Shit comes to shove

As I sit wired up to a machine, a large needle in my arm, blood trying to escape my vein, in hopes I will feel a tad better for the next few hours, if I’m lucky, maybe a day or more, I pondering over what life would be like if there was no drama, no emotion, just box standard life. No worries, stresses, just boring everyday life.
It then just clicked that nah that would be extremely dull.
Even though at times I wish for that normal stress free life, I really do think it would bore the shit out of me.
As I sit here and think over the last few weeks of living in hell, I’m not sure if I would have it any other way. Let me rephrase that, take away the pain, the heartache, the unknown, the fear and desperation, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even through it’s been an extremely hard three-weeks, I released that it’s not my drama, not many of them are, but my family, my friends seem to pull me in to theirs, and in true honesty I’m perfectly ok with that.
For some reason they need me, the want my views, my support, but most of all my love.
I have all this love, deep within me, that’s lost because I can’t give it to the one person who it’s meant for, who it belongs to. I guess it’s wasted there, never to be given to the one it’s meant for. I guess when people draw me into their problems, their life’s, their ups and downs, a little of the love must creep out and somehow support them, be there for them.
So no matter how stressful life is, can be and guess always will be, there is a positive in there.
I don’t feel like I’m explaining it well but all I know is that no matter what life throws at you, your friends and family, it’s nice to know that when shit comes to shove they trust and care enough about me, to want my support and that’s a nice feeling, it truly is.

Did you know

Random thought of the day –

Did you know that if you text 741741 when you are feeling depressed, suicidal, or just needing someone to talk to, a crisis counselor will text with you?
Many people do not like talking on the phone and would be more comfortable texting.
It is a free service.

It is not weak to ask for help. Everybody needs it from time to time.
Don’t ever be afraid or embarrassed to reach out to someone.

Also, remember that if any of you to talk to or a listening ear, just message me anytime.

That’s pretty damn fine by me.

Do you ever look at your life and think WTF!!!

My life has changed in so many ways, my dreams have floated away on the breeze, new ones replaced them which plummeted into a gaping huge black hole and now I live day-to-day, scared of dreaming.
I give myself small but meaningful challenges that push my boundaries at times and I love that.
I have plenty of them to fill my time but are they really me.
When did I turn into this women that is scared of her own shadow?
To scared to allow myself to open up my heart and live a carefree existence.
To scared to feel.
Have I really lost the carefree nature I once enjoyed.
Gone are the days, when I dance the night away, oblivious to my surroundings.
Gone are the days I danced on table tops, not giving a damn what people thought of me or even laughed at me, I would have joined in the laughter with them.
Gone are the days I had to please my boss and keep others from disappointing him.
Gone are the days that creating was living and proving myself was my main goal. I didn’t just want to be good at my job, I needed to be the best at the job.
Now if I have to prove anything to anyone, it’s myself I have to please.
Is that somehow better? Easier?
I really don’t hold the answers, all I know is that while I gave up on my dreams or when my dreams shattered around me sending me to the darkest corner of hell, I’ve learnt that life isn’t always your friend, that grief can destroy every part of your soul but somehow that darkness gives you more strength, more heart, more desperation than you knew you had in you.
Don’t get me wrong, hell is the worst place to be, I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible, I’ve screamed louder than my own ears could bare.
I’ve fallen deeper than the darkest darkness and in ways I will never be free of the soul crushing despair.
I loved and I lost, in so loosing myself but I’ve also grown through the emptiness, the heartbreak and the sorrow.
I am no longer care free, how could I be.
I know I will never love again, and in true honesty I don’t wish to.
I know also I could turn back the hands of time, make a call and walk back into the office tomorrow and take off, where I left from, I could bring that dream back to life.
Wholeheartedly I don’t want to.
I enjoy the working from home with no pressure, I work only when I feel I want to. That just fine with me.
I still have one dream that will never fade, a dream so meaningful, so full of my heart and soul, which I know will never come true. A pointless, soul crushing dream, which once was so full of love, light, adventure, hope and so, so much more.
That dream haunts me but still I can not let go.
But against all odds, I’m happy in my own little way, even though life is far from where I would have loved to have been in so many different ways.
And even though at times my life seems worthless and empty, I know deep down that it’s not.
I have no idea what life has in store for me, if anything but just ticking along, taking one day at a time, making the most of what I have and who I have in my life and that’s pretty damn fine for me.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

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They say,
“Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”

I’ve always struggled with that concept because I truly believe that even while men put on a huge front not to show emotions, they feel them just as deep as us women, I believe that from the bottom of my heart.

I have only met two men that have been able to show their emotions, even talk about them at times, it was a sight to behold and maybe that was why I was drawn to them, one being in friendship, one being in earth shattering love.
Both were raised by their mothers and I always thought that maybe just maybe this was the reason they let their guild down a little. I do believe that walls were still in place, walls that would take more than a life time to break down but still it was warming to my soul.

I will never fully understand why men shy away from what the heart is screaming at them and why they guard their emotions with such strength and determination.
Do they somehow not see that us women need just a tiny insight into the hearts of the men we care about.
It really is the greatest gift to show someone who you care, so why hide behind the toughest wall to break – PRIDE.
Pride is funny thing, we all have it, we all face the battle against it and we all let it bite off our nose to spite our face.
There really is no shame in letting down your guard, letting you emotions rule your head, if only for a few minutes.

We all want to feel cared about, we all want that deeper connection, we all want to feel worthy, to feel loved.

So why is it easier for women to show all these tiny elements of someone’s heart and soul, than it is for a man?

Is it in their upbringing?
Is it a case of male pride?
Or is really just that they are incapable of showing what they are feeling? (I don’t believe that for one second)

Or is it a case that some women are so full of their own insecurities, self-worth, that every thoughtful look, every men to men conversation, every silent moment, they draw upon that as a negative emotion, do they really think everything is about them.
They are silent because they are thinking about you?
They are chatting to each other about you?

I swear that’s not the case because no one knows what’s going on in someone’s else’s head or heart, no ones life totally evolves around their partner or friends, and that’s a good thing.
Why would you want that?
Why would you want to lose the person you got to know, you began to care about and maybe even fell in love with.
Not a single soul can consume another persons thoughts 24 7, and rightly so because if that was the case, you’ve already lost the person who you have connected with, be it in friendship or love.
Ok, I’m sure we all like to think that the person or persons you hold dear, think about us from time to time. That when they do, a smile forms on their lips.
That smile alone specks volumes, it shows emotion, truth and heart and to me that great thing.
Maybe we should all look at the little things in life, friendship or love and words may no longer be needed.
Maybe the guys have it right, maybe they don’t.
All I know is that we all have emotions, we are all not good at speaking them or even showing them but it doesn’t mean they are not there. Fighting desperately to get out, pushing down pride, brick by brick. And even though that wall is still solid and unbreakable, you just need to have faith that men and even women may not be able to let their walls crumble, it doesn’t mean they don’t care, that they don’t love you, it means that they are human and struggle as all humans do.
My walls may be higher than ever before, they may be rooted deeper than anyone wishes to dig, but I still feel deeply, love wholeheartedly, and hurt intensely.