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How does the world keep spinning when life as you know it comes crashing down and you don’t know if life will recover and ever be the same again?
When the wonderful lady who gave you life, own life hangs in the balance and you don’t know how much longer you will be able to call her Mum?
How do you stay strong, be the rock that stops her from crumbling when her fear swallows the air, you’re trying desperately to fill your lungs with?
How do you hide your own fears, hold back your tears, hold back the screams your heart and soul desperately needs to release?
How do you do the job of your mother when you need her to hold you, to reassure you?
How do even begin to imagine life without her?

Slam

When life seems bearable and you are getting on ok, SLAM you get bad news.
For some reason my family seem to be getting a lot of this for the last few years. It’s been one thing after another
And once again it seems to be hammering at our door.
Two years ago my lovely mum was rushed to hospital and had a pacemaker fitted which went horribly wrong causing her to fight for her life and 7 cardio arrests later she somehow pulled through.
It was awful, truly awfully. 😢
Mum was at one side of the hospital and I was at the other end having treatment to save my hands, feet and life. Fighting a fight that I wasn’t sure I wanted to win.
After mum was released we asked 100s of questions as to why she had to have the pacemaker etc, etc……No answers were given and still 2 years later no answers have been given only constant pain, lack of energy, headaches that can not be expressed how horrendous they are. On top of that a new tumour on her brain. What has she done to deserve this I will never know.
Anyway she received a letter saying that she had, had a heart attack at some point and the bottom of her heart has failed. It doesn’t work at all causing havoc with her pacemaker.
They want to do more surgery, either a stint or a heart by-pass.
Mum is refusing to have it done, as she swore that she would never go back under the knife again. And even though I fully understand her reasoning, because she has every right to be scared after the last op went horribly wrong, I know that if she doesn’t have this done she won’t be here much longer and I can’t live without her.
She is my best friend and my savour at times.
Ok, ok she hasn’t always been peaches and cream, far from it while she was with my step dad but she was a prisoner to him and he controlled her. Since she has been back with the love of her life my blood father she has come into her own and she is pretty incredible truly she is and it kills me to think that I will lose her.
So my heart, what’s left of it is torn, I don’t know how I can make everything ok but I do know that I will support her and be at her side every step of the way.
I just wish though that life’s plan would be kind.

Flashback Friday

imageWhat a week, a busy trying week, full of ups and downs but I won’t go into this now but I will leave you with a post from the 1st April 2013. We just found out my mum had a brain tumour and it throw our life’s up side down. Sadly we are back there again as it has returned and we are awaiting news on her latest MRI to see how much it has grown.
Life’s very unfair.
Fingers and toes crossed that it hasn’t grown to much.
So I leave you with this…….

Clouds rolling in, but will they make for a beautiful sunset

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/04/01/clouds-rolling-in-but-will-they-make-for-a-beautiful-sunset/

And the storm clouds coming rolling in
The ice has melted and are causing storms.
Uncontrollable storms that I have no way of understanding or dealing with.
When you open up your heart to one, you sadly let others slip in.
You start to feel and let everything effect you.
Unknown to you, you become a portal for emotion.
What you once dealt with by closing doors and building walls, it is now impossible to do so.
Your feeling and hurting and you lose control of any reasonable thoughts.
Life becomes a bubble of pain, love , hate joy and longing.

And while I am so deeply in love, living in bliss, my world outside of that comes crumbling down around me.
I’m finding it very hard to get my head around my Mum’s news and what will happen in the next few months. If I’m honest I’m scared I will lose her.
I’m scared that my dad will lose his love and I’m scared of everything that could come with it.
And all though I know, this has to be done, and the outcome will be the best one.
I can’t get my head around it right now.
In spite of these feelings I know my mum is a strong lady and she will not let her own fears show.
That she will fight for what she believes in and that is to live.
I guess I should have faith in those feelings as I know that I’m strong and won’t give in when I want something so badly.
After all I am my mothers daughter.