The fear is real

Have you ever been scared to open a bedroom door because you just don’t know what is going to greet you on the other side.
Every morning since the accident I fear what awaits me when I have to go and wake him.
I know the struggle he’s facing, the emotions he’s hiding and the heartbreak he’s living through.
This young man who has done nothing wrong but save the life’s of the people who now want to take everything they can from him.
Yes he was driving the car, yes he had control of the heap of metal that span out of control, when the animal ran in front of him.
He handled the situation the best he could and I’m extremely proud of that fact.
I’m proud that he made them belt up, I’m proud he did everything he could to avoid the tree that came towards him at what must have seemed a million miles an hour. I’m proud that he managed to stop the car from rolling. I’m proud that he saved the life’s of the others.
The same lad who has nightmares, who has pulled so deep into himself because he can’t handle that his so-called friends were hurt, not killed but hurt mainly seatbelt injuries.
The same lad who can’t live with what has happened and the backlash from the families.
Hasn’t he been through enough already?

He’s struggling, really struggling and I’m scared what he may do to himself. Just a week before the accident he had told me that if he ever hurt or killed anyone in a car accident, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself and he would take his own life.
I get that, I really do because I know myself that I wouldn’t be able to live with it to.
Every morning when I have to wake him, I’m petrified what I will find on the other side of his door.
Will he be breathing? Would he have taken his own life.
It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to have that fear run through you.
A young lad, who is caring, compassionate and loyal and wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose.
He’s a hero in my eyes.

Wish me luck

imageAfter the day I had yesterday, I have to remind myself that “Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life and smile.”

I try so hard to stay positive, to walk through treatment with a smile on my face and an attitude to not let those cruel illnesses beat me.
Yesterday though, lupus kicked my ass to the ground and kicked the sh** out of me, leaving me with the feelings of desperation, fear, exhaustion, failure, and not a pinch of hope.
Yesterday took the light and turned it into a scary, very dark blackness.
How can one day of treatment, knock you so hard that the will to conquer and take the winning flag, couldn’t be further from my mind.
As I sit here dreading today’s hospital visit, knowing that today could knock ten ton of crap out of me again is a terrifying thought.
The thought alone of having that huge needle stabbed into me and pushed and wiggled around is a fear I have never once had, today though the thought of it, make my tummy turn and I want to run, run as far away as I possibly can.
It’s not the pain really, I can tolerate that, it’s the fear of what will come out or won’t come out.
The fear of seeing the colour of my blood, the thickness, the slowness of the flow, but most of all the blood clots.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of blood, I have no fear at all of it, but after my blood clotted in the tubes also blocking the needle, I don’t really fancy seeing that again, feeling the fear that, my blood is pumping around my body like that.
Also the fear of seeing the nurse’s faces of how horrified they were at the speed of how fast I was clotting, on top of that, the look on their faces, as if to say, I have better things to do then to sit her with you for over four hours to only manage to take not even half a pint of blood and the relief on their faces when they decide to give up on trying to get the rest of the pint out of me.
How can less than half a pint of blood take that long to get out, 5 minutes max it should take to give a pint of blood.
I’m sure they are dreading me going today as much as I am.
But I’m going to slap on that smile, that positive attitude and try my up most to not cry.
So here’s to a good day, where lupus, gets a kicking.
Wish me luck, not that I need it, right?

Perfected their weapons.

imageThe feeling you get when your partner be it your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, not only scares you but when he/she hurts you for that very first time.
No other fear is like it,
It doesn’t ever stop !!!
You never become less scared only more.
You want to give them the benefit of the dealt so you forgive and try to forget, you don’t want to believe they are capable of laying their hands on you.
You tell yourself, it’s you not them, you’re the one at fault for not loving them enough, not being worthy, not carrying out your jobs properly.

But you don’t or won’t let yourself believe that they raised their hand to you, that they made you feel weak and scared, so scared that you know you should turn away from them with your finger in the air.
But you don’t !!!
You just blame yourself instead. They scare every inch of self-worth out of you and you truly believe, you are to blame.
They make you believe.

Once they feel that power in them, it will never leave. It will only grow.
Be it a slap, a punch, grabbing you and holding you with force, it will only grow with time.
It’s like part off them is rooting inside, forming a different being which slowly takes over.
They have the power

Your this tiny soul who is scared of their own shadow as they slowly but surely grow with the power they hold over you.
Like the monster under your bed, when you give them the power by feeding them with your fear, they make you shake in your shoes, they make the dark darker, the air you breathe thicker, the light in your soul, fade faster than anything or anyone has ever done.
Fear eats slowly away at you.

Please have faith to believe that the first time won’t be the last, no matter how sorry they say they are, no matter how they try to make amends, the control the power has been felt and they will want more.
It won’t stop, it will never stop until you find your inner strength and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

DO NOT let the hidden monster win, they will never change, no matter how hard they try.
The power of fear will rear its ugly head once more, be it a day, a week, a month or a year.
The fire has been lit and it will soar.