that seems depressed please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention. That person could really need your help. Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.

Missing piece of the puzzle

Some times in life we all need a little help, be it with life skills, cooking, learning or love. The main thing is that we shouldn’t be scared to ask for it.
That’s what I’m doing right now.

If you have been keeping up with this blog, you’ll know that I’ve been asked to research someone’s family history, well that’s where I need a little help.
It’s not that I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing, I do, I ran my own research business back in the day and have researched a fair amount of trees.
It’s like s drug, when you start you can not walk away without being dragged.
It’s an addiction for sure.
Anyway, I’m doing pretty well, I’ve got back to the 1500’s on one line and smashed the others, it’s looking good if I do say so myself. (we all deserve a little self praise every now and then)
One line is proving to be a headache and if you know anything about family research the one word will explain why.
Ireland 🇮🇪

So we have this Irish family who packed up their life’s, their homes and everything they’ve known. They left the potato famine behind them.
One travelled much further than the rest and headed of to the states.
Can you imagine the fear, the excitement, he must have been feeling, what an adventure he was on.
Why he decided to travel so far, we will never know. Why he returned back to the UK, I have a better understanding of, bless his heart, he had definitely lived through it.

At present I can not find a ship log or an documents confirming his move to the states, Canada was his port of call. While he was there, I know he married and had two boys, who I know joined the forces and fort in the Second World War which took both their lives. They died alone, in a foreign country which was a stranger to them. Their body’s were laid to rest in foreign soul. (That’s kind of heartbreaking)
Their mother died and their father returned to England and he went on to marry and live a full happy life.

So this is where I need a little help.
With all the documents I can access, I can’t look into the American/Canadian records.😩
Well I can but I would need a lotto win to be able to.
So can you gorgeous Americans get to records easily without costing the earth?
Would any of my American friends, like to give me an hour of their precious time and have a look to see if they can find anything, which may open up a new lead???
I know it’s a lot to ask, but trust me I wouldn’t be asking if I really didn’t need the help.
My mind races with the unknown and it’s driving me mad, I need to know what happened to this Irish gent who had his life torn apart, who lost the love of his life and his family.
He went through so much and his life story is lost.
I have this overpowering need to find it.
If you are interested at all in helping me patch this beautiful heartbreaking story together, please get in touch, I’ll be eternally grateful to you.

Update – while watching Rich in the Great North run yesterday I finally managed to find his ship log back to the UK. My excitement was a tad full on, lol 😂 but boy wasn’t I more than a little chuffed.
Can wait to find time to see what doors that opens.

Flashback Friday

imageGood morning and happy Friday.
Do you have that Friday feeling?
Well what a stressful week I’ve had.
Mainly down to others bad moods, that seem to be spiralling out of control.
They say a smile can spread easily so can a frown. It’s surprising how fast moods rub off onto others.
I say to you grumpy sods who have stressed me out this week, “Slap on a smile, even if you have to fake it”
Remember if the wind changes your face will stay like that. 😝
So what’s been going on in my little world this week.
Firstly its tax bill time, how I hate handing over my hard-earned money to the tax man but it has to be done, £3500 lighter and I’ll have to do it all again in January, the joys of being self-employed.🤑
Secondly, its school holidays which has to be my favourite time of the year. So this week has been full of fun, games and creating. Throw in snuggles on the sofa watching Disney films, picnics at the park and short but sweet bike rides.
Add the normal everyday tasks and a few hours work here and there and daily trips to have my blood tests and venesection if needed.
All in all, life is good, when you step past the grumpy faces and the mood swings of my cousin and others.

So once again it’s that time to share an old blog post with you.
This one was one of the hardest I have ever written and the shame I feel hits like a ton of bricks.
Thankfully I have turned a corner and I haven’t done this for a good few years now, you’ll understand what I’m on about when you read the post below.

It’s very hard to post this again as the shame and judgement eats away at me but if it can help just one person it has to be worth it.
So without further ado I give you……..

The first cut is the deepest.

My mum has asked me to write a blog, to try to explain to her why I self harm.

She asked me to try to make her understand why I would put myself at danger and why is it so hard to express my feeling in any other way.

I have self harmed since I was about 10 years old, I have always had it under control.
I’m sure reading that, you are thinking “under control, how on earth is that controlled ?”
When I say controlled I mean, I used a clean blade, made sure someone was always at home, incase I cut too deep.
That I cleaned and dressed the cut.

So maybe you are thinking freak, well you would be within your right to think so.
But please bare with me while I try to explain this the best I can.
I believe this will be the hardest blog I will ever write and I am putting myself out there to be judged by you all.
A huge risk for me to take, but if I can put my Mum’s mind at rest and even help someone out there understand a little, I believe that it is worth the risk.

