Flashback Friday

Not much to report this week, I’ve spent most of it feeling a tad under the weather, so I’ve sat and started the massive task of making new cushions for my mum.

I have though been talking to a few of my people about their unhappy marriages. 👰🏻🤵🏻💍
It’s such a shame that people just give up on relationships when a little hard work, conversation and a listening ear could save thousands legal fees. 💰
If you love someone fight for them, if they are your world, give them your world. Life is far from easy, love is even harder but it’s also worth giving your all for.
We all give up before we have even tried, that truly saddens my soul.
Saying that, the flashback for today’s Friday, tells a different story, one where love just doesn’t come into it.
A violent marriage shouldn’t be fort for.
With that said, this is my story and I hope it may give someone the fighting chance to walk away.🐾
So without farther ado I give you this weeks Flashback Friday.
Stay strong, stay true and enjoy your weekend.😃


Stepping back in time to a new marriage and hope of a peaceful future. Boy wasn’t I wrong.
Can’t say I was overjoyed to be a Mrs, but it had got me out of home and what I thought was a better life.

Wedding bliss didn’t last long. My husband became a control freak and I went back to the dark ages.
His tea would have to be on the table when he got home, I would have to be waiting with coffee made, a news paper and slippers in my hand.
The bath running so as soon as he ate it was ready for him.
I got use to this and thought maybe this is the way it was in every household.
As the years went on Rob would control who I saw, who I spoke to, even told me how to dress.
Sadly I turned to a drink here and there to help control the ill feeling I was building up. I still played the good housewife, did what I was told and played by his rules.
I remember one day I got home late from work, and his tea was not ready. This is the first time I felt his hand. I was shocked, in pain and totally convinced it was my own doing.
I was in the wrong, I should have got home quicker

I forgave and thought he won’t do it again
But he had found a power over me, he loved the control.
The beatings got worse from then on.
I could see no way out and I was told by my step father that marriage was not something you walk away from. “You gave yourself to him the day you wed in the eyes of god.”
I stuck it out, I don’t know why, I hid the bruises well, so I thought.
I closed in on myself, shutting the world out.
I became scared of everything and felt like there was no way out.
But there always was, I could have left at any time, but he made me feel so weak that I truly didn’t believe I could walk away and hold myself together.
Finally one day, I found out my husband was having a relationship and that was my get out.
I packed my bags and ran

Since that day I have never looked back, I found myself again and I was strong enough to stand alone and face the world.

I now will never let anyone lay a finger on me and the first time they do, they will be my past.

Anyway the motto to my story is
No matter how weak someone can make you feel, how alone in the world and how useless you feel.
You are stronger than you think and you can walk away. You can be true to yourself and live without fear.

Don’t let any one every hurt you, make you feel worthless. And the first time your partner hits you, don’t tell yourself it’s a one-off because it is not. They will not change.
Get out before it destroys you.


The morning after……

img_4218When life has you by the balls, pulling you to your knees.
When love has shattered your heart into a trillion unfixable pieces.
When the sky’s are dark and the days are as black as the moonless nights.
When all hope has wilted and there just isn’t an end in sight.
When life no longer holds a meaning and you’ve no energy left to fight.
Then your eyes have no sparkle and you soul is torn apart.
Look deep within your heart and see that somewhere, someone is out there ready to help you fight, comfort you, listen and remind you that it will be alright.
I’ve been here and somehow I survived, I really don’t know how but I did.
You can to.

I found the below article by the very talent Meggie Royer, over a month ago and have had it open on my iPad ever since.
It touched my soul in many different ways.
And even though it’s sad, it’s also beautiful in its own right, (Maggie is one talented writer) so much so I have to share it and hope that it can give a little peace to someone who is struggling, someone who is surrounded by darkness and is lost without the light, someone who is lonely, someone who is drowning in heartache.
I know it’s the hardest thing on earth to lift yourself out of the black hole you have fallen in, the climb will be extremely difficult, but with every step forward the darkness gains different shades of black to grey and the light will slowly but surely filter through.
You can make it out and in time you will want to, you will want to see the beauty of the morning frost, the sunlight dancing on the walls, the roar of the ocean, the dew on the spring grasses, who have also been fighting their own battles to see the warming glow of the sun, to come alive once more.
Life is so delightful in so many ways, you just have to re-train your mind to focus on the beauty instead of the pain. It will NOT be easy, I’m certain of that because I’m still claiming to find not just the light, but to find myself once again and even though I will be different, I will be stronger also and I will be able to see the magic of the light again…….

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass.

I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two-year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few day lilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her, her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping-stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

By Meggie Royer.

