My soul awakens

As the sun raises over the moors, the grass glistening as the rays dance off the morning dew. 

As the owl glides gracefully in search of his morning pray.

The dragonflies float aimlessly over the bubbling brook, as the butterflies whirl and twirl elegantly through the sun rays, my soul wakens to the beauty of life.

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Its almost like

When I let my mind wander, to the time I was truly happy, this one song always comes on randomly. It’s almost like I’m being told to stop torturing myself, that Porter is up there somewhere looking out for me.

I struggle on

Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.

I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I’m a tough girl. A girl who  says “I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks”, a girl who says “yeah whatever” but in reality I’m soft, to bloody soft. 

I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me. I struggle with new people and even those that are close. 

I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality it’s shyness wrapped in defences.

I panic when asked about the future and I don’t make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety. 

I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because I’m looking to far ahead sets me on edge. 
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.

I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I don’t acheive through the fear to start. 

I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid. I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy. However if you tell me I can’t do something I’ll often go out my way to prove I can.

I’ve always try to do  better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up. This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I can’t.

But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.

Healing

Random thought of the day.

Healing is NOT an overnight process. It takes time. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re finally starting to heal and you’re happy again, the wound will reopen. Don’t give up, don’t get discouraged, some wounds will never heal completely. Take each day 1 step at a time and just try to be in a better place mentally than you were yesterday.

Would you? Would I?

Would you recognise me?

Life with all its troubles, all its joys, all its sadness, all its smiles and all it’s laughter, changes you, changes me.

With every frown, every smile, a new line of experience forms beautifully on your skin, my skin.

Every tear, every loss, every grief, darkens the light glowing from your soul, my soul. It echoes in your eyes, my eyes, fading that twinkle that once radiated life.

With every comfort eat, adding inches to your waist, my waist or with pain so deep, you just can’t swallow, loosing your cuddliness, my cuddliness, as the inch’s fall away.

Would you recognise me?

More importantly, do I ?

Strangely comforting

There is something strangely comforting about the way I have to sleep.
Laying kinda on my side, one arm about my head under the pillow where I hold a sleeve of a onesie I was once brought as a present.🎁
The other arm is wrapped tightly around a cushion I was once made, my blanket, duvet and necklace griped tightly in my hand drawn up close to my face.
I’ve tried and tried so many time to drift off to sleep in many different ways, sleep never comes.
Though I don’t wish to sleep this way, it’s also strangely comforting.