Three little things.

Three little things you may not know about me.

1• I use to believe that answers could be found in a bottom of a bottle.
Now I learnt/believe that not every question is answerable.

2• I’ve spent my life believing that I’m just not good enough, that I will never will be.
Now I can see that no one is perfect and that’s ok, that none perfect is actually perfect. That Perfection is in our little quirks.

3• I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that, we humans are all, one soul inhabiting two bodies and that you can only truly, fully be complete on finding the missing part of you!

No need to grumble

Life with all its twists and turns rushes forward leaving you wondering where the year has gone.
I can’t believe we are half way through November already.
Is it the fact I’m growing older that time moves faster than before or is it that life is a rat race, were modern living is always on fast forward and constantly busy?
I took a week out last week, a week at my Mum and dads farm, life even though manic always seems calmer at the Farm, I don’t really know why as my dad never seems to stop and his list of jobs to do never lessens, only grows.
As Marly-Kate undergoes the best education, learning the land, old farming traditions while covered head to toe in mud, soaked from the rain and chilled to the bone, she’s delightfully happy spending every waking moment by her granddads side.
Life is stress free, a total breath of fresh air, it’s a shame that we had to return to the four walls we hope one day to call home.
It’s not that we don’t like where we live, we are surrounded by fields, a few neighbors whom mainly seem to be friendly. 8 miles to one side of the helmet we have a gorgeous city, with the most enchanting cathedral, a miss match of cobbled streets and cute shops along with all the big shops most people don’t seem to be able to live without, in the other direction a small town with a park and river that Marly-Kate loves playing to her heart’s content in. A train ride to my home town Brighton, where we can get a fix of the sea air and visit all our friends who are our extended family.
The only trouble with being back in these four walls is, everyday stresses that comes with running a family home, school meetings to hopefully get Marly-Kate back in school or even move her to a different school and of course all those Hospital appointments that I dread.
In truth though, I’ve felt quite well the last week or so, be it from the lack of stress or for what ever reason, it’s been bliss.
All in all, life is ticking by nicely, I have no reason to grumble, even my favourite show is back on tv so I can snuggle under a blanket with a hot chocolate and day-dream about how extremely hot the main character is and how life would have been living all those centuries ago.
Of course my heart still aches more than I wish it would, but I’m putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with life the best I can.
Life is far from where I wish it was but I’m surviving and making the most of the time I have with the people I hold dear.

Just one of those…..

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in many different directions?
That everyone and everything wants a piece of you?
I’m totally there right now and feel as if the world is crashing in on me.
I love to be busy, mainly to keep my mind and heart away from the torment it likes to play. If I’m busy, I have no time to think, no time to let the pain take over. My busyness is my protective armour but boy right now I feel as if I’m being pulled into three or four pieces. I’m grateful in a way but 5 minutes time out would be pretty damn welcome.

So my week, what can I say about my week?
I’m been a hard one.
Firstly, my baby girl is being bullied at school because of her heart problems. She cries her little heart out every morning and bursts into tears the minute she sees me at the end of the school day.
These bullies tongues are pure evil and if they are like this now, I dread to think once they hit mainstream school, what on earth they will be like.
I know they say a bully, is a bully, because they have their own problems and they take that out on the easiest victim, my heart goes out to them but when it comes to them hurting my daughter, I will not let them get away with it.
I wrote the harshest email I’ll ever written yesterday, telling the school that I will be moving Marly-Kate from the unsettling nasty environment until I have proof that it is safe for her to return.
Trust me, they didn’t like that one bit.

