When I let my mind wander, to the time I was truly happy, this one song always comes on randomly. It’s almost like I’m being told to stop torturing myself, that Porter is up there somewhere looking out for me.
When he looked into your eyes and told you he loves you, you know and understood right that second how powerful those words are, that they came from his soul.
That the love he had for you in that moment, was pure and the most genuine words ever spoken.
He meant it with every inch of his being.
That unforgettable I love you.
The I love you, that will stay embedded in your mind and heart for the rest of your life.
And even if you never hear those words again in your life time, while his breathtaking blue eyes look into your soul, you knew, truly knew that, that I love you, meant everything.
The tree was shimmering, the house smelt of turkey and wine flowed as Mum kept busy in the kitchen on that magical Christmas Eve.
My mum was holding Christmas that rememberable year, all the family were coming to ours, for plates full of turkey and all the trimmings.
As we prepare to go to Christingle, followed by Christmas drinks and nibbles, Mum puts the freshly cooked turkey in our what seemed to Jane, Alex and I our huge shed.
How we loved that shed, we would spend hours upon hours playing happily in there, we would crush petals and make perfumes, bottle them up and give them as Christmas pressies to our grandparents and other unlucky relations. 😂
So off we went for an evening full of Christmas joys, carols, party games and way to much alcohol. 🍷
On our return home, Jane and I ran to our shed to carry on the game that we had unwilling left.
On opening the door we weren’t met by the smell of turkey that should have been cooling inside, instead we were greeted by every cat from our neighbourhood as well as some other cheeky buggers that gate crashed the feline Christmas party which was in full flow around our turkey 🦃
As they fled from the scene, leaving behind bones where once sat our Christmas dinner. 🤣
Jane and I roared with laughter as we made our exit from the underground feline Christmas party 🎈 Running as fast as we could to tell Mum all about the naughty kitty’s, my feet skid from under me as I fall face first down the stairs of our shed, smashing my nose as I hit the icy path below.
Christmas Eve turned manic as John (my step dad) chased cats out the garden, Mum became my own personal nurse as I covered her party dress in blood and our turkey sat in the roasting tin, naked.
It definitely was a sight to see.
Tears flowed, giggles exploded into ear-piecing laughter and Christmas was declared, cancelled.
So off to bed I go, feeling sorry for myself with my bright red nose.
As I awake to the, ho, ho, ho of
Christmas morning, Santa has come and gone, milk, mince pies, carrots have been consumed, presents filled our front room.
As we sat opening presents, an unexpected ring of our door bell sends us young ones to the next level of excitement. Standing on tiptoes, I manage to pull open the door to be greeted by a gathering of our neighbours, friends and family with dishes and dishes full of turkey and the words that would stay with me a lifetime.
“Happy Christmas Rudolph”
A Christmas nickname that would stay with me a lifetime but more importantly, memories of the not so perfect Christmas becoming the memory that first comes to mind when I think of Christmas past, the Christmas I was named Rudolph.
It’s funny how you get a text and you nearly wet yourself with laughter.
This morning my buddy Rich sent me a text and I nearly fall to the floor laughing.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in an age and boy it felt good.🤣
The funny thing is, I use to get texts like that from my dear friend Porter.
Not many days went by that he didn’t have me in stitches, he really was a clown. 🤡
I miss him terribly but I will always hold his kind, caring, jaw aching funniness close to my heart and remember that the two people I call my best friends, (Ross and Porter) were the two people who could make me smile, laugh and love life, like no others ever could.
Remembering the happy times, the most wonderful , the most precious times, warms my soul and gives me a little peace in a world that is now foreign to me.
After a fab start to the week and a weekend full of great company, fun, games and freedom, the week hasn’t ended the way I hoped it would, well it is Friday the 13th!!!
I really did have great hopes for the week and even with the storm that took out the phone lines, I was pretty content in writing a blog post on my phone and walking through muddy fields until I could find 3G so I could post it. I guess its all part of moor life, a part I love about being there.
I’m cut off from the world. No phone signal, and internet that only works when it decides to.
Even though I love technology, it’s a welcome break from, being able to be got hold of. When the body and mind needs a time out, it’s the perfect getaway.
