Where has the time gone

Where has the time gone, can’t believe we are in February already and I haven’t really written a blog post yet.
January was extremely busy and a tad stressful for me.

Marly-Kate started her new school after months of trying to find her the perfect placement. She loves it, she can’t wait to go in the mornings. She comes straight home, does her home work, writes her blog if she has something exciting or important to write, she than will google places, occupations etc that I’ve come across in my research. She’s learning more everyday and loving it, which is all I wanted for her.
Her happiness is the most important thing in my life. She’s truly glowing and that is the most delightful sight for any mother to see.
We had to take a trip to Paris for legal reasons, I was very unsure if I should take her with me as Paris holds a lot of extremely painful memories, I didn’t want her picking up on those but she wanted to see where she was born, so we packed a weekend bag and off we went.
The joy on her face when she saw uncle Christian waiting for us will forever be embedded in my memories. That moment alone was worth taking the trip for.
While I spent days surrounded by darkness, sorrow, anger, she had a blast playing with her cousin, getting to spend much-needed time with my brother Al, who absolutely adores her and spoils her rotten.
We laid flowers on my sisters grave, visited the house I once owned. It was a crazy busy few days.
Even though I couldn’t wait to return to English soil, goodbyes were hard, at least now we won’t have to return to a place where I only feel pain and sorrow. Good ridden to bad rubbish I say.
Life really has been pretty groovy, well until we receive the most devastating news last Friday. I’ll leave that for another post when I’ve wrapped my head around it a little more.
I’ll see you back here soon, stay safe, stay happy, stay true.

And now we’re really cooking with gas.

There’s nothing quite like sitting around with friends having great conversations over a delicious meal. Add some wine or beer (because we’re fancy like that) and now we’re really cooking with gas.

There is something special about sitting around the table to eat the meal you have just slaved away at for hours so you can fill you friends and family’s tummy’s.
Every week we make a point of all getting together for a good old feast, a chinwag and what every drink tickles your fancy.
We’ve been doing this since I returned from Paris and I have to say it’s probably the best day of the week for Marly-Kate and I.
Marly-Kate loves having everyone around, they all give her so much love, attention and time, to her they are her family.
That’s the main reason we started our feast night, so Marly-Kate could get a sense of what family life feels like.
As it just her and me and of course my baby cousin, it’s so easy just to slump in front of the tv with your dinner on your lap. I don’t want that for her, I want her to feel how dinner time should really feel.
The conversation, the smell of homemade food, the smiles, the laughter, the warm feeling that you get when all the family comes together, I want her to experience that and to hold warm memories.
Also when we get to eat good old dominos while chilling in-front of the tv, it’s special in its own way. 🍕

Though our family is spread over thousands of miles from Devon to Paris to Spain it’s not always easy to show her what family really means, that’s why feast night is so very important.
She understands that family isn’t all about blood, that it’s about the people who are never far from your side, it’s about the people who are there through the good and the bad, it’s about friendship, respect and love.
Family to us is coming together and enjoying a good meal not forced by blood but because we actually want to spend time together.

Wake me up……

Summer days and the living is easy, smash, bam, with a blink of an eye you’ve missed it.
New, washed, ironed uniform is at the ready, school bags packed and a lunch box waiting to fill with carrot sticks, and all things healthy (school rules suck).
The rain starts creepy back in, as do the darker evenings and the mornings somehow seem cozier, so much harder to drag our ass’s out of bed.
Alarm clocks placed over the opposite side of the room, saving it from the fate of being launch across the room when it rudely makes you jump out of your skin with its high pitch squeal also making it impossible to hit that much-loved snooze button that I’m sure we all favour.
How we hate that little invention that was made for one purpose………to torture.
Smiles disappear, replaced with frowning and uncontrollable sobbing 😭 even the occasional stamping of feet, not just from the little girl who will looks incredibly smart in her pure white shirt, shiny black shoes but also from mum who wants one extra cup of coffee before dragging herself out the door and doing that dreaded school run, full of judgment, stuck up mothers with faces full of makeup and the perfect hair while you try desperately to fix your jeans so your pj’s that are creeping further up your butt cheeks don’t give away that you rushed out the door without removing those normally every so comfy pj bottoms.
Then comes that ear piecing ring of the bell 🔔, a stampede of running children tripping over each other to be the first inline, a hard tug of the jeans that risks exposing those pjs, as tears begin to flow uncomfortably, making it look as if you’ve forgotten that tanner lady 😜 as your darling perfect child try’s her up most to hide behind you, holding on for dear life.
Please wake me up when September ends!!!

