On the shelf

With all my friends settled or settling down, getting married and living out their happy ever after, I’m often asked when will it be my time.
My answer is a simple and pretty blunt one.

”It won’t!!!”

It’s funny because I once saw marriage as an escape, an escape from an unhappy home, an escape from my stepfather. My ticket out.
After many years of being so very unhappily married to a man who made me feel unlovable, weak and just damn right disgusting, I lost all faith in that happy ever after, that we all have been told about since before we could even string two words together. (Fairytales have a lot to answer to.)
I honestly believed that I would never find love, let alone that glorious happy ever after we all dream about.
In truth though I found it, I wholeheartedly found a love so mind blowing, it took every spec of air out of my lungs. It raced around my vains and my heart pumped faster than ever before.
I sincerely believe not many people get to find love like we once had, a love so intense it completes and destroys every single part of you.
A love of a life time or many lifetimes.

I would have married him in a heartbeat. I was so very much looking forward to growing old together and dying in each other’s arms. Spending our lives, loving each other.

So when that question comes over and over again, along with,
“When are you going to finally hook up with someone even if it’s just a one night stand?”
My answer is the simplest

“I’m not and I won’t!!!”

Because when you feel love so incredibly deeply, even if it isn’t returned, you would rather be stuck on the shelf for eternity than spent time or your bed with anyone else!!!

Three little things.

Three little things you may not know about me.

1• I use to believe that answers could be found in a bottom of a bottle.
Now I learnt/believe that not every question is answerable.

2• I’ve spent my life believing that I’m just not good enough, that I will never will be.
Now I can see that no one is perfect and that’s ok, that none perfect is actually perfect. That Perfection is in our little quirks.

3• I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that, we humans are all, one soul inhabiting two bodies and that you can only truly, fully be complete on finding the missing part of you!

My soul awakens

As the sun raises over the moors, the grass glistening as the rays dance off the morning dew. 

As the owl glides gracefully in search of his morning pray.

The dragonflies float aimlessly over the bubbling brook, as the butterflies whirl and twirl elegantly through the sun rays, my soul wakens to the beauty of life.

I struggle on

Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.

I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I’m a tough girl. A girl who  says “I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks”, a girl who says “yeah whatever” but in reality I’m soft, to bloody soft. 

I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me. I struggle with new people and even those that are close. 

I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality it’s shyness wrapped in defences.

I panic when asked about the future and I don’t make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety. 

I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because I’m looking to far ahead sets me on edge. 
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.

I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I don’t acheive through the fear to start. 

I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid. I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy. However if you tell me I can’t do something I’ll often go out my way to prove I can.

I’ve always try to do  better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up. This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I can’t.

But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.

Healing

Random thought of the day.

Healing is NOT an overnight process. It takes time. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re finally starting to heal and you’re happy again, the wound will reopen. Don’t give up, don’t get discouraged, some wounds will never heal completely. Take each day 1 step at a time and just try to be in a better place mentally than you were yesterday.

Would you? Would I?

Would you recognise me?

Life with all its troubles, all its joys, all its sadness, all its smiles and all it’s laughter, changes you, changes me.

With every frown, every smile, a new line of experience forms beautifully on your skin, my skin.

Every tear, every loss, every grief, darkens the light glowing from your soul, my soul. It echoes in your eyes, my eyes, fading that twinkle that once radiated life.

With every comfort eat, adding inches to your waist, my waist or with pain so deep, you just can’t swallow, loosing your cuddliness, my cuddliness, as the inch’s fall away.

Would you recognise me?

More importantly, do I ?