On top of that, I’ve notice that when I wake, my jaw is nearly locked and that my mouth, teeth and Jaw ache. My teeth through my medication have grown weak and while I brushed my teeth yesterday one just fall out. I was horrified and phone the dentist who managed to fit me in.
She was super lovely as I went into a nervous talkative state and rambled on about any crap that came to mind.
I’m not at all scared of the dentist or treatment, what scares me is that as soon as they touch my teeth I get an abscess and that alone terrifies me.
I was told that my teeth have grown weak due to my meds and bad health and that she will not be able touch or work on my teeth because I do not bleed easily. You need to bleed in order to heal and stop infections, so it’s now a trip to the hospital, to be knocked out and any work that needs doing to help support and strengthen them will be carried out.
I’m kind of relieved if I’m honest, but also saddened by that fact that my meds are taking the goodness away from them.
I’ve alway gone 6 monthly to see the dentist and the hygienist, I’ve always been proud of my teeth so this is a kick in the gut for sure.
It’s just a waiting game now to get seen, I hope I can stay on top of the awful pain that toothache brings.
When ever I have a little niggle of discomfort, my mind always flashbacks to when Ross and I first started our friendship/relationship. Bless him, he had the worst abscess and I remember the awful pain he was in, even back then at the very beginning all I wanted to do was take his pain away, to hold him, comfort him, still to this day I want to do that.
It’s funny how you remember those moments, the moments that are part of life and not at all exciting but they stay with you for a life time. It’s funny that even back then I was so in love him without even knowing it.

This week hasn’t all be bad, I’ve managed to get a little research done, a little work and a massive house clean.
I find that when I feel myself falling, I begin to clean, cupboards are emptied, skip bags are filled and every surface to scrubbed.
If I can’t clear my heart and mind of the emotions I feel, I empty the walls that surrounded me. At least the house feels lighter and refreshed even if my mind doesn’t.
Here’s hoping that the weekend will offer time out, rest and relaxation.
Here’s hoping.
🌹🌹🌹

What can I say….

My week, well what can I say about my week.
It’s been busy.
That seems to be the norm at the moment, I’m so needing me time, so me being me, I packed bags, jumped in Rich’s van, puppy in the back, Marly-Kate safely in her car seat next to me and we hit the road.
The moors ahead of us, the autumn sun shining, freedom awaited.
We stopped as soon as we hit the moors and did our norm, of shouting our worries away, them traveling in the breeze, giving us freedom of mind as well as spirit.
That really has to be one of my favourite things about our road trips, add in that good old English fry up, bubbling brook, roaring fire and warming our cold hands on the Rayburn. You could almost call it, “Coming home.” (How I long to feel that feeling)
Marley-Kate is definitely at her happiest and of course having a few days school free, gives her a new lease of life.
She’s been poorly for a few weeks now, and as the cold weather creeps in, so do the chest infections, and nights of stress as her breathing becomes more difficult.
Somehow the moors seem to have healing powers and finds energy she has no where else.
She is at home here, free and even more beautiful than normal, even if she is knee-deep in mud, straw and cow dung. She loves every moment of it.
As for me……
Exhaustion has set in this week, making every task so much harder, my lists of jobs, seem to grow as I try desperately to tick off daily jobs, stay on top of work, and just find time to do all the things that life demands.
A few days out, is definitely what’s needed, hook and yarn at the ready, I’m determined to find my own freedom, while I do the things that bring me peace and a sense of worth.
Life seems to have a way of getting stuck in a rut, days just blend into one another as the daily household tasks never seem to end.
I swear my cousin has lost his function to tidy up after himself, and sees me as his little slave. I don’t mind really, that boy works so hard. He does worry me though, he hasn’t totally bounced back since his accident and is really withdrawn from the world. Maybe it’s just him becoming an adult and working out that life has many battles, and who stays along for the ride, is very different to what your once young mind imagined it would be.
Growing up sucks, it really does, but the lessons learnt while finding adulthood are some of the hardest to learn. He will get there, and make us all proud as he already does.
So all in all, life is just ticking along, no dramas, which is always a blessing and lots to look forward to, great friends and lots to occupy my mind which always manages to keep me thinking to deeply, reminding me of the pain that I have pushed deep within, somehow it doesn’t want to stay there, it always manages to creep through the smile I try so hard to wear, it creeps in, within seconds of waking and holds its own as I try my up most to wear that smile, that everyone expects me to wear.
The problem is, no matter how good life can be, that emptiness, those feelings, the devastation, the love I feel, the longing, the heartbreak and the grief doesn’t ease not even for a second, I’ve just got kind of good at hiding it.
But let’s not go there!
Let’s enjoy the freedom that Friday brings.