🌹🌹🌹

Beautiful Rush

There is something so special about who you are and who you come from.

Every moment in history has brought you to where you are now and what you are and have become.
Every soul that traveled this world before you had a part to play in your making and how your spirit came to be.

No matter if you worship your family or want nothing to do with them, they are part of you, your DNA.
To me that is absolutely fascinating.
Knowing very little about my roots, I’m on a mission to discover, how I got to be the person I am now.
Every document discovered, every name unveiled, every location travelled, every love story, every passing all give me an over whelming sense of being.
These names, are not just ink on a census or certificate, they are part of me, they are my blood, my history.
How I love history.
The thrill of discovery, the facts, the stories, the confirmation, all give me a sense of belonging.
Belonging hasn’t played a part of my life until a few years ago, now I have this beautiful rush of dna running through my veins. These names scribbled on forms, are just not names, they are so much more than that. They are family, they are the people who let my life become possible. They are the reason for my being and that is pretty damn incredible.
They send questions that keep me from sleep, they intoxicate my thoughts and make me need to know more.
From graves I’ve hunted, to war records, ship logs, workhouses, house fires, drownings, the trenches in the battle of the Somme, births and deaths at sea and mystery of the Irish 🍀 that I still have to uncover. Every day is an adventure and in turn I’m making history for my daughters future daughters and sons and for their future generations.

Flashback Friday

It’s FRIDAY, but more importantly it’s Marly-Kate’s birthday. 🎂
Happy Birthday, you’re the light on dark days, the laughter in my belly, the sun on rainy days, you’re my world little lady and mummy loves you more than words can ever say. ❤️
Marly-Kate and I have had a trying road since she came into this world 10 weeks early. We’ve shown strength, determination, and somehow we’ve beat the odds and survived, which we will keep doing, giving the birdie along the way.

In truth the first year was so incredibly hard but more so, scary. Throughout it all she’s shown me so much about life, love, and true determination.
My girl never lets life get her down, she stands tall and proud and gives it her all and even though her heart gives her a run for her money, she won’t let it beat her or get her down, she gives her all and I couldn’t be any prouder of her. She truly is a beautiful spirit with so much light and love to give, she pretty damn amazing.
I would say she’s going to make some extremely lucky guy very happy in the future but that’s not happening at least until she 50+. 😜

So my week, well I don’t want to get into that right now as today is a happy day. I have managed to finally finish a project I’ve been working on and I’m pretty proud of how it turned out. To be totally honest, as I made the last row of stitches, I filled with emotion at all the memories, trails and tribulations that have been stitched into the blanket. It’s been on my lap through, laughter, joy, dark days and sun filled days. It’s funny how those skeins of yarn, have turned into something so meaningful and I would even say beautiful, every square made holds a memory, be it of joy fear or sadness, everyone is special somehow in its own right.
I not to sure where it’s travels will take it now, who it will keep warm on those chilly evenings, who it will wrap up in a hug but I do know that who ever I gift it to will not just been given a blanket but a part of my heart, my life, my memories.

So anyway the hands of time have travel over 168 hours and that means it’s time to rewind those hands and look back to the memories imbedded in these pages, so I’ll wish you a spectacular weekend and leave you with this weeks flashback.
Be happy, be true, be you.

❤️❤️❤️

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.”

