That moment

That moment when someone asks you…….

“Are you really ok ?”

You smile to yourself and think,

Yes I really am. 😁

I wish that feeling would come back.


Flashback Friday

imageWhat an end to the week, tears, tears and more tears.
Marly-Kate has cried buckets for the last two days and there isn’t anything I can do to help her.
Why does she hate school so much. It’s breaking my heart to see her sob so deeply.
And the worst part is I have to watch her every morning when the teacher prize her off my legs.
I hate that I can’t just say “that’s it, no more school”

On a happier note, our little kitten had his bits chopped off this week and he has transformed into a different kitten.
I now have one big soppy lap cat. It’s a far way from running at our legs jumping and claiming up that happens every time he want food, lol. 😜

So it’s that time again the rewind time and look back on old blog posts.
So here it is and it’s kind of perfect for the way I feel today.

What do you do with a bully???

It been a week of mixed emotions, from anger, hate, disappointment, disgust, love, compassion.
My baby girl, started school and she hates it.
She cries every morning to the point of being sick. She exhausts her self to the point she can’t breathe because a few children have taken a dislike to her because she is different from them.
Because she can’t run as fast, and play for as long as her.
Because she likes to sit and colour or read her books.

So what do you do with a bully ?

I think I have gone through every emotion possible.
From wanting to tell the children off, to making Marly-Kate stand up to herself and hit the little bullies, to feeling sorry for the children.
To disappointment in the children’s parents for not teaching them the meaning of compassion and that everyone is different.
The school haven’t been great, and I’m at the point of taking her out because I hate, hate, hate seeing her in pain.
But then it clicked that these poor children are not to blame but it’s the sick world we live in, it’s the media, their up bringing and how maybe they are treated at home.

All I can do now is try to have compassion for them and somehow get my daughter to understand that they just haven’t been brought up the way she has.
That not everyone has a pure heart and some people are just angry at the world.

All I hope right now is that they ease off her and they don’t change the beautiful caring loving soul that she is.
Getting her in the door of her class room is the hard part.

Flashback Friday

imageI’ve kind of been a bit confused what day of the week it is……it’s Friday right??????
Which means it flash back time but first things first, my week……. It’s flown by, I need to catch a breath, which I’m doing right now, sat by a roaring fire as summer seems to have left us, not for long though I hope.
My week has been crazy busy but boy wasn’t it fun.
Last weekend was a total blast and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I pick up my camera as I had a friend come to stay for the weekend, we snapped away happily on a beautiful sunny day by a lake covered in swans, a fun fair full of laughter in the distance and the most wonderful couple modelling in front of us.
I had forgotten how photography makes my mind race with ideas, that light dances freely and creates magic. I had forgotten how wonderful freedom of the mind is, I had forgotten a lot.
Magic was in the air as we captured delightful images and imbedded memories in our minds, I was free to turn my imagination into something that would last my lifetime and maybe even longer.
That day was pretty incredible and added to that I made life long friends.
To top it off, I got to drive a beast of a classic and boy she roared. It was like stepping back in time as my feet touched the peddles and the little gem warmed up with a little pull on the choke. To me those drives was so extra special, I felt free and alive.
Such an incredible weekend.
So my week has been busy, editing, designing, creating, and now finally relaxing while Marly-Kate rides tractors, dumpers, diggers, runs free in the fields and splashes in the bubbling broke. What more could we ask for.

So today, I think I’m going to step back in time to where it all started, my first ever blog post.
I love this one, I was happy, in love and even though life was hard, I had the most beautiful soul in my life, the love of my life, my best friend, I was nearly so very nearly the most happiest I’ve ever been. ❤️
Little did I know that life would become even more beautiful, that every second with him was a magical dream, little did I know that I could fall any deeper in love than I was then.
I did, I fall so, so deeply that our love consumed me. Life was amazing and every waking second I fall deeper and deeper in love with Ross.
He was not only my best friend, but my whole heart and soul, the one and Only love of my life and still with all the pain, heartbreak, tears, devastation that followed, my heart, my soul, my everything still and will Always belong to him.💓
No matter how hard I try, it just won’t fade, it’s won’t stop, it won’t let me move forward, but you no what, I’m kinda content with that, because nothing, no one will ever, ever, ever, compare to Ross. No love can warm like ours did, no touch could ever melt like his did.
I’m just so happy that I had that, that he loved me, even if only for a short while. 💔

Anyway, let’s get off that, and get back to the whole meaning for this post………

It’s Friday. 😃
And without further ado, I give you…..