Have an awesome one, enjoy the sunshine, sing loud and badly, and dance as if no one is watching.

🌹

Missing piece of the puzzle

Some times in life we all need a little help, be it with life skills, cooking, learning or love. The main thing is that we shouldn’t be scared to ask for it.
That’s what I’m doing right now.

If you have been keeping up with this blog, you’ll know that I’ve been asked to research someone’s family history, well that’s where I need a little help.
It’s not that I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing, I do, I ran my own research business back in the day and have researched a fair amount of trees.
It’s like s drug, when you start you can not walk away without being dragged.
It’s an addiction for sure.
Anyway, I’m doing pretty well, I’ve got back to the 1500’s on one line and smashed the others, it’s looking good if I do say so myself. (we all deserve a little self praise every now and then)
One line is proving to be a headache and if you know anything about family research the one word will explain why.
Ireland 🇮🇪

So we have this Irish family who packed up their life’s, their homes and everything they’ve known. They left the potato famine behind them.
One travelled much further than the rest and headed of to the states.
Can you imagine the fear, the excitement, he must have been feeling, what an adventure he was on.
Why he decided to travel so far, we will never know. Why he returned back to the UK, I have a better understanding of, bless his heart, he had definitely lived through it.

At present I can not find a ship log or an documents confirming his move to the states, Canada was his port of call. While he was there, I know he married and had two boys, who I know joined the forces and fort in the Second World War which took both their lives. They died alone, in a foreign country which was a stranger to them. Their body’s were laid to rest in foreign soul. (That’s kind of heartbreaking)
Their mother died and their father returned to England and he went on to marry and live a full happy life.

So this is where I need a little help.
With all the documents I can access, I can’t look into the American/Canadian records.😩
Well I can but I would need a lotto win to be able to.
So can you gorgeous Americans get to records easily without costing the earth?
Would any of my American friends, like to give me an hour of their precious time and have a look to see if they can find anything, which may open up a new lead???
I know it’s a lot to ask, but trust me I wouldn’t be asking if I really didn’t need the help.
My mind races with the unknown and it’s driving me mad, I need to know what happened to this Irish gent who had his life torn apart, who lost the love of his life and his family.
He went through so much and his life story is lost.
I have this overpowering need to find it.
If you are interested at all in helping me patch this beautiful heartbreaking story together, please get in touch, I’ll be eternally grateful to you.

Update – while watching Rich in the Great North run yesterday I finally managed to find his ship log back to the UK. My excitement was a tad full on, lol 😂 but boy wasn’t I more than a little chuffed.
Can wait to find time to see what doors that opens.

Flashback Friday

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a flashback Friday but with the funny old week I’ve had I have to share the below post.
It’s one of my first ever blog entries and a happy one.

This week has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, smiles, frown, tears and joy.
In all honesty it’s been emotionally hard.
Watching my daughter break her heart, morning after morning as I leave her at school, it is incredibly hard.
The first day, I found it impossible to leave her, her heart was breaking as tears fall, her breathing changed as she got herself more and more into a state which she wasn’t coming back from. It’s every mothers nightmare.
How I wish she loved school, how I wish she would go off skipping and full of sunshine that normally is in full swing.
It’s not the fact that she hates to learn or even finds it difficult, she loves to learn, we spend hours, upon hours watching documentaries, reading books, sitting in the library, strolling the internet, learning about anything and everything, she truly loves knowledge.
So what is it that makes her scared of her own shadow, when we enter those school gates?
Should I home school?
Do I have the knowledge and understanding to give her everything she needs to be the best she is capable of being?
I don’t want to hold her back, I want her to be happy and conquer the world the best way she can.
Where would I even start, when it comes to home schooling?