I had the most different weekend, relaxing in away even though I carried out blue work as I call it.
Farming is a blue job for sure, kinda fun though.
Put that aside for the minute as I want to blog about that at a later date.
Yesterday was Marly-Kate’s birthday. I can’t believe she is two already. My little princess is growing up so fast, I hate it. I want to keep her this young forever.
Mk has the best little personality, she is cheeky, happy, and full of life.
She’s into everything. She is delicious in every way.
She never stops smiling unless she needs to sleep and runs rings around me, where she gets her countless energy from is beyond me.
Mk is beautiful to a fault. Her cheekiness along with stubbornness oozes from her. You can’t help but to smile at her even when eating sheep poo and she laughs at you when you tell her no. She such a pickle.
Well for her birthday, I wanted to do something but her main birthday treat will be a day out with Ross, hopefully in the next few weeks but I couldn’t let the day just pass without doing anything.
I had a long drive ahead of me so thought that we would spend the day by the sea half way between home and my dads.
It was a beautiful day, cooler than it has been, so we head off to Lyme Regis, one of my favourite places.
I love this little seaside town.
Marly isn’t a great lover of sand so the first hour was fun to say the least, she just kept climbing back into her buggy.
She wasn’t having any of it, finally though she gave in as she wanted to get to the water.
She loves the sea, she plops herself down on the edge of the water, nappy and all and giggles every time a wave splashes her.
That was her set for the few hours we sat there.
She didn’t move, and just laughed louder and louder.
She was one happy little girl.
I can’t say my bro had such an easy time with his son Mitch though, he was running around everywhere, sand throwing, eating sand and trying to rock climb. He’s a cute little thing, don’t think his mummy and daddy thought so at the time though. No relaxing for them

When it came to crabbing, Marly was scared to death, don’t think we will be doing that again anytime soon.
So back to the beach we go and all laughs again.
All in all, it was a lovely day, one that I hope she will remember.

Flashback Friday

It was one of those weeks when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold, when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
Even though the sun shines and summer hearts rejoice in the carefree nature that the warming sun brings, winter seems to have crept into our life’s this week.
It’s been a week of fear, hope and strength.
My little girl, collapsed at school and was rushed to hospital.
I have felt fear before, every night I live with the fear that she will stop breathing and I won’t be able to help her, that I won’t be able to reach her in time.
So when I got the call that she was on route to the hospital, every fear I have ever felt, came crashing down around me, suffocating me.
My baby girl was alone and in desperate need of her mummy.
I know I can’t be there 24-7, I can’t wrap her in cotton wool, she has to live her life the best she can and I can’t control every situation she faces but I so wish I could. I wish I could take everything away from her, take the pain, the breathlessness, the dizziness, the headaches, but most of all the fear. I wish she didn’t have to face a life that she has no control over, I wish she could be carefree. I would give anything and everything to be able to give her a life full of amazing health but I can’t, all I can do is give her enough love to help her through all the trails and tribulations that she faces.
I love being a single mum, the pride I feel is worth every minute of hard work being a single mum brings but at times like these, I wish I had Ross’s hand to hold, his whispers in my ear, that she’s going to ok, like he once did when she was so desperately sick as a newborn.
Facing this alone is extremely hard at times, the waiting while she’s in surgery, is a nightmare come true, the silence is deafening, the fear is intoxicating.
So after having a valve replaced, she’s home where she belongs and I really couldn’t be more grateful.
The sun is once again shining upon us. ☀️
I’m more than grateful this week is over, I truly never want to face a week like it ever again.
All I can say is thank F*** it’s Friday, which of course means one thing, it’s time to rewind back the hand of time and to reminisce happier times.
So I’ll leave you now and wish you a happy sun filled weekend, let the sun warm your spirit and the breeze cool your troubles.
Have a good one peeps, take care, stay safe and enjoy loads of ice cream.🍦

