It wasn’t jealous, it’s something totally different

It wasn’t jealous, it’s something totally different. It was a pull on the heart-strings watching mother and son connect so beautifully, a connection I had only dreamt of.
A bond so special you could feel it by just being in the room with them.
I hadn’t felt that feeling before and while it made my heart ache just a little knowing I had never had that, it warmed my soul to see such a special relationship, I felt pride and overpowering love for the man who stood before me and his loving union he shared with his Mum.
When she opened her heart to me, not only as a friend but as kind of  a daughter, it was overwhelmingly special, a connection I didn’t know I was missing.
That wonderful time in my life, I felt more at home than I ever had before, I felt complete, alive, in love, at home.
A feeling I’m sure only comes to a few in a lifetime.
How lucky I was to have felt that if only for a while.


When ?

Random thought of the day –

When was the last time you truly looked
Into your partners eyes?
The window to the soul.

When was the last time you
Watched your partner sleep?

When was the last time
you truly saw

And now we’re really cooking with gas.

There’s nothing quite like sitting around with friends having great conversations over a delicious meal. Add some wine or beer (because we’re fancy like that) and now we’re really cooking with gas.

There is something special about sitting around the table to eat the meal you have just slaved away at for hours so you can fill you friends and family’s tummy’s.
Every week we make a point of all getting together for a good old feast, a chinwag and what every drink tickles your fancy.
We’ve been doing this since I returned from Paris and I have to say it’s probably the best day of the week for Marly-Kate and I.
Marly-Kate loves having everyone around, they all give her so much love, attention and time, to her they are her family.
That’s the main reason we started our feast night, so Marly-Kate could get a sense of what family life feels like.
As it just her and me and of course my baby cousin, it’s so easy just to slump in front of the tv with your dinner on your lap. I don’t want that for her, I want her to feel how dinner time should really feel.
The conversation, the smell of homemade food, the smiles, the laughter, the warm feeling that you get when all the family comes together, I want her to experience that and to hold warm memories.
Also when we get to eat good old dominos while chilling in-front of the tv, it’s special in its own way. 🍕

Though our family is spread over thousands of miles from Devon to Paris to Spain it’s not always easy to show her what family really means, that’s why feast night is so very important.
She understands that family isn’t all about blood, that it’s about the people who are never far from your side, it’s about the people who are there through the good and the bad, it’s about friendship, respect and love.
Family to us is coming together and enjoying a good meal not forced by blood but because we actually want to spend time together.


Who has the songs to sing to me when I am blue?

Who has the tenderness of a mother?
Who has the wisdom of a schoolteacher?
Who has the tricks of the magician?
Who has the ability to see the world through a child’s eye?
Who has the stories about Mum and Dad?
Who has always loved me no matter what I do?
Who has the songs to sing to me when I am blue?
Of course, it is my Grandma,
And I love you and you blessed my life!
(Catherine Pulsifer)

I’m constantly being called a granny because I crochet. But if all granny’s warm hearts like my granny sure did, I don’t mind being called a granny at all.

My great gran was the most exceptional lady I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
Her warm heartfelt hugs as I snuggled into lap as she read me poems, story’s and sang the most enchanting Irish songs, in her sweet Irish accent, there was no place I would rather have been.
Her sweetie pot filled with humbugs next to her comfy armchair always filled so that her grandchildren could have that sweet treat that our parents would only allow on pocket-money day.
She would sit and listen to every word we spoke no matter the rubbish that would pour out as mouths.
She truly listened and even though she was a Victorian child at heart and the world had changed in front of her eyes, she would do her up most to try to understand the modern world and help to put life’s troubles into prospective, she would put the world to rights just by being her and opening her arm to give us the hug that protected us from the monsters under our beds.
She loved with her whole heart, her time was solely ours, her love unconditional.
There is truly no one like a granny.
She was my first ever heartbreak and I miss her terribly, her smile, her wisdom, her voice, her hugs.

While people take the piss that I make crochet blankets, hats or what ever they ask for, I do it out of love, friendship and respect for the person I’m gifting it to. With every piece I create, a sense of pride fills my soul and I feel as though I have actually achieved something.
Since life grow extremely hard, I feel I really don’t have a purpose, I have this humongous hole in my life, that can only be filled by the love of my life, with that emptiness eating away at me I have to try to do anything to give myself a little peace, a little sense of achievement, a little pride. Creating a keepsake, an heirloom that I call, a hug in a box, I feel I’m giving out a little love, that in person, I struggle to give. So even though people tease me, call me granny, I really don’t mind because granny’s give the best hugs.👵🏻


I would rather….

I’m asked all the time why I’m not angry about how and why my relationship ended.
I should be, I sometimes wish I was.
It’s an easy one to answer!

