Just one of those…..

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in many different directions?
That everyone and everything wants a piece of you?
I’m totally there right now and feel as if the world is crashing in on me.
I love to be busy, mainly to keep my mind and heart away from the torment it likes to play. If I’m busy, I have no time to think, no time to let the pain take over. My busyness is my protective armour but boy right now I feel as if I’m being pulled into three or four pieces. I’m grateful in a way but 5 minutes time out would be pretty damn welcome.

So my week, what can I say about my week?
I’m been a hard one.
Firstly, my baby girl is being bullied at school because of her heart problems. She cries her little heart out every morning and bursts into tears the minute she sees me at the end of the school day.
These bullies tongues are pure evil and if they are like this now, I dread to think once they hit mainstream school, what on earth they will be like.
I know they say a bully, is a bully, because they have their own problems and they take that out on the easiest victim, my heart goes out to them but when it comes to them hurting my daughter, I will not let them get away with it.
I wrote the harshest email I’ll ever written yesterday, telling the school that I will be moving Marly-Kate from the unsettling nasty environment until I have proof that it is safe for her to return.
Trust me, they didn’t like that one bit.

On top of that, I’ve notice that when I wake, my jaw is nearly locked and that my mouth, teeth and Jaw ache. My teeth through my medication have grown weak and while I brushed my teeth yesterday one just fall out. I was horrified and phone the dentist who managed to fit me in.
She was super lovely as I went into a nervous talkative state and rambled on about any crap that came to mind.
I’m not at all scared of the dentist or treatment, what scares me is that as soon as they touch my teeth I get an abscess and that alone terrifies me.
I was told that my teeth have grown weak due to my meds and bad health and that she will not be able touch or work on my teeth because I do not bleed easily. You need to bleed in order to heal and stop infections, so it’s now a trip to the hospital, to be knocked out and any work that needs doing to help support and strengthen them will be carried out.
I’m kind of relieved if I’m honest, but also saddened by that fact that my meds are taking the goodness away from them.
I’ve alway gone 6 monthly to see the dentist and the hygienist, I’ve always been proud of my teeth so this is a kick in the gut for sure.
It’s just a waiting game now to get seen, I hope I can stay on top of the awful pain that toothache brings.
When ever I have a little niggle of discomfort, my mind always flashbacks to when Ross and I first started our friendship/relationship. Bless him, he had the worst abscess and I remember the awful pain he was in, even back then at the very beginning all I wanted to do was take his pain away, to hold him, comfort him, still to this day I want to do that.
It’s funny how you remember those moments, the moments that are part of life and not at all exciting but they stay with you for a life time. It’s funny that even back then I was so in love him without even knowing it.

This week hasn’t all be bad, I’ve managed to get a little research done, a little work and a massive house clean.
I find that when I feel myself falling, I begin to clean, cupboards are emptied, skip bags are filled and every surface to scrubbed.
If I can’t clear my heart and mind of the emotions I feel, I empty the walls that surrounded me. At least the house feels lighter and refreshed even if my mind doesn’t.
Here’s hoping that the weekend will offer time out, rest and relaxation.
Here’s hoping.

It’s Friday

It’s been a funny old week.
After an amazing weekend where dreams came true, a funny feeling in my tummy that I haven’t felt for so very long, smiles, laughs and good times, the weekend was just damn right awesome.
Returning home on cloud nine and a new week ahead of me, I had loads to do, but ended up getting very little done.
Failing at a challenge that I had set myself, I gave up and moved on to a different one but I will not be beat on the first, I’m just having a little break from the one challenge that had me close to throwing things across the room.
I was so glad when I was given a distraction by being ask to do some research.
Omg, I had forgotten how wonderful that feeling was, when finding a tiny piece of history.
I grabbed my hard drive, and panic hit me, years, I mean years of research, long nights and days spent hunting for my history, my DNA, had almost disappeared. My heart sank and in truth tears followed.
Part of my past had gone, years of trying to find myself through census, birth, marriage and death records had disappeared from my hard drive. God damn computers I hate them some times. šŸ˜¤
I had spent my early 20’s trying to research my family history, in hopes I would find myself.
I never knew who my father was and I felt lost in that knowledge. I always felt different to my sister and brother and I had an overwhelming need to somehow fit in.
Years of research gave me something that I can not explain, the knowledge of knowing, names, places, jobs, births, marriages even the deaths, gave me a connection that I had never truly felt. No one else in my family knew the ins and outs of our history and I know an incredible amount. I even managed to memorize a lot of it, which if you know me, you’ll know that, that doesn’t come easy to me.
Anyway back to it, hours and hours later, I managed to pull a lot of information back, and I once again began to delve into my history and boy, haven’t I had fun.
I’ve even made a start on my blood dads side which I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. And even though, its extremely testing and a maze of roads travelled, it’s intoxicating.
What makes it even better, I’ve even managed to get an app that syncs everything, so while I sit wired to a machine, I can get lost in the history of life.
So my week has been full of extreme highs and gut wrenching lows but still a smile is firmly in place and I’m happy with life and the joys that it can bring.
I know that we need the bad days to make the good days even brighter and that also, the heart may not heal but still the hands of time keep ticking and life has to go on, we all have to make our own history and as I type away, I’m doing that and that makes me kind of proud.
I haven’t won the war of heartbreak but I refuse to let it take me any deeper or darker, I’m holding on with all I have and there is a glimmer of light somewhere out there and that’s all I need right now to keep me from letting go.
After all if you’re not living just a little, then you’re not making memories and in turn making history.

