Flashback Friday

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a flashback Friday but with the funny old week I’ve had I have to share the below post.
It’s one of my first ever blog entries and a happy one.

This week has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, smiles, frown, tears and joy.
In all honesty it’s been emotionally hard.
Watching my daughter break her heart, morning after morning as I leave her at school, it is incredibly hard.
The first day, I found it impossible to leave her, her heart was breaking as tears fall, her breathing changed as she got herself more and more into a state which she wasn’t coming back from. It’s every mothers nightmare.
How I wish she loved school, how I wish she would go off skipping and full of sunshine that normally is in full swing.
It’s not the fact that she hates to learn or even finds it difficult, she loves to learn, we spend hours, upon hours watching documentaries, reading books, sitting in the library, strolling the internet, learning about anything and everything, she truly loves knowledge.
So what is it that makes her scared of her own shadow, when we enter those school gates?
Should I home school?
Do I have the knowledge and understanding to give her everything she needs to be the best she is capable of being?
I don’t want to hold her back, I want her to be happy and conquer the world the best way she can.
Where would I even start, when it comes to home schooling?

On top of that, I’m in a middle of a flare that has me absolutely exhausted, fighting every minute to stay awake, add to that, a dear friend of mine is struggling and all I want to do is make it better. I feel so very useless, I wish I had the right words, anything to make it better, I don’t and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
The last month, I’ve been to two funerals of victims of depression, that sadly they couldn’t find the strength to hold on and fight to see a glimpse of hope. It’s so very sad, to know these two beautiful young souls, felt so alone in the world that they couldn’t share their troubles, their emotions and their fears.
One thought a rope was the answer, the other a cocktail of pills. Even though they are at peace, they have left a massive hole in people’s life, they’ve left despair, numbness, guilt and broken hearts behind them.
It really is soul wreaking but I understand their pain, their darkness, I’ve been there more than once, more times than I wish to count, I tried, I failed and failed again.
I just wish that when people are so low, when they can not see any other way out, that they could just open up a little, trust a little and hope a little.
Life can change in a blink of an eye, happiness can warm, love can intoxicate and life can be magical.
The dark days, are to show you how wonderful the good days are and even though it’s a cruel way of showing us all what life is about, the great days, the heart skipping moments are a trillion times worth the blackest moments.
With that said I will leave you with a walk down memory land and give you this weeks flashback….. Turning tables.
Have a great weekend, find that smile, dance in the rain, free your soul of its worries and sing as badly as possible, enjoy those little moments.

🌹🌹🌹

Funny how life twists and turns.
Living through the highs and lows can be exhausting at times, but I have now learnt that the highs are so worth the lows and when excitement and joy take over your day, everything is beautiful, full of colour and wonder and that light at the end of the tunnel is in my hands glowing brightly.
I don’t know what to call this feeling but I know why and who has given my this incredible happiness.
Why I see life as a gift instead of a battle.
It all started with a new friendship that grow into something so special no other can compare. That friendship then fall into love, an over powering love that takes over my world and gives me the energy to flight any darkness that try’s to destroy my light.
With this love, I have learnt to see the goodness and the light that surrounds me.
Life now is worth living, it’s a blessing and an adventure that I wish to share with my soul mate, the guy who changed my life for the better.
Who gave me strength and hope. He gave me life and I’m finally living

The morning after……

img_4218When life has you by the balls, pulling you to your knees.
When love has shattered your heart into a trillion unfixable pieces.
When the sky’s are dark and the days are as black as the moonless nights.
When all hope has wilted and there just isn’t an end in sight.
When life no longer holds a meaning and you’ve no energy left to fight.
Then your eyes have no sparkle and you soul is torn apart.
Look deep within your heart and see that somewhere, someone is out there ready to help you fight, comfort you, listen and remind you that it will be alright.
I’ve been here and somehow I survived, I really don’t know how but I did.
You can to.

I found the below article by the very talent Meggie Royer, over a month ago and have had it open on my iPad ever since.
It touched my soul in many different ways.
And even though it’s sad, it’s also beautiful in its own right, (Maggie is one talented writer) so much so I have to share it and hope that it can give a little peace to someone who is struggling, someone who is surrounded by darkness and is lost without the light, someone who is lonely, someone who is drowning in heartache.
I know it’s the hardest thing on earth to lift yourself out of the black hole you have fallen in, the climb will be extremely difficult, but with every step forward the darkness gains different shades of black to grey and the light will slowly but surely filter through.
You can make it out and in time you will want to, you will want to see the beauty of the morning frost, the sunlight dancing on the walls, the roar of the ocean, the dew on the spring grasses, who have also been fighting their own battles to see the warming glow of the sun, to come alive once more.
Life is so delightful in so many ways, you just have to re-train your mind to focus on the beauty instead of the pain. It will NOT be easy, I’m certain of that because I’m still claiming to find not just the light, but to find myself once again and even though I will be different, I will be stronger also and I will be able to see the magic of the light again…….

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass.