Why would I want to live a life full of hate and anger when I can let light in and remember all the good feelings that came with our love for each other.
I would rather fill my mind, my heart and my soul with the memories of how wonderful our life’s were together than feel bitter, angry and disappointed.
Add to that, a love as strong as the love that consumes my whole entire being, wins over every other emotion.
A Love that never fades no matter how hurt, devastated or broken.
True unconditional love.


People have searched for centuries to find the right way to say “I love you”

People have searched for centuries to find the right way to say
“I love you”
But I found, no words are really needed.
A look, a touch, a smile, a kiss, can say everything, we as humans are incapable of saying.

Let me tell you a true story, about a boy and a girl, who’s love was pure and unbreakable.

The girl worked in a hotel on the Isle of weight, working to bring much need pennies home to her parents, which would help feed and clothe her 8 siblings.
And a boy who worked on the steam cruise liners, making as much money as possible to give his love all her heart desires.little did he know, all she desired was him.
As Eileen carried out her daily tasks, her one true love Reg would swim five miles around the bay, just to wave hello to Eileen the girl he would marry.
He would swim everyday to wave to her upon the shore or just to catch a glimpse of her beauty, to let her day be filled with the overwhelming feeling of being loved.
A love that only grow as the grow older, a love that would bring a daughter and many years of marital bliss.
A marriage cut shot by ill-health and the passing of the Eileen’s only love.
A love that brought her peace upon her death-bed as they once again were reunited.

Love doesn’t need words, love hold no boundaries, love is beautiful and fills you with warmth, tenderness and belonging.


Just one of those…..

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in many different directions?
That everyone and everything wants a piece of you?
I’m totally there right now and feel as if the world is crashing in on me.
I love to be busy, mainly to keep my mind and heart away from the torment it likes to play. If I’m busy, I have no time to think, no time to let the pain take over. My busyness is my protective armour but boy right now I feel as if I’m being pulled into three or four pieces. I’m grateful in a way but 5 minutes time out would be pretty damn welcome.

So my week, what can I say about my week?
I’m been a hard one.
Firstly, my baby girl is being bullied at school because of her heart problems. She cries her little heart out every morning and bursts into tears the minute she sees me at the end of the school day.
These bullies tongues are pure evil and if they are like this now, I dread to think once they hit mainstream school, what on earth they will be like.
I know they say a bully, is a bully, because they have their own problems and they take that out on the easiest victim, my heart goes out to them but when it comes to them hurting my daughter, I will not let them get away with it.
I wrote the harshest email I’ll ever written yesterday, telling the school that I will be moving Marly-Kate from the unsettling nasty environment until I have proof that it is safe for her to return.
Trust me, they didn’t like that one bit.

On top of that, I’ve notice that when I wake, my jaw is nearly locked and that my mouth, teeth and Jaw ache. My teeth through my medication have grown weak and while I brushed my teeth yesterday one just fall out. I was horrified and phone the dentist who managed to fit me in.
She was super lovely as I went into a nervous talkative state and rambled on about any crap that came to mind.
I’m not at all scared of the dentist or treatment, what scares me is that as soon as they touch my teeth I get an abscess and that alone terrifies me.
I was told that my teeth have grown weak due to my meds and bad health and that she will not be able touch or work on my teeth because I do not bleed easily. You need to bleed in order to heal and stop infections, so it’s now a trip to the hospital, to be knocked out and any work that needs doing to help support and strengthen them will be carried out.
I’m kind of relieved if I’m honest, but also saddened by that fact that my meds are taking the goodness away from them.
I’ve alway gone 6 monthly to see the dentist and the hygienist, I’ve always been proud of my teeth so this is a kick in the gut for sure.
It’s just a waiting game now to get seen, I hope I can stay on top of the awful pain that toothache brings.
When ever I have a little niggle of discomfort, my mind always flashbacks to when Ross and I first started our friendship/relationship. Bless him, he had the worst abscess and I remember the awful pain he was in, even back then at the very beginning all I wanted to do was take his pain away, to hold him, comfort him, still to this day I want to do that.
It’s funny how you remember those moments, the moments that are part of life and not at all exciting but they stay with you for a life time. It’s funny that even back then I was so in love him without even knowing it.

This week hasn’t all be bad, I’ve managed to get a little research done, a little work and a massive house clean.
I find that when I feel myself falling, I begin to clean, cupboards are emptied, skip bags are filled and every surface to scrubbed.
If I can’t clear my heart and mind of the emotions I feel, I empty the walls that surrounded me. At least the house feels lighter and refreshed even if my mind doesn’t.
Here’s hoping that the weekend will offer time out, rest and relaxation.
Here’s hoping.