Pushing down

That moment when you are sat watching something on tv, your content and in a chilled good mood and out of no where you just burst into tears and you just can’t stop crying.

I guess it shows that no matter how much you pushing down the pain, the hurt and the loss, it hasn’t gone away and without warning it bursts and over flows, for no reason, nothing triggers it, it just explodes.

Time does not heal

imageHow can I not blame and hate my self for everything that’s happened.
I know I didn’t know that I was poorly and that my body was/is destroying all the healthy cells in turn slowly shutting down.
But how do I learn to cope with the fact that I was so blinded by love that I didn’t notice I was poorly.
I don’t know how to live with the guilt I feel everyday.
Everyday at that hospital I’m reminded of the pain, the heartbreak, the devastation.
No amount of tears can ever wash away the pain and heartache I feel.
Time does not heal but only makes the pain more overwhelming more devastating.
All I know is that life goes on, days rolling into nights, and somehow I have to get by even with the gaping hole that is left in my heart.

Like the seasons

image1st of October is here but the sun is shining and it’s feeling a little like spring.
As like the seasons, character and wisdom are sculpted over time. They come with loss, lessons, and triumphs. They come after doubts, second guesses, and exploring unknowns. If there was a definitive path to happiness and success, everyone would be on it.
The seeds of your progress are planted in your past failures.
Your best stories will come from overcoming your greatest struggles. Your praises will be birthed from your pains. So keep standing, keep learning, and keep living.

The edge

imageThe mind plays games with you and those thoughts are just too much to deal with, to get your head around.
Suddenly the walls crack just a little and the emotions you have locked deep inside them bleed through the cracks.
Those months, years of trying so hard to stay strong, to stay positive and just to stay on top of every broken emotion.
The heart shatters all over again, you feel every pain, every heartache, ever loss all over again and all you want is to close your eyes, get lost in the darkness, let it take over you, suffocate you and take you away near to return.
Death is better than facing the loss, the heartache, the coldness, the silence. The knowing that life just can’t live up to what it once was.

I have no idea how to come through this, how to carry on anymore.
Loss, love, life and health have beaten me to an inch of my life and I’m clinging to the edge with all my might knowing that the one person that may just be able to save me, is the one wishing I would fall.

It’s a Yin and Yang thing

imageTrying hard to put this into practice, some days are just so damn hard.

It is not easy but do not stop hoping or wishing for the best.
This is life lessons..The world can be a difficult place. You may experience suffering, heartbreak and loss. These circumstances can take a toll on your happiness, but do not lose hope.
Think about Yin and Yang in Chinese philosophy, which states that opposite forces are often interconnected.
In suffering, you can find great strength, in heartbreak you can find resilience, and in loss you can find a renewed appreciation for life.

Life is always Yin and Yang.

Opposites are interdependent and interconnected. You can’t completely shield yourself from sadness without also shielding yourself from happiness. (I know this too well)

Alone

imageI know I have brought it on my self but at times I feel totally alone.
Even with that feeling I still don’t want to put myself out there and see people, talk to anyone or even chat random crap on the phone.
I know over the last year or so I have pushed everyone away, even my nearest and dearest.
I’m a closed book that won’t open up to anyone, not even my family and friends. The walls are higher than ever and if anyone wants to know how I’m feeling or thinking than their first port of call is this blog.

So when did I turn from party animal, the girl who couldn’t be alone or away from friends for more than a few hours?
What changed in me?

I think it’s a case of being scared to open up and get close to anyone.
Maybe I’ve gone so far away from letting people in, it’s to late for me.

The truth of the matter is, I have family and friends who want to be there, they want to hold my hand when I’m sick, hug me when I cry and laugh with me when I laugh.

So why do I keep pushing them away?
Why do I feel I have to face my battles alone?

Have I been hurt so badly that I just can’t face being hurt in any way at all?
I am scared of the judgement from others?

I’ve been wrongly judged by so many over the last two years, I just don’t seem to have the strength to fight that any more.
Along with the life lesson of learning who really cares and who could turn their backs so easily.
I guess it has damaged me more than I knew it ever would.

I know I’m not a bad person, my heart though broken is a kind one and I always am there for who ever wants to unload their problems on my shoulders.
I listen, I truly listen and I’m there when they need me, ALWAYS.
But something in me just won’t let me get close to anyone no matter who they are.

I also believe that if I shut myself off from the world that when my ticking time bomb finally decides not to tick anymore, I want to spare them the pain that I have had for the last few years.
Heartbreak and loss has made my warm heart grow cold and the once melted Ice Maiden has frozen to new levels, leaving me more alone than I have been, even when I’m with people I still feel lost and alone.

But what my heart seems to want to tell me is that I feel alone because I am no longer complete.
My other half, my better half has vanished out of my life leaving me just a shell of the person I was when he was with me.