The weekend was great, even the weather didn’t stop us, stepping back in time and finding freedom of mind as well as freedom of our souls.
It really was a delight, care free, until that moment I fall off the swing and landed in freezing cold water.
That moment changed everything.
Not only did it send my mind into overtime but my body went into shock as the cold took hold.
So my plan of a fun-filled week, doing not much but enjoying the freedom that Devon brings, I ended up, spending most of the week wrapped up in front of the fire with hot water bottles, pain killers and pile of blankets over me.
My mind was free to play every trick it could, every emotion reared its ugly head and I felt pain deeper than I have let myself in a while.
All those emotions I had pushed deep within my soul came flooding out, grief surrounded me as I fall lower than I have been in a long time.
Life carried on around me as I spent days staring into space reliving every moment, I’ve forbidden myself to think about.
I’ve had to workout all over again to suppress all those feelings, gain strength and put a smile firmly back on my face. I’ll admit, it’s been hard, extremely hard but I got there and took that journey home.
I never thought that I would ever feel grateful to return to the rat race we call life. Here I have to get on, I have no choice but the busy myself.
Life goes on no matter how you feel or how you are coping, you have no choice, you have to get your butt out of bed and live your day the best you can.
You have to answer the hundred and one emails waiting for you, you have to do all the tasks that have built up since you were last at home and work your way through that mountain of washing you brought home with you.
It’s what I need right now, I need to feel as I have a purpose, I need to busy my mind with the endless crap that running a family home gives.
I need to dull out the pain by doing all those brain numbing chores.
I need to remember that life doesn’t just hold heartbreak, it’s beautiful in its own way, it holds memories that I don’t want to forget, that I never will forget.
And that leads us to this weeks flashback, to memories that bring a smile.
So without further ado, I’ll wish you good health, a happy home, a smile on your lips and freedom that the weekend ahead may bring.
Enjoy guys.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
🌹🌹🌹
Life without friends is like life on a desert island…
I wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.
Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge 😃
And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.
Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.
As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.
I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.
At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)
I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the sea’s edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stolen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”
How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.
I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.
As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)
Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx
It’s been awhile since I’ve done a flashback Friday but with the funny old week I’ve had I have to share the below post.
It’s one of my first ever blog entries and a happy one.
This week has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, smiles, frown, tears and joy.
In all honesty it’s been emotionally hard.
Watching my daughter break her heart, morning after morning as I leave her at school, it is incredibly hard.
The first day, I found it impossible to leave her, her heart was breaking as tears fall, her breathing changed as she got herself more and more into a state which she wasn’t coming back from. It’s every mothers nightmare.
How I wish she loved school, how I wish she would go off skipping and full of sunshine that normally is in full swing.
It’s not the fact that she hates to learn or even finds it difficult, she loves to learn, we spend hours, upon hours watching documentaries, reading books, sitting in the library, strolling the internet, learning about anything and everything, she truly loves knowledge.
So what is it that makes her scared of her own shadow, when we enter those school gates?
Should I home school?
Do I have the knowledge and understanding to give her everything she needs to be the best she is capable of being?
I don’t want to hold her back, I want her to be happy and conquer the world the best way she can.
Where would I even start, when it comes to home schooling?
On top of that, I’m in a middle of a flare that has me absolutely exhausted, fighting every minute to stay awake, add to that, a dear friend of mine is struggling and all I want to do is make it better. I feel so very useless, I wish I had the right words, anything to make it better, I don’t and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
The last month, I’ve been to two funerals of victims of depression, that sadly they couldn’t find the strength to hold on and fight to see a glimpse of hope. It’s so very sad, to know these two beautiful young souls, felt so alone in the world that they couldn’t share their troubles, their emotions and their fears.
One thought a rope was the answer, the other a cocktail of pills. Even though they are at peace, they have left a massive hole in people’s life, they’ve left despair, numbness, guilt and broken hearts behind them.
It really is soul wreaking but I understand their pain, their darkness, I’ve been there more than once, more times than I wish to count, I tried, I failed and failed again.
I just wish that when people are so low, when they can not see any other way out, that they could just open up a little, trust a little and hope a little.
