After a fab start to the week and a weekend full of great company, fun, games and freedom, the week hasn’t ended the way I hoped it would, well it is Friday the 13th!!!
I really did have great hopes for the week and even with the storm that took out the phone lines, I was pretty content in writing a blog post on my phone and walking through muddy fields until I could find 3G so I could post it. I guess its all part of moor life, a part I love about being there.
I’m cut off from the world. No phone signal, and internet that only works when it decides to.
Even though I love technology, it’s a welcome break from, being able to be got hold of. When the body and mind needs a time out, it’s the perfect getaway.
The weekend was great, even the weather didn’t stop us, stepping back in time and finding freedom of mind as well as freedom of our souls.
It really was a delight, care free, until that moment I fall off the swing and landed in freezing cold water.
That moment changed everything.
Not only did it send my mind into overtime but my body went into shock as the cold took hold.
So my plan of a fun-filled week, doing not much but enjoying the freedom that Devon brings, I ended up, spending most of the week wrapped up in front of the fire with hot water bottles, pain killers and pile of blankets over me.
My mind was free to play every trick it could, every emotion reared its ugly head and I felt pain deeper than I have let myself in a while.
All those emotions I had pushed deep within my soul came flooding out, grief surrounded me as I fall lower than I have been in a long time.
Life carried on around me as I spent days staring into space reliving every moment, I’ve forbidden myself to think about.
I’ve had to workout all over again to suppress all those feelings, gain strength and put a smile firmly back on my face. I’ll admit, it’s been hard, extremely hard but I got there and took that journey home.
I never thought that I would ever feel grateful to return to the rat race we call life. Here I have to get on, I have no choice but the busy myself.
Life goes on no matter how you feel or how you are coping, you have no choice, you have to get your butt out of bed and live your day the best you can.
You have to answer the hundred and one emails waiting for you, you have to do all the tasks that have built up since you were last at home and work your way through that mountain of washing you brought home with you.
It’s what I need right now, I need to feel as I have a purpose, I need to busy my mind with the endless crap that running a family home gives.
I need to dull out the pain by doing all those brain numbing chores.
I need to remember that life doesn’t just hold heartbreak, it’s beautiful in its own way, it holds memories that I don’t want to forget, that I never will forget.
And that leads us to this weeks flashback, to memories that bring a smile.
So without further ado, I’ll wish you good health, a happy home, a smile on your lips and freedom that the weekend ahead may bring.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
Life without friends is like life on a desert island…
I wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.
Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge 😃
And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.
Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.
As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.
I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.
At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)
I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the sea’s edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stolen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”
How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.
I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.
As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)
Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx