Where has the time gone

Where has the time gone, can’t believe we are in February already and I haven’t really written a blog post yet.
January was extremely busy and a tad stressful for me.

Marly-Kate started her new school after months of trying to find her the perfect placement. She loves it, she can’t wait to go in the mornings. She comes straight home, does her home work, writes her blog if she has something exciting or important to write, she than will google places, occupations etc that I’ve come across in my research. She’s learning more everyday and loving it, which is all I wanted for her.
Her happiness is the most important thing in my life. She’s truly glowing and that is the most delightful sight for any mother to see.
We had to take a trip to Paris for legal reasons, I was very unsure if I should take her with me as Paris holds a lot of extremely painful memories, I didn’t want her picking up on those but she wanted to see where she was born, so we packed a weekend bag and off we went.
The joy on her face when she saw uncle Christian waiting for us will forever be embedded in my memories. That moment alone was worth taking the trip for.
While I spent days surrounded by darkness, sorrow, anger, she had a blast playing with her cousin, getting to spend much-needed time with my brother Al, who absolutely adores her and spoils her rotten.
We laid flowers on my sisters grave, visited the house I once owned. It was a crazy busy few days.
Even though I couldn’t wait to return to English soil, goodbyes were hard, at least now we won’t have to return to a place where I only feel pain and sorrow. Good ridden to bad rubbish I say.
Life really has been pretty groovy, well until we receive the most devastating news last Friday. I’ll leave that for another post when I’ve wrapped my head around it a little more.
I’ll see you back here soon, stay safe, stay happy, stay true.


O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree,
Your leaves are so unchanging 🌲



Adverts and movies, give the perfect impression of how we all wish our trees looked liked.🎄
Not just how they look but the magical feeling of all the family gathering around the tree decorating.
Even our memories play games and make us remember how wonderful it was to decorate the tree all together. To stand back, turn off the ceiling lights and see the beauty of Christmas come alive in front of our eyes.
In truth, who’s home is really like that?

My memories are of my step dad, loosing his cool when lights that worked perfectly before they went on the tree, didn’t work as soon as they clung to the branches.
Mum would be secretly pulling her hair out as we demanded to have our toilet roll Santa in full sight.
How we would all bicker about who’s turn it was to put the star on top of the tree.
It was far from how we all imagined it would be and somehow the tree would look picture perfect the next morning after Mum had redecorated it while we slept soundly in our beds.

Now I’m the Mum who dreams of the perfect tree, the best beautiful memories for my little girl.

Yesterday we decided to put up a tree, Marly-Kate, Rich and I went shopping for the perfect tree which couldn’t be larger than 5ft.
It was hammering with rain and we were as soggy as the field full of trees.
Marly-Kate picked the tree and all thoughts of size flow out the window. Rich straps it to the roof of his van and home we drive. Marly-Kate busting with excitement.
Well it all went horribly wrong from there.
The tree filled most of our lounge and was leaving puddles of water all over the floor.
Axe in hand, Rich goes about cutting branches off, trimming her down to size.
Finally she’s small enough for her position and it’s time to put on those lights that I had spent an age untangling.
Lights are on and finally looking as pretty as they will ever look.
Marly-Kate has a blast hanging all the decorations and we step back to see her masterpiece just as our kitten takes a running jump and lands in the middle of the tree 🤣
That’s when the laughter escaped as the lights went blank, never to work again.
Now the movies don’t do our tree decorating justice.
As I finally sat down last night with a huge mug of hot chocolate with all the trimmings, Rich and I laughed and laughed at the tree with no lights and the branches that are already turning brown and leaving a nice pile of pines under the tree.
Maybe our tree is far from perfect but the memories truly are perfection.

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree
How dead are your branches. 🎄

My angel standing by

Angel Standing By. 💗


I gaze outside my window
And wish upon a star.
I open up my heart
And let my thoughts drift afar.
A tear rolls down my cheek
As I reminisce the past.
You hardly got to live.
Your life went by so fast.

And all because someone else
Made a dumb mistake.
I don’t understand why it was
Your life he had to take.