🌹🌹🌹

Dear Marly-Kate,
In the lands of fairies and dragons, Lily pads and waterfalls, the air is clear and sky’s are blue.
We dance around the brooks and sing in tune.
Our spirits sour and are hearts alight,
Our feet are feathers, so pure and light.
We sour on the autumn breeze and take flight.
Our wings a flutter, we glide so softly.
Dancing freely in the summer rays, Twirling and twisting to the sound of a new day.
The morning dew sparkles as the sunlight twinkle’s on the Lily pads and dragonflies twirl and shimmer.
The morning is alive with elegance, hope and delight.
Come dance with me on this daybreak, come be free and embrace the delights that bewitch you.
As night-time closes in and the stars begin to shine, the earth falls into harmony.
The moon light guilds our night.
Our day is drawing in and we are sleepy, our minds still carry the songs of the day.
We’re still floating and dancing, from the magical day.
And as I lay you down to sleep and kiss you good night, I wish you sweet dreams my child and turn out the light.
I whisper that I love you and at the rise of the sun is a new day,
where we can chase rainbows, ride unicorns and fly with the butterflies.
Sleep peacefully my darling Marly-Kate. I bid you good night.  ♥

🦋🦋🦋

Not so FBF

It’s been a week full of emotions that I just can’t handle dealing with, so I have to try to push them deep down within.
It’s also been the week that holds a Birthday of the most amazing special guy in my life. Him being him, he was the one gifting me a pressie. How sweet is that.
The week has flown by again and it’s been pretty full on. My bud Rich decided to pop in with paint and is giving my kitchen a once over, it’s been pretty nice having him around to be honest, Marly-Kate adores him and was more than happy to pick up a paintbrush and lend him a hand, puppy joined in to and managed to walk paint through the house and has a lovely new whitish coat to show for his hard work. 😜
Marly-Kate and I have gone on short bike rides and had picnics  in the sunshine. ☀️I love school holidays, we get to spend quality time together, with no morning stress to get her in the classroom. She still dislikes school intensely, if your one of the lucky ones that can read her blog, she sums it up Pretty well on there. I shouldn’t laugh, but her posts are just so funny.

I love how she sees the world, it’s so pure.
I’ve always said that I wish I could see the world through her eyes. How wonderful would it be to watch bubbles floating the way she does, the excitement and pure joy as she tries her hardest to catch them without popping them. The way she sits as quite as a mouse 🐭 watching ladybugs 🐞, ants 🐜 and any other insects that catch her eye. You can hear her talking to them and laughing to herself as she makes up little stories about what they are doing and how their life’s are lived. It’s so magical, it truly is. 💗
Why as adults do we lose the ability to create beauty in our own minds?
Watching her climb trees 🌲, rope swing across the river, giving her cousin DJ a run for his money, has to be the most wonderful gift I’ve ever been given. She truly is a beautiful spirit and I’m honoured to have her in my life, she is pure bliss and my ray of sunshine. I’m so very proud of her.

So the weekend is upon us, that means it’s time to rewind time and revisit older blog posts.
I have no idea what I’m going to share with you today so I think I may just leave it and wish you a sun filled weekend.
Have a good one peeps and hopefully see you back here soon.

🌹🌹🌹

 

Flashback Friday

It’s been a while.
Life has been kinda hard over the last few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time with my mum, which has been special, if only it had been under better circumstances.

I knew something was a miss when I opened the door and my mum and dad were stood there. It’s a long old drive, just to pop in for a coffee.

May seems to alway be an awful month for me, not just me, but mum to. If I could only blink and May and June would be over, sadly that’s not the case, so I’ll just have to face them while being as strong as I can.

So mum tells me that she has her latest MRI results back. My heart sunk right that second and I knew it wasn’t going to be good news, they wouldn’t be sat in my sofa if everything was rosie.
Her brain tumour has grown, not huge amounts but still its larger than it was 3 months ago, the problem is, it’s deep, deep within her brain so it can not be removed. 😢Not only that though but they discover on her scan that a large part of her brain has died and that they believe she has had a stroke.
If you know my mum, you’ll know that is her worst fear, I think it’s most people’s. Mum though is very high risk as her heart no longer pumps on its own and it’s her pacemaker that is keeping her alive, meaning she does not get enough oxygen to her brain. She alway has such high blood pressure that the machines just can not read it.
We as a family have been down this road so many times it’s just seems the norm. With loosing my dear sister to a heart-attack to Marley-Kate having major heart problems and my mum being a ticking time bomb, it’s just become part of everyday life but we have already lived through the heartbreak of loosing Jane and know the danger first hand of what mum and Marly-Kate face everyday.
It’s just sucks and there is nothing we can do but smile and try our up most to get on with life.