Floating ☁️

In the corner of my mind and deep with in my soul, I live in a beautiful world filled with love, sweetness and butterflies.
Everything is wonderfully light and magical.
I think they call this LOVE.
And I find this is true for I, this small town girl, am in love with my knight, my hero, my soul re connected.
The feeling sends me floating in the breeze to where I feel tenderness, warmth and passion.
No single word including love will ever take on the meaning of the feelings that this small town boy has given me.
As we float and our life’s unfold together into new beginnings, of hope, love and fairytale endings, maybe your floating to and can share in our quest to find our happy ever after.
And while we live in heaven right now, it’s not always been this simple, we have fought many battles, slayed dragons, and battled many demons, but one thing is for sure the fight is worth while and as we dance on rainbows and take in the beauty of this feeling, my love grows ever so stronger and I am winning the battle.

Flashback Friday

imageGood morning and happy Friday.
Do you have that Friday feeling?
Well what a stressful week I’ve had.
Mainly down to others bad moods, that seem to be spiralling out of control.
They say a smile can spread easily so can a frown. It’s surprising how fast moods rub off onto others.
I say to you grumpy sods who have stressed me out this week, “Slap on a smile, even if you have to fake it”
Remember if the wind changes your face will stay like that. 😝
So what’s been going on in my little world this week.
Firstly its tax bill time, how I hate handing over my hard-earned money to the tax man but it has to be done, £3500 lighter and I’ll have to do it all again in January, the joys of being self-employed.🤑
Secondly, its school holidays which has to be my favourite time of the year. So this week has been full of fun, games and creating. Throw in snuggles on the sofa watching Disney films, picnics at the park and short but sweet bike rides.
Add the normal everyday tasks and a few hours work here and there and daily trips to have my blood tests and venesection if needed.
All in all, life is good, when you step past the grumpy faces and the mood swings of my cousin and others.

So once again it’s that time to share an old blog post with you.
This one was one of the hardest I have ever written and the shame I feel hits like a ton of bricks.
Thankfully I have turned a corner and I haven’t done this for a good few years now, you’ll understand what I’m on about when you read the post below.

It’s very hard to post this again as the shame and judgement eats away at me but if it can help just one person it has to be worth it.
So without further ado I give you……..

The first cut is the deepest.

My mum has asked me to write a blog, to try to explain to her why I self harm.

She asked me to try to make her understand why I would put myself at danger and why is it so hard to express my feeling in any other way.

I have self harmed since I was about 10 years old, I have always had it under control.
I’m sure reading that, you are thinking “under control, how on earth is that controlled ?”
When I say controlled I mean, I used a clean blade, made sure someone was always at home, incase I cut too deep.
That I cleaned and dressed the cut.

So maybe you are thinking freak, well you would be within your right to think so.
But please bare with me while I try to explain this the best I can.
I believe this will be the hardest blog I will ever write and I am putting myself out there to be judged by you all.
A huge risk for me to take, but if I can put my Mum’s mind at rest and even help someone out there understand a little, I believe that it is worth the risk.

I will always remember my first cut, the pain was incredible, and seeing the blood, made me feel sick and if I am honest I looked at myself and thought ” OMG I’m a freak”
I now can not remember why I made that first cut or why I did it again.
One cut I remember above all the others, I was 12 years old.
I had been through an awful chapter in my life and I felt so much emotional pain that I did not know how to deal with it.
I felt totally alone in my life and I had no one to turn to.
I picked up a Stanly blade and without any thought to it I cut my wrist.
I didn’t even notice the pain, I felt a release of all the emotional pain built up inside, leaking with my blood.
All the hurt and anger pumped out of me and I felt free for the first time in months.

After that with every cut I made, my pain drained out, my soul was free, and disappointment was gone.

But Cutting is an addiction that you cannot stop once you’ve started, that’s why its such a tragedy.
You cut to feel better but the whole time you are risking your own life.
What if you cut too deep and you can’t be saved ?
Last year, this nearly happened, I was lost and I cut too deeply and ended up in hospital. I nearly died.
If it was not for two certain people I would not be here to tell this tale. I thank them for keeping me alive.

I still didn’t learn and I cut again and again
Its was EASIER to deal with the Physical pain then the Emotional pain
But then I saw the light, I saw a different view on life and now I hardly cut at all and when I do, it doesn’t give me the sense of freedom, it hurts and I am disappointed in myself.
It’s adds to the problems, and you know what, those problems are nothing compared to others. So why am I letting them get to me.