Flashback Friday

It’s Friday and I’m more than thankful that this week is coming to an end.
I’ve had the mother of all headaches all week, well nearly two weeks now. šŸ¤•
Even sitting with candle light, my eyes stream and ache like I’ve never experienced before. The pain has driven me to bed at my earliest convenience because darkness seems to be the only thing that could help, morphine just didn’t touch it.

It’s been a hard trying week with my baby girls op and my great-aunt being rushed to hospital which heartbreakingly has the worst outcome.
We now have to play the waiting game. Bless her though, she’s had good innings, she turned 91 this week. She’s had a full life, a kind heart and she spent her life with her childhood sweetheart. I’m sure she will pass a happy lady.
It’s just so heart wrenching for the rest of us.
Marly-Kate is proving that once again she is a fighter and doing so well after her surgery, she’s still smiling, laughing and enjoying all the attention she gets none stop. Bless her cotton socks, she sure is a trooper.
I’m so hoping that this will help her have a normal life and that she won’t have to have open heart surgery. Please keep your fingers crossed for her.
Work just hasn’t happened this week but while sitting at the hospital for hours on end. I did manage to complete an afghan that I have been working on and in all honesty I’m proud as punch at the finish project. I think I’m going to gift it to my great-aunt so she has a little comfort in her final days. šŸŽ


All in all, it’s been a hard week and rest for both Marly-Kate and I sounds like a good plan.
I’ve been missing a certain someone more than ever this week, wishing he could be here with me, letting me know all will be ok, like he use to.
God damn it, I should be over him by now, why aren’t I ? I guess it’s because true love doesn’t fade. It’s forever.

So anyway it’s Friday and that means one thing – it’s flashback time again (sorry I missed last week)
I’m not sure if I have flashed back the post I’m about to share but after the week Marly-Kate and I have had, it just seems fitting.
So here you have it.
Flashback Friday gives you………..

Marly-Kate ā¤ļø

Having a child with health problems is heart crushing. All you want is for them to be as healthy as they can be, for their cheeks to glow and as they grow for them to run and play the same as the other children.
Sadly my baby girl will never have the joy of running freely, taking part in sports day or having a good nights sleep, you see my princess was born ten weeks early and this led to multiple health issues, the biggest being her heart.
Marly-Kate was born with a hole in her heart, failing heart veils, mixed apnea, which is a sleeping disorder, which has caused the most distressing times. She also has a condition called stridor.
So you see life for her is always a battle.
Iā€™m guessing even one of these conditions alone is a challenge, poor Marly-Kate battles to breath with every intake of air into her lungs.
She truly is a trooper an adorable one at that.
Apnea can be fatal in a child. As her breathing stops, the oxygen levels in her blood fall and the levels of carbon dioxide increase. She could suffer a severe drop in heart rate, which is called bradycardia.
Children who have had more than one episode in which they stops breathing are more likely to have long-term complications or die unexpectedly.
So Iā€™m sure you can imagine how stressful nights have been and still are.
Her heart would stop a good few times a night, as her mummy, it is terrifying to say the least.
Every time her alarms blasted out into the still of the night, I am never sure if that was it, would I be able to start her heart beating again, and on the real bad nights as I sat and held her in my arms as I watched her lips and fingers turn blue as she gasped for her breath.
Fear like I had never felt before was imbedded into me.
To watch your flesh and blood fighting with all her might to just receive her next breath knowing you can not do anything but hold her and pray she makes it through the night.
And every morning when she awakes I know that she has fought for all her worth to still be here and the smile she gives is a beautiful heart warming gift but you know that when nighttime falls and she kisses me goodnight and holds her hands out to the photo of Ross by her cot, saying the words Iā€™m dying for him to hear and she kisses him good night as she has done for as long as I can remember now, dread runs through me at the struggle she will be fighting as the rest of the world sleeps and I pray that I will get to see her smile once again.