On top of that, I’m in a middle of a flare that has me absolutely exhausted, fighting every minute to stay awake, add to that, a dear friend of mine is struggling and all I want to do is make it better. I feel so very useless, I wish I had the right words, anything to make it better, I don’t and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
The last month, I’ve been to two funerals of victims of depression, that sadly they couldn’t find the strength to hold on and fight to see a glimpse of hope. It’s so very sad, to know these two beautiful young souls, felt so alone in the world that they couldn’t share their troubles, their emotions and their fears.
One thought a rope was the answer, the other a cocktail of pills. Even though they are at peace, they have left a massive hole in people’s life, they’ve left despair, numbness, guilt and broken hearts behind them.
It really is soul wreaking but I understand their pain, their darkness, I’ve been there more than once, more times than I wish to count, I tried, I failed and failed again.
I just wish that when people are so low, when they can not see any other way out, that they could just open up a little, trust a little and hope a little.
Life can change in a blink of an eye, happiness can warm, love can intoxicate and life can be magical.
The dark days, are to show you how wonderful the good days are and even though it’s a cruel way of showing us all what life is about, the great days, the heart skipping moments are a trillion times worth the blackest moments.
With that said I will leave you with a walk down memory land and give you this weeks flashback….. Turning tables.
Have a great weekend, find that smile, dance in the rain, free your soul of its worries and sing as badly as possible, enjoy those little moments.

🌹🌹🌹

Funny how life twists and turns.
Living through the highs and lows can be exhausting at times, but I have now learnt that the highs are so worth the lows and when excitement and joy take over your day, everything is beautiful, full of colour and wonder and that light at the end of the tunnel is in my hands glowing brightly.
I don’t know what to call this feeling but I know why and who has given my this incredible happiness.
Why I see life as a gift instead of a battle.
It all started with a new friendship that grow into something so special no other can compare. That friendship then fall into love, an over powering love that takes over my world and gives me the energy to flight any darkness that try’s to destroy my light.
With this love, I have learnt to see the goodness and the light that surrounds me.
Life now is worth living, it’s a blessing and an adventure that I wish to share with my soul mate, the guy who changed my life for the better.
Who gave me strength and hope. He gave me life and I’m finally living

Pinch and a punch

Pinch, punch, first day of the month, no return.
I can’t believe we are in September already, this year is definitely on fast forward. We will soon be thinking about the dreaded word Christmas. 🎄
It’s been feeling very autumnal the last few days, I even lit my first fire yesterday and put the heating on. What’s that all about, we haven’t really had a summer and it’s rained nearly the whole summer holidays.
Talking of holidays, Marly-Kate is on a little jolly in Spain with her grandad and boy I hate, hate, hate not having her with me. She’s having a blast though so it’s all good really.
I have discovered how much work I can get done when I’m all on my lonesome. I’m up to date with work, I’ve even made a few projects that I can give to the boss that hopefully he will like and maybe he will be nice and give me a juicy bonus, lol, who am I kidding. 😂
It really is surprising how much I’ve managed to get done this week, even at hospital visits. I’ve even managed to make my sister’s birthday pressie and blitz the house. We got out with the cameras for Milky Way shoots but you know what I’ve hated every second, I would rather be occupying Marly-Kate. I can’t wait until she is home, snoring away in her bed.
All in all, life is pretty good, I’m happy and content with life. A lotto win would be nice tho.💰
I’ve been looking over my goal lists that I set myself at the beginning of the year and on the craft side, I’m doing pretty well, the home goals on the other hand, have flown out the window, I think I will blame Brett and Rich for that, lol, they like chatting, beer and bbq 🍗 more than they like working. To be totally honest I don’t mind in the slightest, they make life fun.
Over the last few years, just living has been a struggle so any small task, goal that I have mastered is a great achievement and I’m happy with where I am now and even through the pain, the darkest of days and horror filled nights, I’m still standing and fighting, that is an achievement all on its own.
I’m filling my days with the people I love, doing the things I enjoy, I’m even researching again, and that gives me a sense of purpose. I have to admit I kind of like that feeling.
I can’t say I’m as happy as I once was, but I can definitely say I’m learning to live again. I’m testing myself constantly and enjoying the challenge. I’m doing ok.👌🏻