My scars may have faded with the help of laser treatment and the depression suppressed but the urge will always be with me.
I am sure as sure that I can beat it.
Instead of looking at the bad I’m trying to see the good that surrounds me, every day is a new beginning and a new page in my book of life.
And as I have said many times, ” life is for living, a gift.”
So when I go to hurt myself, I step back and think about what if it goes wrong, what am I leaving behind, and I know that life is worth having the bad days for.
With out the bad your can’t see how good the good really is.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived..sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.
That’s what living is all about.

Self harm may help you for a split second, but the long-term damage is not worth it.
Please if you ever feel like it’s the only way, count to 10 look around you and see something beautiful, a smile, a picture, a flower, a friend, remember a perfect memory, think of your dreams and tell yourself, to be strong.
And if all else fails, remember you are loved and not alone. There are people to talk to.

And if you still can’t shake the feeling, remember this blog and throw me a message, maybe I could help.

Flashback Friday

image It’s Friday, and that means one thing, it’s Flashback time. 😃

Before that though, how fast are the weeks rolling into months into our own memories.
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, it’s hasn’t stopped. Two apparently awesome weekends, spent with amazing people. Loads of laughter, smiles and totally silliness. It’s been fun and it’s not over yet, it’s the weekend after all. 😜
Life is flying by, there is not enough time in the day but there is always tomorrow.
Any way back to it.
Today I’m sharing with you a flash back from many moons ago, when life was simple but just didn’t seem that way then. If the hands of time could tick backwards I would love to do it all again but how different I would be.
My head would be down and I would want to listen, I would want to learn. I would want to give myself the best chance at life I could but I wouldn’t change the fun, the laughter, the mischief.
So without further ado, I give you

Today I have been reading my old school reports, they did make me laugh. It’s good to smile 🙂

Thought I would share a few parts with you.
It’s shocking really.
Got to say I wasn’t the brightest, or driven pupil. I hated school.

Tutor comments.
Although at times a little disorganized Roseanne is a very enthusiastic and cheerful pupil who is always willing to help.
After a somewhat shakey term I am pleased to report that Roseanne has settled down and now seems far happier. Roseanne is a very caring and considerate pupil and an asset to the group.

Roseanne has made steady progress. Her ability to write and enjoy poetry is evident, and her use of language is increasingly more confident.

Mathematics Faculty.
Roseanne must try to be more organised in her approach to lessons and homework. I’m sure that a little more concentration would result in a more overall standard.

Roseanne has had an unsettled term. Her work has been very untidy and she has been forgetting about handing in her book for marking. Overall test result is 49%.

Religious Studies.
Test result 24%, this is very disappointing.
Handwriting and presentation requires special care.

Continues to mature in ideas and presentation.

Physical Education Faculty.
Unfortunately Roseanne has yet to reveal her full potential, as all too often she appears content to take a back seat, despite the fact that she is an extremely talented pupil capable of achieving high levels of success.
Roseanne has produced a particularly high standard of work this term. Despite struggling with her tennis she is always willing to accept advice in an attempt to improve. However her commitment to Athletics has been over whelming and worthy of great praise.
Roseanne is a regular attender of after school clubs and has represented the u13 athletics team.

Hmmmm, how bad is

Flashback Friday

It’s Friday, whoop, whoop
Time to reflect
So without further ado, I give you……
Our hearts are drunk with beauty, our eyes could not see.

I read something today, which made me think about beauty and image.

If Barbie was an actual woman, she would be 5’9” tall, have a 39” bust, an 18” waist, 33” hips and a size 3 shoe. Her head would be the same circumference as her waist, meaning she’d have room for only half a liver and a few inches of intestines. The result: chronic diarrhea and death. Also, she would not be able to menstruate. If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions, her feet are so disproportionately small, her chest would pull her forward onto her toes.
Barbie calls this a “full figure” and likes her weight at 110 lbs. At 5’9” tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 and fit the weight criteria for anorexia. Because Barbie’s neck is twice as long as the average human’s, it would be impossible for her to hold up her head.

And yet this is the ‘person’ almost every teenage girl longs to look like.

I have worked in fashion for over ten years now, but I hold very different views to many others in the business.
I don’t follow trends and dress to please me and not others
To feel comfy is the most important in my books.
Why dress like everyone else just to fit in.
Why be a sheep, just to feel like you are on the same level as others around you.
Each person is very different in personality so why not show this through what you wear.
Show the real you.
If people are going to be your friend, shouldn’t it be for who you are and not what you wear.
It should be about inner beauty, that shines from your soul.

As for what makes us beautiful, what is it that people see?
Do they see just your shape, your size, your bottom or your bust, and make their judgement, just on these?