But now there’s no way I can bring you back
No matter how hard I try.
Because now you’re up in heaven
As my angel standing by.
(Karen Ashley Murray)

I’ve been thinking about grief a lot lately especially with the anniversary of my mum’s best friend yesterday.
He wasn’t just my mum’s life long best friend but he was a father figure to me.
As a young child I prayed that he was my dad. He treated me as I was his daughter and I worshiped the ground he walked on.
We had this special bond, a bond that only death could take away from us.
My mum had the same bond and even all these years later I can see her heart-break all over again as she remembers the extremely cruel way he died.
I have hardly ever spoken to anyone about the man who loved me as his own, who called me princess, who would have moved mountains for me.
I don’t think I even ever told Ross how much he warmed my life and how devastated I was when after months of suffering and pain he finally draw his last breath.
I had only ever seen one person die before, well I found the old gent dead on the toilet. 🚽
This though was a total different kettle of fish.
I loved him, in my eyes he was my father, the father I longed for, my friend and in ways my hero.

Twenty years on, I still grieve for him, I miss him desperately and I would cut off my right arm just to see his smile again, to hear his laugh and to try to understand his very dry sensed humour which I never fully understood as a child, now I roar as we reminisce his jokes.
What I would give to spend my summers in his swimming pool or to run over the sand dunes, desperately trying to beat him to the top.
For him to take me shopping for all the latest music 🎧.
I’ll never forget that huge tape shop he would take me to and I could pick what ever I fancied, it was a music crazy teenagers haven.
When summer would end and I had to fly home, with the most incredible sun tan from 6 weeks of pure relaxation and fun, I would beg my mum to marry him so everyday would be to me the perfect childhood.
When we walked through our front door, there would always be a parcel waiting for us, a box full of pirate vhs tapes. All the latest movies that were months away from being released. Jane and I would run to my room and snuggle up under the duvet and watch movie after movie, roaring with laughter ever time a head would pop up on the screen or a cough, sneeze or scream would over power the buzz of the muttered voices.
We didn’t care how bad quality they were, they were truly awful, all that mattered was they were a gift from my wannabe dad.

Grief and grieving doesn’t have a time line, you just can’t wake up and not feel the pain anymore, it never goes, somehow though you manage to keep living with the pain etched deeply into your heart, soul and memories.
I’ve now learnt how to look back and smile through the tears, I’ve learn to treasure the memories and for my wannabe dad to live on through them. I will never forget him, I will always be grateful to him for giving me my happiness childhood memories, for giving me a carefree summers, but most of all for giving me a glimmer of what father and daughters relationships can and should be like.
Sleep peacefully my angel standing by.


And now we’re really cooking with gas.

There’s nothing quite like sitting around with friends having great conversations over a delicious meal. Add some wine or beer (because we’re fancy like that) and now we’re really cooking with gas.

There is something special about sitting around the table to eat the meal you have just slaved away at for hours so you can fill you friends and family’s tummy’s.
Every week we make a point of all getting together for a good old feast, a chinwag and what every drink tickles your fancy.
We’ve been doing this since I returned from Paris and I have to say it’s probably the best day of the week for Marly-Kate and I.
Marly-Kate loves having everyone around, they all give her so much love, attention and time, to her they are her family.
That’s the main reason we started our feast night, so Marly-Kate could get a sense of what family life feels like.
As it just her and me and of course my baby cousin, it’s so easy just to slump in front of the tv with your dinner on your lap. I don’t want that for her, I want her to feel how dinner time should really feel.
The conversation, the smell of homemade food, the smiles, the laughter, the warm feeling that you get when all the family comes together, I want her to experience that and to hold warm memories.
Also when we get to eat good old dominos while chilling in-front of the tv, it’s special in its own way. 🍕

Though our family is spread over thousands of miles from Devon to Paris to Spain it’s not always easy to show her what family really means, that’s why feast night is so very important.
She understands that family isn’t all about blood, that it’s about the people who are never far from your side, it’s about the people who are there through the good and the bad, it’s about friendship, respect and love.
Family to us is coming together and enjoying a good meal not forced by blood but because we actually want to spend time together.


The past beats inside of me like a second heart

Memories are beautiful, making them is even more spectacular.

After a fun-filled weekend with the best of friends, way too much alcohol consumed, and a lifetime of belly laughs that dance happily inside our minds as they turn into the most special memories, I’m once more reminded that life is a treasure.
I smile knowingly that I will never forget the carnage, the laughs, the falls, that are now a forever moment in our minds.