I will always remember my first cut, the pain was incredible, and seeing the blood, made me feel sick and if I am honest I looked at myself and thought ” OMG I’m a freak”
I now can not remember why I made that first cut or why I did it again.
One cut I remember above all the others, I was 12 years old.
I had been through an awful chapter in my life and I felt so much emotional pain that I did not know how to deal with it.
I felt totally alone in my life and I had no one to turn to.
I picked up a Stanly blade and without any thought to it I cut my wrist.
I didn’t even notice the pain, I felt a release of all the emotional pain built up inside, leaking with my blood.
All the hurt and anger pumped out of me and I felt free for the first time in months.

After that with every cut I made, my pain drained out, my soul was free, and disappointment was gone.

But Cutting is an addiction that you cannot stop once you’ve started, that’s why its such a tragedy.
You cut to feel better but the whole time you are risking your own life.
What if you cut too deep and you can’t be saved ?
Last year, this nearly happened, I was lost and I cut too deeply and ended up in hospital. I nearly died.
If it was not for two certain people I would not be here to tell this tale. I thank them for keeping me alive.

I still didn’t learn and I cut again and again
Its was EASIER to deal with the Physical pain then the Emotional pain
But then I saw the light, I saw a different view on life and now I hardly cut at all and when I do, it doesn’t give me the sense of freedom, it hurts and I am disappointed in myself.
It’s adds to the problems, and you know what, those problems are nothing compared to others. So why am I letting them get to me.

My scars may have faded with the help of laser treatment and the depression suppressed but the urge will always be with me.
I am sure as sure that I can beat it.
Instead of looking at the bad I’m trying to see the good that surrounds me, every day is a new beginning and a new page in my book of life.
And as I have said many times, ” life is for living, a gift.”
So when I go to hurt myself, I step back and think about what if it goes wrong, what am I leaving behind, and I know that life is worth having the bad days for.
With out the bad your can’t see how good the good really is.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived..sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.
That’s what living is all about.

Self harm may help you for a split second, but the long-term damage is not worth it.
Please if you ever feel like it’s the only way, count to 10 look around you and see something beautiful, a smile, a picture, a flower, a friend, remember a perfect memory, think of your dreams and tell yourself, to be strong.
And if all else fails, remember you are loved and not alone. There are people to talk to.

And if you still can’t shake the feeling, remember this blog and throw me a message, maybe I could help.

Let your story

It is so difficult when life seems to be going well then all of a sudden you start spiraling into a depressive state, (sometimes not even knowing why) and then you feel you can find no way out of them black clouds as they get darker and darker.
You think you are a burden on everyone if you turn to them, or you are scared to speak out because of stigma.
Well guess what, you are not a burden at all and the tide is turning with attached stigmas to mental health. Don’t sit there and suffer in silence trying to make sense of it all, as for now the main thing is to try to get yourself back on track and feeling better. If any of my friends are struggling please speak out, not only can you help ‘YOU’ but you can help many ‘OTHERS’ too.
Let your story help change someone else’s life.

Regardless

imageDon’t hide your thoughts and feelings, especially when you can make a difference. Be brave. Speak up. There is no greater sadness than holding on to the honest words you never had the courage to speak. Say what needs to be said.
Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn’t make you happy or healthy for that matter.
Everyone has a story hidden inside them that is equally as complex as your own…try to understand that people are not always as happy as they seem. Be patient with them.
Pay attention. Open your heart and care.
Everyone you meet has something that eats away at them, that brings darkness and sorrow.
Many of your greatest accomplishments in life come when you are able to bless someone else while you are going through your own storm.
So regardless of what’s going on in your life, be gentle and kind. Think before you speak and act. Always remember that the kindness you give out, touches someone and somehow makes their life a little better.
You were made to make a difference, so embrace every opportunity to do so. No act of your kindness, no matter how tiny, will ever be wasted.

Burning the candle at both ends…

imageThis morning I read this and a lot of home truths came rolling in.

“You know sleep is very important to a healthy lifestyle. It’s possible that sleep is just as important to the human body as exercise. When you sleep, that’s when the body is doing its maintenance. If you don’t give the body time to do its maintenance then things start to break.”

Sleep and I have the worst relationship, I always wake feeling as if I haven’t slept.
It’s a continues battle between restless sleep and no sleep at all.
It really does take it tole on me, I feel exhausted all the time and my energy levels are at zero.
Ok I get that my condition has a huge part to play in feeling down and out but boy, I feel totally worn out by 9 in the morning.

I often think if my state of mind has a part to play also, I know if I worry that sleep becomes harder, my mind will not shut down and I toss and turn all night.

But what can I do about it?

I don’t eat after 7pm if I can help it and I eat as healthy as I can. ( we can’t be good all the time)

Coffee and tea I won’t touch from around 6pm.

I always try to just sit and either listen to calming music or watch mind numbing television or sometime even meditate for at least an hour before I go up to bed.

I think I’m doing all the right things and still I only master 4 to 5 hours sleep a night if that.
I know this as fact, as my sis brought me a fit bit for Christmas so I can monitor my sleep.
I was kinda disturbed by my results and have no idea what I can do to change it.

Something needs to change or this candle will burn its self out at both ends.