In with the new.

img_3906The new week arrived and I’m hoping it brings smiles, laughter and energy.
I’m looking forward with a positive attitude, this week will be a better one. With that, I’m reminding myself, that you cannot find peace by avoiding life.
Life spins with unexpected changes every hour, so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.
Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.
Finding peace and happiness in life does not mean that you have to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things while remaining calm in your heart.
This isn’t easy, it will be an ongoing struggle.
But it’s infinitely easier than continuing the way you are. When your positive attitude is working, there will be peace, there will be beauty, and there will be happiness.
When life is falling apart, it could actually be falling together which is why it feels so darn uncomfortable. Consider that what’s in front of you may be serving you in valuable ways you don’t even understand right now.
Life is a wild ride and definitely not a smooth one.
You will find Happiness and you will lose it. You will find it again and lose it once more.
So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point. Everyone feels lost sometimes. But most of all try to remember………
“Life is too short to spend at war with yourself.”


img_3893I heard the heartbreaking news that one of my childhood friend took his own life.
He was so young and a happy, out going person with a wonderful future in front of him.
I can not judge his decision as I have been in his shoes and fully understand the darkness that he faced, I just wish that I could have seen him, talked to him and given him a hug and a little heartfelt advice.

We all must accept the fact that life is not perfect, that people are not perfect, and that you are not perfect. And that’s okay, because the real world doesn’t reward perfection.
Perfection is bull sh**, no one is perfect, everyone hurts and cries.
So please try to……Smile every chance you get, not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have or overcome.
Try to understand that you are no alone in your suffering and that there is a tiny glimmer of light at the end of that ever so long dark tunnel.
Know that even though you have lost your one true love, your soul mate, your completion, that you can survive without her/him and you will learn life can go on without them, just think of the good times when the darkness rolls in and think to yourself how lucky you were to find and to have that.
That’s how I get through the day, and if I can do it, so can you.
It doesn’t mean I’m fixed because I’m far from, it means I choose to live and hopefully in time that light will glimmer through.

The start of something new

imageGood morning and I hope you all had an awesome weekend and a delightful week ahead.
My weekend was a good one and the start of something new, which has brought endless smiles, laughter and hope.
You see we’ve started our very own little adventure which holds new beginnings and positivity.
Let me explain.
Last week my constants all had a meeting together to discuss my future plans for different trail treatments (hopefully something that will help to ease life.)
One suggestion was to work with a highly trained team to get my modality too better levels, which means hours and hours of hydrotherapy, or aquatic therapy. This has been tried before, sadly with no happy outcome. The other treatment I will sure write about when they start, but they all seem interesting, time-consuming but hopefully helpful.
Any way, I decided to take things into my own hands with a little help from my friend Rich.
I brought myself a push bike.🚴
I have brought Marly-Kate one for her birthday as she just loves to scoot around on the farm but she is fastly growing out of hers. (Sssshhhhh don’t tell me as she doesn’t have it yet. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she sees her big girls bike)
I will admit that when we took are first ride, I was very nervous even scared. It would be her first time riding solo on a road without someone next to her in case she wobbled but in true Marly-Kate style she proved that she can hold her own and how determined she is to succeed. I’m very, very proud of her.
My fear just wasn’t for her but for myself also.
I knew it would be very painful, hard work and I didn’t want to disappoint my very excited little girl.
I had to do this even though I knew deep down that I could be making myself fall at the first hurdle. I knew the pain would be extreme and that I would have to grit my teeth and push through, also there was the fact that I haven’t been on a push bike for a very long time and that alone was a small fear all by itself.
Well we did it, slowly but surly we did it. Through gritted teeth and determination we had our very first bike ride together.
I will admit that it hurt, it hurt like hell, and by the end of it my foot was black and totally numb. But it felt so good, so, so, good.
So our new adventure started and we carried it on yesterday, sadly though we didn’t get any further than the day before, which I secretly hoped we would but as Rich kept reminding me, small steps are the way to go, no point pushing it and doing more damage.
I totally get that but there is that side of me, that has always pushed me to do better, to go faster, to win.
I really didn’t think I had that still in me, I have competed in sport for a very long time, I guess you never lose that competitiveness once it’s in your blood.
I was once a great athlete, with an amazing further in front of me, I guess that still lives on, I just didn’t release it.
I know I can never be that fit, determined athlete again but it’s kinda nice to know it’s not totally lost. That somewhere in me lays the person I once was before I lost myself through love and heartbreak.
Not only that but hopefully that fire burning deep within my soul can be the flames I need to burn is illness into control and I can take my life back.
In turn making my daughter happy and giving her the freedom of the countryside around us.
I say roll on 3.20 when school ends and we can try to do it again, and hopefully get a little bit further, in time get to Salisbury where we can sit eat ice cream and motivate ourselves for the ride home. It’s a long way off but we will get there, I’m determined not to let my health beat me. I’m determined to give my daughter the memories she deserves.
I would like to say a huge thank you to Rich for being by Marly-Kate’s side and support us through this adventure. Don’t forget that helmet this time, if only so we can take the piss. 😝 No really it’s best to be safe than sorry.