Is it your face, your bone structure ?
Or do they look deeper ?
Your smile, your eyes, the way you play with your hair, or stick out your tongue while thinking.
Is there something more than we first see ?
Is there an energy that draws them to you. Inner beauty maybe?

For me on first glance it’s the eyes that capture my mind and heart.
Looks do not mean anything, your just a shell of bones, muscle, fat and skin.
What lies beneath this shell is what I call beauty.
This is you.

Not the clothes you wear, the make up you plaster on, in an aid to make yourself more beautiful.
Strip away the make up, and you are already more beautiful.
Look deeper at a person to see who they really are, who you really are.
For Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.

Rejoice in the lines that grow with age, as each have a story to tell.
Dress how you want, be as wild or as plain as it suits you.

As my dad tells me often
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart”

So why is it, that some people can not see past skin, body shape or the clothes they wear?
Why do we feel we have to follow trends and fit in ?
Why have we become clones of each other.
Why are we loosing our own personalities to fit in ?

I hope to blog about this at a later date, but it’s food for thought for you.
And please remember, these are just my views. They could be wrong or right.
It’s up to you to find your own and grow as a person through what you believe in.
Never give up your own views or personality to suit others
Be head strong and true to yourself because only you have to live with yourself .

Stay safe and free
Be you .

Flashback Friday

It’s Friday, whoop, whoop.
Another week is over, this year is flying by already, I can’t believe it’s April already.
I’ve had a learning curve of a week, one of extreme highs and lows, days of feeling that the world is a very cruel, judgemental, nasty place. But also I’ve been able to see the good in life also.
I’ve learnt that some people are just out there to cause an argument and hurt people’s feeling just because they can.
Judgement has always been a strong hate of mine, Sadly it got the better of me this week and brought me feelings of anger to tears. Why can’t people just be nice to each other.😤
Anyway with that said and done, it’s time to burry those feelings and live life the best I can with the road I’m traveling on.
Life is what you make it, and we should all try to enjoy it the best we can, because life is way to short.
The flashback below is a reminder that life can change at any given moment.

To be loved ❤️

It’s been a while since a last blogged, sorry about that.
Life got taken over and I had no control.
One minute I was pottering around at home and the next thing I knew, I woke up in hospital nearly a week later, with my mum and dad holding my hand at my bedside.

It’s so funny how one minute I was in certain place, the next somewhere different and I have lost days.
It’s a strange feeling to say the least.

All I can say is Thank you to the people in my life that pulled together in my hours of need, from baby sitting my wonderful daughter, to looking after my puppy and spoiling them both rotten. To all my friends, packing up my house ready for my life changing move.
That must have been so hard for them, not knowing if they were packing up for a move or if they were packing up my belongings incase I didn’t pull through.
Guys I really can not thank you enough, you all are truly inspirational and wonderful friends.

The best thing about this whole situation was seeing my daughter and pups faces when I arrived home yesterday.
No sure which one wanted more cuddles.
It sure was a mad dash to see who could get to me the fastest.
Very very cute and heart warming.
That feeling of being loved is overwhelming and such a great feeling.
I guess it takes a grave situation to see how very lucky I am.
And even though I feel like I have been pulled through a hedge backwards, I really couldn’t feel more loved than I do right now.

I have forgotten how nice it feels, the strange thing is it’s always been there but I guess we all wear shutters to the delights of every day feelings.
We are all so blessed everyday, we just need to take a minute to look around, open our hearts and let ourselves feel it.

Right now I feel very lucky to feel air in my lungs, sun on my skin and love in my heart.

No matter what life throws at you, the knowing that you are never alone is over powering and it gives me a reason to keep fighting.
Life is way to short, I’ve learnt this lesson the hard way over the last few years.
But some moments which turn into memories makes life beautiful and breathtaking.

Flashback Friday

imageFlashback Friday is here again.
This one means the world to me and brought tears rolling down my cheeks.
I guess this is why I wrote my journals for Ross and why I blog so I never will forget days like these.

Weak at the knees.

You wrote this to me today and WOW just WOW you summed up how I feel for you perfectly.

“when being without your partner hurts, when minutes apart feels like hours, when you are together time goes far to quick, when you would rather have them screaming in your face than not hearing from them at all. when they tell you they love you and you know they mean it, when it makes your body warm and you feel safe. you will know when you are in love.” ❤️❤️❤️

How do you do it?
You make me fall in love with you deeper and deeper every second, every minute, every hour.
You truly make me weak at the knees, you take my breath away, you consume every inch of me.
You are my world, my everything, my soul.
I love you, I really love you. I always will love you.