The past few weeks, we’ve spent a lot of time just chilling in each others company, not much has been said, just trying to take in the information and being there together through the stress and realisation of how life has to change, how life could change. We’ve sat and snuggled, held hands and just been there, no words were needed, that’s why this weeks flashback is so fitting even though I wrote it a few years ago and it held a total different meaning and was about the love of my life, it really does make sense and fits with the last few weeks of life here.
So without further ado I will wish you a happy long sun filled weekend and I’ll give you this weeks flashback Friday……..
take care my lovelies.

The power of touch, something so special that the world can see but only your can feel. I have never seen the importance of touch and the meaning behind it until about a year ago, when my views were changed and I began to understand how wonderful and powerful a small touch really is.
A small token of a squeeze of the hand when you need support. A stroke of the skin, to know you are wanted. A hug to give either love or support.
In the last few days, I have learn more so, how important these little gestures are. The most important one being the holding of hands, so much can be learnt from this alone.
When a hand is in hand, two bodies become one, you bond on a level, that only the two of you can feel.
You gain acceptance and truth, mixed with hope and love. You are suddenly not alone in the strange universe, you have meaning for existing.
And while I do not know where I am going with this blog or its point or purpose, I know deep within my heart, the words and meaning I am trying to say, and as they get lost before I can find a way to express the feeling that run through my soul and I have no way to explain, what I’m desperately trying to get across, I know right now I’m lost and alone, but I have full understanding that when his hand is in mine that life becomes beautiful all over again, that when he touches my skin, I become alive. When our lips meet, I’m no longer alone.
No words are needed when our two souls exchange the simplest touch. Words lose their meaning and I can feel the gift he is giving me, from one movement alone. I know he loves me. ❤️
So maybe the meaning to this blog, is, to try to say….. Don’t always use words, speak loader than that, for words are just words, it’s what lies in the heart that matters, it’s the touch, the soul and the eyes that will speak volumes on levels that can never be expressed in words.
Hold the one you love, speak though bodies not through words imbedded in you head since birth. There is more to life than speech.
The song posted below even though cheesy, sums it up perfectly.

Have a good day guys, and if you love someone show them.

What is wrong with schooling these days?

What is it with schools these days?
Why can’t they help the children who have a passion for certain subjects?
One of my cousins children is extremely passionate about spirit, all he wants to do is complete and improve on his skills and his personal bests. He dreams of complete for his country and if I do say so myself, he’s bloody fast.
He recently has started competing for the youth development league and for his home town, he’s been offered private sponsorship but still the school have no interest or intention to help him, they haven’t even given him a place in the school athletic team, which is an utter disgrace on their part.
This child has goals, dreams and a future planned out which he understands could only stay as a dream due to many different obstacles such as being spotted.
I know the struggles he faces as I was once a very talented athlete who was lucky enough to be spotted and trained, sadly life had different plans for me and I let my dream of running for England go within baby steps of making it. (One of my biggest regrets in life so far)
Shouldn’t these teachers be pushing him, training him, encouraging him, doing their up most to help him fulfill his dreams which I believe he is more than capable of achieving, he’s good, really, really good.
A few weeks ago I went to watch him compete and my god that child flies, he is fast, I mean very fast and at such a young age.
If I have noticed and a complete stranger has noticed, why haven’t the school.
He keeps telling me that they are an IT school and that’s all they care about. It’s totally wrong and makes my blood boil.
This young lad also is pretty damn good with math, he sits and plays maths puzzles online just for fun but still the school haven’t picked up on his talent and love for math. In infants he would be doing his much older bothers homework and get everything right.
For some reason that passion has faded now and he openly admits that it’s down to his teachers. 👨‍🏫
I just don’t get it, why would they let this fire burn out, why have they let him give up on something so important. Isn’t school all about Math and English, aren’t they the key to college? (I have my own views on that, but hey ho, that how the school rolls)
It really does infuriate me.
Marly-Kate’s school is the same, she has her passions, and they don’t seem to care, they seem to hold her back, at least she has a whizz kid living with us that is teaching her all about computer science, coding etc and thank god for programs on-line that are now focusing on young children learning code.

