Reminiscing, The Cherry On The Cake.

I spent young adult years of my life with one man and they were some of the darkest, most desperate and lonely times of my life.

Now it’s different…thank f***.

Now I share my life with a partner/an equal, someone who wants to know me and accepts me inside out and me likewise.

Someone who knows my truths and won’t judge because that’s not who I am now and me likewise.

A love where we want to please each other not because we feel we ought to but because it brings us joy,

where we don’t feel responsible for each others happiness but we are happy and content  to just be together.

Where we can talk about anything and know the other will truly listen.

Where we are always free to be ourselves and will forever find joy in holding hands even in the tough times.

His love has taught me that I am responsible for my own happiness but that having that special someone, my soulmate, is the cherry on the cake.

Openly

I sent an email this morning to a dear friend of mine and even though this message may have seemed that I was just rambling on about me, myself and I, it truly was extremely hard to write.
It was very personal and revealing, something I do not do lightly.
I find it extremely hard to open up and let people in, I always have.
I think I have only truly opened up to one person in my life time and he was my soul mate, my air, my light, my everything, it was so easy with Ross.
I’m not sure why, was it because I never felt complete until I was in his presence, until that very first message, that very first conversation, that very first kiss.
He made me feel whole.
When I lost him, I lost myself and the ease to talk freely.
I’m now a closed book, more so than I ever was, I’m half the person I was when I was with him.

That simple email to a friend was very hard but I’m glad I fought the nagging voice to let a little piece of me out.
But still there’s a part of me that feels strange about it, that growing whisper of insecurity rattles through me.
I really believed that I had grown past the point of caring what others think, of others judgement, but still I fear it, I fear judgement on extreme levels.
As I kick myself for being so stupid and self-judgemental, I know I’m my worst enemy.
In truth the email probably didn’t come across as even that personal, and maybe it was rambling but to me, those rambles are extraordinarily hard.

I know I open up a little on here, but every post, is written from the heart to people I will never meet, that somehow smooths me and makes it a little easier, it’s helps me cope with not just life but something so much deeper.
Opening up here is easier than opening up to even my closest and most treasured friends and family.
So with that said and done, I wish to thank you all for being on the other end of the inter-web, for taking your time to read just one of my posts, one that I’ve sincerely struggled to open up in.
Thank you all for being the ray of sunshine that creeps into the heavily closed book that is my life and my soul.
Thank you.
Rose 🌹

When all is said and done.

imageThis day a few years ago I met my one true love.
It was the first day I can say that I felt completely happy, content and whole for the first time ever.
I cannot sum up or even try to explain the feelings I felt that day, I can’t even begin to try and show you how this man changed my life, made me feel things I have never felt before.
He changed my world, my life and my heart.
He consumed me, the love for him was over powering and ran so deeply.
It was 100% true love.
Here is a post I wrote about the day we met, the day my healt melted and I fall in love over and over and over again.

But what really counts is
when all is said and done
A love like that can never die, the flame never burns out, the love runs deeper than any other feelings that consume my mind and different times and moods.
When all is said and done, I still love him just as much as I always have and even though I won’t admit it and try to blank it out, it’s there, it’s always there.
The love so strong that no other could match it.
I love him, I will always love him.

image

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/06/18/someday-when-the-pages-of-my-life-end-i-know-that-you-will-be-the-most-beautiful-chapters/

The last few years I have been writing my own person journal, not for myself but for Ross.
While I was away in Paris and a short while before that, I have written little snippets from each day of our journey together and apart.
This is my gift to him, so the many things he had missed he could see in full colour. From memories, feelings to photos of my life, Marly-Kate’s and mine and Ross’s time together.

At this present time I do not know if he will ever receive these gifts to him, if he even wants to see them. I thought I would share one day out of the most important book.

The 24 hours that we met.

This is very personal to my view of the hours that led up to meeting. My personal history of the most magnificent day in my life to date. The day my heart was well and truly stolen.

Saturday 3rd June 2012.

Today is the day, that I get to finally meet you, only hours to go and I guess I should be getting ready.
Before I do, I want to tell you about my day.
It’s been strange, pleasant and exciting.
Dad and I decided to take a drive to Bognor so I could get a feel for your home town before our big meeting tonight.
In the car we jump, I pod on, playing the play list I have made for our first date. Shaking with nerves, we took that long trip to Bognor. All I could think about was, I’m going to be so close to you and you don’t even know I’m there.
What happens if we bump into each other, I don’t want to meet like that, I have it all planned in my head. Links to give you clues as to where I will be, which I will post later on your wall.
I hope you can work out the clues and this all goes to plan.
My nerves built and built as we took that drive.
Once we arrived in Bognor, I couldn’t get out the car, totally terrified. Dad managed to get me out and what or who is the first thing I see, only Arion, omg my heart sinks, what if he has spotted me and calls you. Thankfully at this time I don’t believe he did.
Dad and I go to a pub on the sea front, he gets us coffee and I sit outside taking in my surroundings.
Panic sets in over and over again, at all the people around. I hope I won’t be this much of a wimp tonight, that I can get my anxiety under control.
Somehow dad manages to get me to walk along the beach with him, we sit and eat our picnic and watch the waves or lack of them. I take a few photos to remember this moment, not that I will ever forget.
We ate ice cream while heading towards the pier. Just think in a few hours I will be back there, meeting you.
Every fear runs through my head on our journey home. What if you don’t turn up, what if you do and you turn and run the other way ? What if you dislike me when you finally see me ?
What if I panic and can’t move off the spot, I don’t want you to see me have a panic attack.
So much could go wrong. There are too many what if’s running through my head.
But I’m not going to let them drill out the excitement, I’m so excited. Tonight I get to meet you. It’s a dream come true.
I best get my backside into gear and get ready.
Until tomorrow.

4th June 2012

Wow wow wow, oh my god, I’m so in love.
What an incredible evening.
Well we finally met and all I can say is ….. You blow my mind, you’ve made me the happiest girl alive.
The moment I saw you walking towards me I knew you were the one, I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Those eyes as they looked into mine, I have never seen such amazing eyes.
When our skin touched, it felt like we melted together. What is that all about, how does that even happen? But omg it felt so perfect.
The fear and anxiety left me as soon as you were standing in front of me and all I could feel was over powering love.
There are just no words to even begin to explain how you made my heart swell and made me float off into heaven 😉
All I know is I want that over and over.
I knew it before, but now there is no dealt at all that I have found my soul mate. You incredible babes. I’m so madly, passionately in love with you.
I can’t wait to be with you again.