I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two-year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few day lilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her, her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping-stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

By Meggie Royer.
http://persephonesdaughters.tk

Like water

The most prolific experience is not in achieving something, but in seeking it.
It is the journey towards an endless horizon that matters….goals that move forward with you as you chase them. It’s all about the pursuit and what you learn along the way, the moving.
The most important reason for moving from one place to another is to see what’s in between. In between is where passions are realized, love is found, strength is gained, and memories are made. You can’t get any of that without firsthand living.

Life is a series of natural and continuous changes….everything is a moving target. What’s truly important is to embrace these changes as they happen. To let life’s happenings flow naturally forward, and to swim proficiently with the current. Your body, after all, is over 60% water.
Learn to flow like the water that’s already a major part of who you are.
Water never resists.
Water’s strength is in its patience, persistence and adaptability. It can’t stop everything that’s thrown at it, but it always goes around obstacles and through them.
Very few things in the end can reliably stand against it. In time, even a small, slow, steady drip can wear away the face of a massive bolder.
So keep this in mind always as you deal with life’s ever-changing obstacles.
Practice your patience and persistence and remember what you’re made of.
Like water, if you can’t go through an obstacle, flow around it.

Like it or not

imageA bad day is just a bad day. They come and go. Choose not to make it anything more. Don’t clamp shackles to your own ankles, tomorrow is a new day and holds endless possibilities. It’s just a matter of dropping the layers of nonsense that are weighing you down.
Behind every beautiful day, there has been some kind of struggle.
You fall,
you rise,
you make mistakes,
you live,
you learn.
You’re human, not perfect.
Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive today.. to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love.
Of course there will be sadness in your journey, but there is also lots of beauty. You must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when it hurts because like it or not, this right here is your life, your empty pages to fill with your own advantages, your own feelings, and your own memories.
Isn’t that what life’s all about?
Making the most amazing, breathtaking, beautiful memories.

You are just beginning

imageWe must hold tightly to our core values while at the same time opening our hearts and mind to new ideas, feelings and experiences.
Your own perspective will become clearer when you look at things from different angles. Find ways to provide a healthy challenge to your current understanding of life, and you will discover and experience far more of life’s magic in the days ahead.
As long as you are breathing, you are just beginning.

The things

imageThe things no one else is doing.
The things that frighten you.
The things others can’t do for you.
The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward.
The things that define you.

Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living… between knowing the path and walking the path… between a life of defeat and a life filled with happiness and success.
Adversity is an inevitability, and it’s much like walking in to a turbulent windstorm. As you fight to push through it, you not only gain strength, but it tears away from you all but the essential parts of you that cannot be torn.
Once you come out of the storm you see yourself as you really are in raw form, still holding the passions and values that move you, and little else.
These are the lusts that matter.. the inner love and vows that define you.
It is this kind of love that drives you forward and even when the going gets tough. It is this kind of love that strengthens the mind, body and soul.

Fire in our hearts

imageWhen writing the story of your life, don’t let someone else hold the pen.
Make conscious choices every day that align your actions with your values and dreams. Because the way you live each day is a sentence in the story of your life.
Each day you make a choice as to whether the sentence ends with a period, a question mark, or an exclamation point.
Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams. Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to remember years from now. Make decisions and act on them.
Make mistakes, fall and try again. Even if you fall a thousand times, at least you won’t have to wonder what could have been. At least you will know in your heart that you gave your dreams your best shot.
Each of us has a fire in our hearts burning for something. It’s our responsibility in life to find it and keep it lit.
This is your life, and it’s a short one.
Don’t let others extinguish your flame. Try what you want to try. Go where you want to go. Dream with your eyes open until you know exactly what it looks like. Then do at least one thing every day to make it a reality.
And as you strive to achieve your goals, you can count on there being some fairly substantial disappointments along the way. Don’t get discouraged, the road to your dreams may not be an easy one. Think of these disappointments as challenges.. tests of persistence and courage.
At the end of the road, more often than not, we regret what we didn’t do far more than what we did.

Your story

imageHow have you written your story so far?
Have you put your thoughts and words to positive use?
Did you create your own happiness or lost your purpose through the way of living somebody else’s happy life?
There will be a distinct few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something.. something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and seems completely crazy to others.
When this happens, sit quietly and listen to your intuition.
Let your instincts take over and ignore everything else.
Ignore what you’re “supposed” to do, ignore the odds, ignore what everyone else wants you to do, and just go for it.
If you don’t risk anything in life ..you risk everything.
And you can’t always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you must dare to jump.
Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Twenty seconds of uncomfortable bravery.

Edge of the unknown

imageEverything changes and it can change in just a second.
Respect your life…
Appreciate your life…
People and situations are coming and going all the time, you are just waiting at the same station for the biggest play of your life.
Be productive and patient. Realise that patience is not about waiting, but the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard for what you believe in.
This is your life, and it is made up entirely of your choices. And if life only teaches you one thing, let it be that taking a passionate leap is always worth it.
Even if you have no idea where you’re going to land, be brave enough to step up to the edge of the unknown, and listen to your heart.