So it’s Friday and that means it’s time for a trip down memory lane, today though I can’t look back, I can’t let myself remember so I’m sorry guys, I’ll get back to it next week and hopefully I will find time this week to put some much-needed time into this blog, I have so many ideas, so much I want to blog about but times hasn’t allowed of late, and that gets to me. I love this space, the freedom of a blank page, where I can pour out my heart and my emotions.
Anyway I best get moving and get my day moving.
Have an awesome one, stay safe, stay happy, stay true.

🌹🌹🌹

It’s Friday

It’s been a funny old week.
After an amazing weekend where dreams came true, a funny feeling in my tummy that I haven’t felt for so very long, smiles, laughs and good times, the weekend was just damn right awesome.
Returning home on cloud nine and a new week ahead of me, I had loads to do, but ended up getting very little done.
Failing at a challenge that I had set myself, I gave up and moved on to a different one but I will not be beat on the first, I’m just having a little break from the one challenge that had me close to throwing things across the room.
I was so glad when I was given a distraction by being ask to do some research.
Omg, I had forgotten how wonderful that feeling was, when finding a tiny piece of history.
I grabbed my hard drive, and panic hit me, years, I mean years of research, long nights and days spent hunting for my history, my DNA, had almost disappeared. My heart sank and in truth tears followed.
Part of my past had gone, years of trying to find myself through census, birth, marriage and death records had disappeared from my hard drive. God damn computers I hate them some times. 😤
I had spent my early 20’s trying to research my family history, in hopes I would find myself.
I never knew who my father was and I felt lost in that knowledge. I always felt different to my sister and brother and I had an overwhelming need to somehow fit in.
Years of research gave me something that I can not explain, the knowledge of knowing, names, places, jobs, births, marriages even the deaths, gave me a connection that I had never truly felt. No one else in my family knew the ins and outs of our history and I know an incredible amount. I even managed to memorize a lot of it, which if you know me, you’ll know that, that doesn’t come easy to me.
Anyway back to it, hours and hours later, I managed to pull a lot of information back, and I once again began to delve into my history and boy, haven’t I had fun.
I’ve even made a start on my blood dads side which I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. And even though, its extremely testing and a maze of roads travelled, it’s intoxicating.
What makes it even better, I’ve even managed to get an app that syncs everything, so while I sit wired to a machine, I can get lost in the history of life.
So my week has been full of extreme highs and gut wrenching lows but still a smile is firmly in place and I’m happy with life and the joys that it can bring.
I know that we need the bad days to make the good days even brighter and that also, the heart may not heal but still the hands of time keep ticking and life has to go on, we all have to make our own history and as I type away, I’m doing that and that makes me kind of proud.
I haven’t won the war of heartbreak but I refuse to let it take me any deeper or darker, I’m holding on with all I have and there is a glimmer of light somewhere out there and that’s all I need right now to keep me from letting go.
After all if you’re not living just a little, then you’re not making memories and in turn making history.

The morning after……

img_4218When life has you by the balls, pulling you to your knees.
When love has shattered your heart into a trillion unfixable pieces.
When the sky’s are dark and the days are as black as the moonless nights.
When all hope has wilted and there just isn’t an end in sight.
When life no longer holds a meaning and you’ve no energy left to fight.
Then your eyes have no sparkle and you soul is torn apart.
Look deep within your heart and see that somewhere, someone is out there ready to help you fight, comfort you, listen and remind you that it will be alright.
I’ve been here and somehow I survived, I really don’t know how but I did.
You can to.