Have a great day guys and enjoy this gorgeous weather.
Toodalio 🚲

Here’s hoping

Yesterday I finally saw a consultant that didn’t want to pass the buck onto different departments.
She was pretty damn good. I was in with her for well over an hour having lots of different tests done.
I got to hear the blood moving around my veins and where the blood stopped flowing. She was very concerned about the lack of blood in my feet and heads. It was very strange to hear the blood stop.
She even went off to speck to the top dog and demanded more ct scans, mra’s, echos and other tests that I haven’t heard of.
She sat and listened to what I had to say, not many consultants do that, your just a number and they can’t wait to get the next into the room.
This senior doctor, was not in a hurry and it was so nice to not feel like I was wasting her time. She really did care and wants answers. Maybe now I may get more than “Sorry we can’t help you, there is no cure!!!”

Here’s hoping.

Stars of hope.

Emotional healing is a process, don’t rush yourself through it.
Don’t let others force you through it either.
For our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us. Only you have a choice to explore these parts of yourself and only in the dark can you see the stars.
The stars of hope.
Look for them, really see them. They are beautiful and every one different, every one special in its own right, just like us humans.

And as humans we must get deeply involved with the thoughts and activities that keeps our hope alive and our intentions possible.
No, hope alone will not save us from despair, but hope can empower you to strive and grow even when your circumstances are in shambles.
The road that is built with hope is more pleasant than the road built-in despair, even though they both may seem to lead you to the same place in the short-term.
But it is the positive growth you may obtain on your way to this temporary place that will benefit your final destination where you hopes and dreams become part of you, part of your story.

Flashback Friday

imageWhat a week, a busy trying week, full of ups and downs but I won’t go into this now but I will leave you with a post from the 1st April 2013. We just found out my mum had a brain tumour and it throw our life’s up side down. Sadly we are back there again as it has returned and we are awaiting news on her latest MRI to see how much it has grown.
Life’s very unfair.
Fingers and toes crossed that it hasn’t grown to much.
So I leave you with this…….

Clouds rolling in, but will they make for a beautiful sunset


And the storm clouds coming rolling in
The ice has melted and are causing storms.
Uncontrollable storms that I have no way of understanding or dealing with.
When you open up your heart to one, you sadly let others slip in.
You start to feel and let everything effect you.
Unknown to you, you become a portal for emotion.
What you once dealt with by closing doors and building walls, it is now impossible to do so.
Your feeling and hurting and you lose control of any reasonable thoughts.
Life becomes a bubble of pain, love , hate joy and longing.

And while I am so deeply in love, living in bliss, my world outside of that comes crumbling down around me.
I’m finding it very hard to get my head around my Mum’s news and what will happen in the next few months. If I’m honest I’m scared I will lose her.
I’m scared that my dad will lose his love and I’m scared of everything that could come with it.
And all though I know, this has to be done, and the outcome will be the best one.
I can’t get my head around it right now.
In spite of these feelings I know my mum is a strong lady and she will not let her own fears show.
That she will fight for what she believes in and that is to live.
I guess I should have faith in those feelings as I know that I’m strong and won’t give in when I want something so badly.
After all I am my mothers daughter.

Let your scars remind you

Tragedy should be used as a source of strength.
Someday when you least expect it life will blindside you with necessary chaos. And once the chaos has ended, you won’t remember exactly how you made it through, or where you found the strength you needed to carry on. You won’t even be sure whether the chaos has completely ended. But there is one thing you can be sure about.. When it does finally come to an end, you will be a much stronger person than who you were before it happened, which is precisely why it was necessary.
So let your scars remind you that you did indeed survive your deepest wounds.
This in itself is a major accomplishment. And let them continue to bring to mind the fact that the damage life has inflicted on you has, in many ways and places, left you stronger and more resilient.
I for one have to believe this or I would shatter and break, more so than I already am.
There has to be hope that my wounds will heal and I can once again feel some sort of peace.
Without that hope I don’t know how I even got this far.
Hope is my strength, my saviour, my sanity.
Without it, I know I wouldn’t be here.

Only so many tomorrows.

imageI have to admit the last few days, I learnt a new totally different emotion, I have looked fear straight in the face and I’m kinda ashamed to admit it.
I’m just a tad frightened.
My blood has terrified me.
I knew it was thick, I knew that there is no cure, but I guess I just didn’t want to believe how bad it was.
The last two hospital trips have been an eye opener for sure. And I’m scared, I really scared.
But that fear has to stay right here no this page.
If I have learnt one thing though, it would be………”live each moment in full, in kindness and peace and try to do the best you can with what you have in this moment because that is all you can ever expect of anyone, including yourself.”

A lifetime isn’t very long.
This is your life, and you’ve got to fight for it. Fight for what’s right.
Fight for what you believe in, for what’s important to you, for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you.
Realise that right now you’re lucky because you still have a chance.
So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it today.
There are only so many tomorrows.