Life can change in a blink of an eye, happiness can warm, love can intoxicate and life can be magical.
The dark days, are to show you how wonderful the good days are and even though it’s a cruel way of showing us all what life is about, the great days, the heart skipping moments are a trillion times worth the blackest moments.
With that said I will leave you with a walk down memory land and give you this weeks flashback….. Turning tables.
Have a great weekend, find that smile, dance in the rain, free your soul of its worries and sing as badly as possible, enjoy those little moments.
🌹🌹🌹
Funny how life twists and turns.
Living through the highs and lows can be exhausting at times, but I have now learnt that the highs are so worth the lows and when excitement and joy take over your day, everything is beautiful, full of colour and wonder and that light at the end of the tunnel is in my hands glowing brightly.
I don’t know what to call this feeling but I know why and who has given my this incredible happiness.
Why I see life as a gift instead of a battle.
It all started with a new friendship that grow into something so special no other can compare. That friendship then fall into love, an over powering love that takes over my world and gives me the energy to flight any darkness that try’s to destroy my light.
With this love, I have learnt to see the goodness and the light that surrounds me.
Life now is worth living, it’s a blessing and an adventure that I wish to share with my soul mate, the guy who changed my life for the better.
Who gave me strength and hope. He gave me life and I’m finally living
and the start of an exciting weekend, where dreams really do come true.
Omg, I can’t believe tomorrow I will be living out a childhood dream and I’m so flipping excited, I could scream. 😊
With that said I’m going to end this one short and leave you with this weeks trip down memory lane.
Funny enough, it just happens to be about dreams.
so without further ado I wish you an awesome weekend. Stay safe, happy and true.
Much luv
🌹🌹🌹
Every so often I am shown that giving up on a dream I lived for, doesn’t have to be a huge mistake.
Once again I have been shown I could have this dream but I now see that, what I have now in my life, my daughter, my amazing other half and love and support from my friends and growing family is much more rewarding and fills my heart with much more light and love than what I ever could have had if I had followed that dream.
Sometimes giving up on a dream may feel wrong and you may regret your choice, but you wouldn’t be where you are today or even who you are today with out that.
Today I am happy with my choices and thankful for the life I have lived because it has brought me to now, a time of new beginnings, hopes and dreams and a love that grows every second of everyday.
Right now my life is pretty perfect.
Wow, what a week it’s been.
So full of smiles, laughter, and just all round great stuff.
I’ve tested myself to the limits and did pretty damn great, if I do say so myself.
We’ve jumped in puddles, danced in the rain but best of all we booked some exciting stuff for the future.
We’ve eaten Thai food, watched movies and documentaries while snuggling under a home-made blanket. We’ve created and opened our minds to all the possibilities. We’ve listened to music and danced until we couldn’t possibly dance anymore.
We’ve had a blast and it’s only the beginning. 😁
Is this how it feels to be happy, it’s been so long that I had forgotten. It’s a pretty amazing feeling.
To top it all off, the sun has decide to grace us with its presence and we have whole full day to fill with more laughter and smiles. ☀️
So I’ll wish you well, I’ll wish you happiness, I’ll wish you an amazing day full of possibilities and I’ll leave with a little trip down memory lane.
Take care, stay safe but most of all, smile, laugh and dance in the rain ☔️
🌹🌹🌹
Forget your head.
Forget your head and listen to your heart. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this.
To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all.
You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.
Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first, real, kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises.
Love is not a fairytale.
Love is about still having the butterflies after years.
It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them.
It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little pressie’s here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things.
Love is rare and special.
Love is a comfortable feeling, a place to go when NO ONE else in the world can relate but the two of you. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be loved.
When you see them walk past, your eye is immediately drawn to them. When you hear them speak, your ears are completely tuned in on their voice. When you watch them smile, your heart smiles along with them.
And who says you can’t love someone from a distance?
It doesn’t feel like a distance because you already know them. You know how they move, how they hold themselves. You know them better than anybody else. Because you feel the warmth beneath.
To me, love will always come first, no matter what has happened in the past. No matter what the troubles are.
If you love someone I mean truly love them, than forgiveness should always come because your love for them is the strongest emotion.
Love is everything. ❤️
Ice Maiden Diaries 