Today I stepped back in time as we splashed in muddy puddles, played poo sticks, ran as fast as we could to find the perfect hiding place, giggling uncontrollably until our laughter gave us away, made a rope swing over the newly fast flowing river and let excitement of youth overcome us.
It was refreshing and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. Freedom is such a beautiful feeling that comes not often enough. It really did feel amazing to laugh as we had once had before adulthood took hold.
It was my trillionth turn on the rope swing, pushing harder and higher than I had dared to before, as I lost control and felt myself beginning to fall.
Rich, bless him, jumped into the water hoping to break my fall. His hand came to mine and without even realising it, my body froze and withdrew, landing in the freezing cold water below. As Marly-Kate, screeched with delight, clapping her hands for all her worth, time slowed to nearly a stop as I watched Rich hand come towards mine and faster than light retreat.
Pain washed over his face, as he turned and retreated out the water as fast as he could.
Those few seconds lasted in my mind a billion hours, as that deep gut punch hit me.
When did I fear human touch so much, that I would put fear into a friend whom only wanted to help me? Would it have been that bad for me to take his hand and let him help me out of the ice-cold water.
Why am I so weak that I can’t see that my hang ups, hurt the few people I care about.
Touch, especially hand holding, to me is extremely personal and ever since I was with Ross, I haven’t been able to let anyone touch me, even a hug from my mum, I pull away. If my hand is touched, I pull away without even thinking about it.
I know that no one can ever make me feel how Ross made me feel, no one ever could even come close, to how it felt when any part of our bodies touched, I can’t even begin to try to explain it, we just fitted, even melted together.
I have never felt anything like it and I never will or want to feel that with anyone else, it’s just not possible anyway.
But still I can’t stand for anyone, I seriously mean anyone to told my hand, comfort me, care for me.
And I’m deeply sorry for that, I’m sorry if I hurt you Rich, I’m sorry that you felt that you had to turn from me so I you wouldn’t have to feel the rejection that we both knew would follow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m so emotionally scarred, I can’t even let one of my closest most loyal friend lend me a hand.



It infuriates me so much I had to take time out from being in the same room as these two incredible people in my life. I won’t name names as I know they both read my blog and I will apologise before I rant. It’s not that I don’t love you both, it’s because I do that I have to write this.
You two are perfect for each other and still you rip into each other, be cruel to each other and push one another away.
You have a beautiful baby boy who worships the ground you both walk on. The way he watches his mummy and daddy with a shimmer in his eyes, you’re both his world rolled into one but still you can’t hold it together long enough for him to see the love that you hold for each other, the love that made him.

I can’t really understand the reason you broke it off, my view was always that you wanted the attention, the attention that was all on me at the time. You were more than welcome to it, I didn’t want it and still don’t, all I wanted was to be loved enough to be fought for.
What I want now is for you to see that this guy who loves every single thing about you, flaws and all, is worth fighting for, he’s worth more than the drama that you throw at him at every stumble in the road, even if there is no reason to stumble.
How can you be so blind and not see love, the love that he has for you is worth so much more than any negative attention you bring on to yourself and on to him.

Ok he has his flaws also but those aside he truly loves you and would move a million mountains just to make you happy, to be able to hold you, to comfort you, to give you everything you desire.
Love like that, is so hard to find, so when you find it, you don’t let go, you don’t push it away and you don’t play games with it.
You take it into your heart, you hold it there, you treasure every emotion, every missed beat of your heart, every wobble of your knees when he alights you with a fire burning so intensely your scared your die if he let’s go of you.
That love is everything and you fight for it, you definitely don’t let go at the smaller or largest road bumps, you don’t give up because your mad at him, you don’t do anything but be there in each others universe, loving each other until you leave this earth and move on to what ever may be next.
You hold each other when the light switches off and you draw that very last breath.
Love isn’t a game, it isn’t a tool and it definitely isn’t insignificant, it’s everything and when you truly lose that, you’ll finally understand.
I pray that you see that light before that love breaks both your hearts.
Stop toying with it, stop destroying something so beautiful.
Put him first before your selfish ways and look, I mean really look at the pain in his eyes, but more so, the love that runs deep within his soul.
He loved you from the very second he saw you, he’s wanted you everyday since and he’s put up with your childish games, day in, day out and still he runs at your every beck and call, all because of love, true love, love that he holds for the amazing person you can be. The person he fall in love with and has put up with since the games you started playing back in Paris all those years ago.
You often ask me why I still love, why I still can’t get over Ross, it’s because the love I hold for him, isn’t something that can just disappear, it’s part of me, it’s who I am, he’s the other part of my soul and to me that is worth so much more than anything else on this god damn universe. It’s because that love is so much stronger than any other emotion I feel and I truly believe your love can be like that to, if only you would allow it.
Take a step back and look at him, looking at you, loving you.
Take him in your arms and love him back because you don’t know how lucky you both are, having the one you truly love, the one you truly are mad for, love you back.