I found the below article by the very talent Meggie Royer, over a month ago and have had it open on my iPad ever since.
It touched my soul in many different ways.
And even though it’s sad, it’s also beautiful in its own right, (Maggie is one talented writer) so much so I have to share it and hope that it can give a little peace to someone who is struggling, someone who is surrounded by darkness and is lost without the light, someone who is lonely, someone who is drowning in heartache.
I know it’s the hardest thing on earth to lift yourself out of the black hole you have fallen in, the climb will be extremely difficult, but with every step forward the darkness gains different shades of black to grey and the light will slowly but surely filter through.
You can make it out and in time you will want to, you will want to see the beauty of the morning frost, the sunlight dancing on the walls, the roar of the ocean, the dew on the spring grasses, who have also been fighting their own battles to see the warming glow of the sun, to come alive once more.
Life is so delightful in so many ways, you just have to re-train your mind to focus on the beauty instead of the pain. It will NOT be easy, I’m certain of that because I’m still claiming to find not just the light, but to find myself once again and even though I will be different, I will be stronger also and I will be able to see the magic of the light again…….

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass.

I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two-year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few day lilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her, her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping-stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

By Meggie Royer.
http://persephonesdaughters.tk

Pinch, punch

img_4216Pinch, punch, first day of the month, no return. 😝

White rabbit, white rabbit, white rabbit. 🐰🐰🐰

Wow, where the hell did January go???
It’s the 1st of February and I feel like I’ve achieved, jack diddly squat.
Is it because I’m getting older that the months just seem to fly by and days blend into the other?

So January was a strange month, one of high hopes, goals, and positive energy, well that was the plan anyway and in truth I was doing ok, I’m happy and have a mind-set that I’m trying my up most to stick to, it the other elements that just want to rock the boat and make the sea stormy.

So I made a few lists, I kind of like lists at the moment, with brain fog most of the time, they really help me to remember what needs to be done, what I would like to get done and what I dream to get done, and I’ve already ticked one goal of my goals list and half way through another, also I’ve started one of the, house to home goals so maybe January really wasn’t as slack as I thought.
It was though full of numbers and data for the dreaded tax man 🤑, that’s the worst thing about January, tax returns and a whopping great big tax bill to pay. 💰I really don’t like handing my hard-earned money to him, I worked bloody hard for it and twice a year he takes it away, never to be seen again. 😩
Lots of time has been spent at the hospital between myself, Marly-Kate and my baby cousin but that’s just part of our life’s now and kind of use to being poked, prodded and stabbed with needles. It’s funny how these things just become the norm.

Emotionally I’m not in a bad place, I get up and get on and keep myself as busy as I can so I don’t have to think, it’s really working for me, ok, ok, I have my moments, more so when a random song comes on, or I hear a name that I wasn’t expecting to hear but you know what, I pull myself up with every bit of strength I have in me and I get on, I just don’t allow myself to think or more importantly feel, which I know deep down isn’t the answer or the right way to deal or cope but it’s the best I can do.

Marly-Kate, now she is always a delight, a ray of sunshine and a true pillar of strength, she’s pretty damn amazing.
She’s doing great at school even though she hates it with a passion and we have tears every morning, which breaks my heart, I just don’t know how I can make it better for her and that has to be one of the hardest things to deal with, I just want to make everything better for her and see her beautiful smile, instead of tears and her fears.
She made her first horse jump at the weekend and I’m so flipping proud, well when I got over the fear of what my sister had made her do.
I know I can’t wrap her in cotton wool, I can’t let my own fears for her safety stop her from trying new things but it’s hard, it’s really hard.
I just want to keep her safe from harm but she has to live, she has to learn and she has to make the most important thing in life, memories.
Life is all about making memories.

Pretty much all is well in our little house, in the middle of nowhere.
Until next time, stay safe, stay strong, stay motivated and smile.
Toodaloo me old muckers.