Making new memories is truly a delight, one I never want to stop enjoying but there is always this part of me that will forever wish that he was by my side making them.
He’s the first person I want to tell my stories to but more so, he’s the one I want to make these memories with, he’s the one I want by my side, my partner in crime, my left hand man. It’s him who I should be making memories with.


A smile that bursts.

It’s funny how you get a text and you nearly wet yourself with laughter.

This morning my buddy Rich sent me a text and I nearly fall to the floor laughing.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in an age and boy it felt good.🤣
The funny thing is, I use to get texts like that from my dear friend Porter.
Not many days went by that he didn’t have me in stitches, he really was a clown. 🤡
I miss him terribly but I will always hold his kind, caring, jaw aching funniness close to my heart and remember that the two people I call my best friends, (Ross and Porter) were the two people who could make me smile, laugh and love life, like no others ever could.
Remembering the happy times, the most wonderful , the most precious times, warms my soul and gives me a little peace in a world that is now foreign to me.


Just one of those…..

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in many different directions?
That everyone and everything wants a piece of you?
I’m totally there right now and feel as if the world is crashing in on me.
I love to be busy, mainly to keep my mind and heart away from the torment it likes to play. If I’m busy, I have no time to think, no time to let the pain take over. My busyness is my protective armour but boy right now I feel as if I’m being pulled into three or four pieces. I’m grateful in a way but 5 minutes time out would be pretty damn welcome.

So my week, what can I say about my week?
I’m been a hard one.
Firstly, my baby girl is being bullied at school because of her heart problems. She cries her little heart out every morning and bursts into tears the minute she sees me at the end of the school day.
These bullies tongues are pure evil and if they are like this now, I dread to think once they hit mainstream school, what on earth they will be like.
I know they say a bully, is a bully, because they have their own problems and they take that out on the easiest victim, my heart goes out to them but when it comes to them hurting my daughter, I will not let them get away with it.
I wrote the harshest email I’ll ever written yesterday, telling the school that I will be moving Marly-Kate from the unsettling nasty environment until I have proof that it is safe for her to return.
Trust me, they didn’t like that one bit.

On top of that, I’ve notice that when I wake, my jaw is nearly locked and that my mouth, teeth and Jaw ache. My teeth through my medication have grown weak and while I brushed my teeth yesterday one just fall out. I was horrified and phone the dentist who managed to fit me in.
She was super lovely as I went into a nervous talkative state and rambled on about any crap that came to mind.
I’m not at all scared of the dentist or treatment, what scares me is that as soon as they touch my teeth I get an abscess and that alone terrifies me.
I was told that my teeth have grown weak due to my meds and bad health and that she will not be able touch or work on my teeth because I do not bleed easily. You need to bleed in order to heal and stop infections, so it’s now a trip to the hospital, to be knocked out and any work that needs doing to help support and strengthen them will be carried out.
I’m kind of relieved if I’m honest, but also saddened by that fact that my meds are taking the goodness away from them.
I’ve alway gone 6 monthly to see the dentist and the hygienist, I’ve always been proud of my teeth so this is a kick in the gut for sure.
It’s just a waiting game now to get seen, I hope I can stay on top of the awful pain that toothache brings.
When ever I have a little niggle of discomfort, my mind always flashbacks to when Ross and I first started our friendship/relationship. Bless him, he had the worst abscess and I remember the awful pain he was in, even back then at the very beginning all I wanted to do was take his pain away, to hold him, comfort him, still to this day I want to do that.
It’s funny how you remember those moments, the moments that are part of life and not at all exciting but they stay with you for a life time. It’s funny that even back then I was so in love him without even knowing it.

This week hasn’t all be bad, I’ve managed to get a little research done, a little work and a massive house clean.
I find that when I feel myself falling, I begin to clean, cupboards are emptied, skip bags are filled and every surface to scrubbed.
If I can’t clear my heart and mind of the emotions I feel, I empty the walls that surrounded me. At least the house feels lighter and refreshed even if my mind doesn’t.
Here’s hoping that the weekend will offer time out, rest and relaxation.
Here’s hoping.