Hurt

I’m so hurt by people judging me, just because I don’t always look ill, it’s doesn’t mean I’m not. Unless you have these god damn diseases you have no idea how I feel every day, and how hard life really is.
Until you have walked in my shoes, do NOT judge me or pretend to know what I’m going through or how I feel.
Do not assume just because I don’t always look sick that I’m fine. Do not put it down to me having lack of sleep or that I can’t be bothered because that is so wrong, that I would give to be able to do what others find easy and don’t even have to think about.
I’m sick of living in a world that has no compassion or understanding.
People really need to open there eyes, and see the bigger picture, to open their ears and listen but most of to NOT judge what they know nothing about and not to walk out of people’s life’s because they can’t do what every other Tom, Dick and Harry can.
Lupus is a very slow, very painful, invisible death sentence
Rant over!!!

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Flashback Friday

Enough week is coming to an end, the clock is slowly ticking closer to the weekend.
And once again it’s time to rewind back the clock to past blogs.
While looking back to find a blog post to share, I released that on the 19th Feb, I have written a few powerful post.
It was hard to pick one, 3 of them are in the running but I have decided to post one that may help others.
I will admit it makes me sick to the stomach to post this and shame and embarrassment washes over me and once again I have to put myself in the firing line of judgement in hopes that it may just help someone.
On a positive note, one I am very proud of, I have kept a promise, that I made to Ross, that I wouldn’t ever do this again and I have NOT.
I’ve kept that promise alive.
So here goes……………..

The first cut is the deepest.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/02/19/the-first-cut-is-the-deepest/

My mum has asked me to write a blog, to try to explain to her why I self harm.
She asked me to try to make her understand why I would put myself at danger and why is it so hard to express my feelings without hurting myself.

I have self harmed since I was about 10 years old, and I believed I always had it under control.
I’m sure reading that, you are thinking, “Under control, how on earth is that controlled?”
When I say controlled I mean, I always use a clean blade, made sure someone was always at home, incase I cut too deep, that I cleaned and dressed the cut.

So maybe you are thinking Freak, well you would be within your right to think so.
But please bare with me while I try to explain this the best I can.
I believe this will be the hardest blog I will ever write and I am putting myself out there to be judged by you all.
A huge risk for me to take, but if I can put my mum’s mind at rest and even help someone out there understand a little, I believe that it is worth the risk.

I will always remember my first cut, the pain was incredible, and seeing the blood, made me feel sick and if I am honest I looked at myself and thought ” OMG I’m a freak”
I now can not remember why I made that first cut or why I did it again.
 (Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all, or I would remember why I did it.)

One cut I remember above all the others, I was about 12 years old.
I had been through an awful chapter in my life and I felt so much emotional pain that I did not know how to deal with it.
I felt totally alone in my life and I had no one to turn to.
I picked up a blade and without any thought to it, I cut my wrist.
I didn’t even notice the pain, I felt a release of all the emotional pain built up inside, leaking out with my blood.
All the hurt and anger pumped out of me and I felt free for the first time in months.
After that with every cut I made, my pain drained out, my soul was free, and disappointment was gone.

But Cutting is an addiction that you cannot stop once you’ve started, that’s why it’s such a tragedy.
You cut to feel better, sadly though, the whole time you are risking your own life.
What if you cut too deep and you end up killing yourself?
Last year, this nearly happened, I was lost and I cut too deeply and ended up in hospital. I nearly died.
If it was not for two certain people, one who knows me better than I know myself, he called for help which in turn, lead to me being taken to hospital, given blood transfusions etc.

I cannot really remember much about that day, but I know, I would not be here to tell this tale if it wasn’t for them.
I thank them for keeping me alive.

I still didn’t learn and I cut again and again, 
It’s was EASIER to deal with the Physical pain then the Emotional pain.
For some reason I saw the light, I saw a different view on life and now I hardly cut at all and when I do, it doesn’t give me the sense of freedom, it hurts and I am disappointed in myself.
It adds to the problems, and you know what, those problems are nothing compared to others.
So why am I letting them get to me.
My scars may have faded with the help of laser treatment and the depression suppressed but the urge will always be with me.
I am sure as sure, can be, that I can beat it, I want to beat it.

Instead of looking at the bad I’m trying to see the good that surrounds me.
Every day is a new beginning and a new page in my book of life.
As I have said many times,
” Life is for living, a gift.”
So when I go to cut myself, I now step back and think about,

what if it goes wrong? what am I leaving behind?

and then I see that life is worth having the bad days for.
With out the bad your can not see how good the good really is.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived, sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.
That’s what living is all about.

Self harm may help you for a split second, but the long-term damage is not worth it.
Please if you ever feel like it’s the only way, count to 10 look around you and see something beautiful,
a Smile, a Picture, a Flower, a Friend, remember a perfect Memory, think of your dreams, you still want to come true and tell yourself, to be strong.
If all else fails, remember you are loved and not alone. There are people to talk to who care and love you, for who you are.
Every cut you make hurts them to.

If you still can’t shake the feeling, remember this blog and throw me a message, maybe I could help.

Betrayal.

imageBetrayal is the worst possible thing someone can do to you.
It is the worst possible feeling in the world.
It can crash the uncrushable, it can hurt deeper than any other thing possible in life.

This weekend I discovered through a friend, that I had been betrayed by the person I care for the most in my life.
The person I love more than the air I breathe, more than life itself.
What makes it worse is I have been blamed over the last year or so, that I had betrayed him. (how wrong were the people who believed him and judged me the worse possible way with out getting the facts and proof.)
When I know I never did such a thing, I have everything I need to prove this, if I had only been given time to prove it.
But I guess he will never see/know the truth and he has to live with that for the rest of his life.
At least I have the freedom of knowing the truth and it won’t haunt me the way it will him, if he even cares enough to let it bother him.
From what I was shown this weekend, it has never kept him awake at night, and maybe just maybe he hasn’t shed a tear.

The betrayal I was shown this weekend confirms to me that he really never cared.
That to me is the biggest betrayal known to men.
He lied to me for nearly four years.
He looked me in the eye every day and lied point-blank to my face.
What makes it worse is I believed him, I let him into my heart, I let him breakdown my walls, I told him my deepest darkest secrets and I let him make me believe that our future was solid, that we would be together for ever.
I truly believed him.
The funny thing is, that I’m not angry at him, I think it’s sad that he would string me along for all that time while not given a thought to how he made me feel and what he was doing.
I’m hurt really hurt by what I was shown, to be truthful I’m devastated to say the least.
The news broke the remaining part of my heart. It truly now is beyond repair.
But I am most angry with myself for letting him in to my heart, for falling helplessly in love with him, for giving him the power to destroy me.
I hate myself for that, I will NEVER let anyone do that to me again EVER.
But you know what sucks big time, I still love him and I always will.

Conquer the pain….

imageDon’t ever be ashamed of the scars life has left you with.
A scar means the hurt is over and the wound is closed.
It means you conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger, and moved forward.
A scar is the tattoo of a triumph. So don’t allow your scars to hold you hostage. Don’t allow them to make you live your life in fear. You can’t make the scars in your life disappear, but you can change the way you see them. You can start seeing your scars as a sign of strength and not pain. If you have no other testimony right now, you have this one.
“I’m still here trying.” Be positive, patient and persistent. The more you feel like quitting, the more there is to be gained by continuing to do all three.
Because the strongest people aren’t the people who always win, but the people who don’t give up when they lose.