I really believe that the schooling system is wrong, the way they teach is wrong, maybe not for some, but Marly-Kate is a visual learner, she learns through doing and not being preached at.
I know some child learn well that way but what about the children that are left behind because they don’t, it really is a sad kettle of fish.

I’m not sure if my ramblings is getting my point across, maybe the below video will sum it up better.
I just hope that things can change a little and give the child a chance at their dreams, their goals, their destinies.

There’s no place like home 🏡

img_4239If you have read my house to home post, you’ll know already that I’m slowly but surely doing our house up.
I call it a house because still after nearly two years it still feels like a brick and mortar. Sadly not a home.
I’m not sure if it ever will as nothing can ever come close to the place I felt so at home at.
Really a home is where your heart is and this isn’t it. With that said though, I will try my very up most to make these walls into a place Marley-Kate will always feel as if it’s her home.
The location is a delight, a little hamlet just outside Salisbury, surrounded by trees and fields, a local shop and park and a funny old bunch of neighbors that like to think they know everyone’s business, but that’s part of country life I guess (towns are worst I think for gossip etc), some have been here way before the houses were built, which is kind of nice when you think about it.
We even have a dinky train station which has proven a god send at times for my lodger/cousin, bless him, but in truth he loves living here, which is a bit of a shock after growing up in good old Brighton.

When I first viewed the house, omg I just wanted to turn around and walk away, no way was I going to pay what they were asking, it was so dirty and unloved, the garden was a bomb site, worse than actually. Marly-Kate had other ideas and even claimed her room, which she had never done before on what seemed liked a trillion houses we viewed. That was it, we put our offer in and after someone else offered over the asking price, my heart sank, so I throw in one even higher and got it, I just couldn’t upset Marly-Kate.
It all went through very fast thanks to being a cash buyer and within 4 weeks I had the keys in my hands and a pig sty of a house where my hard-earned cash once was.
The first few days of having the keys, all my good friends were here with more beer than you can imagine and within days all rooms had been cleaned and had a coat of paint, even a few floors were down and a hall carpet in place.
Since then we have just lived with it, doing small jobs and started the awful task of the garden, which is half-finished. Since then I have had a new roof put on and smashed a hole in the bricked up chimney and I’ve made my own health, I’m pretty impressed with how it turned out. 😃
Just concrete, black glass, clear glass, tiny black stones which we collected from different beaches and a light black dye, mixed all up, poured into a frame-work and bobs your knob, one dull health. Hours of polishing changed that and a few coats of a sealer and it looks good, I’m more than pleased and now it holds a log burner which just adds a homely feel to these four walls.
It’s pretty cozy for those snuggles on the sofa under our home-made blankets watching movies, reading or writing Marly-Kate’s blog. Our puppy and kitten love cuddling up together by the fire, it’s very cute.
Still there is loads of work to be done, huge jobs like bathrooms, kitchen (it’s not that bad but it could be better), the rest of our garden along with decorating and small building work that needs doing inside.
It can all be done when the timing is right, I at least hope to tick a few things off the goal list this year, but I know for sure that I won’t let it get in the way of living, after all it’s really just bricks and mortar, which will still be standing way after I’m not.
Life is short and it’s making memories that matters to me more than most. Hopefully though these old bricks will be forever imbedded in Marly-Kate’s memory as her happy, safe place which she calls home.🏡