Flashback Friday

As this week is coming to a closure, I’m looking back at my week and thinking to myself, it hasn’t been the worst week but not the best either.
I wonder why some weeks are so much harder than others and why life keeps sending us to our knees.
Why do some people have an easy ride, when others stumble at ever bump in the road?
Is it because we are strong enough to come through it, have we got a seed planted deep within us, that somehow gives us what we need to survive?
It really does puzzle me why some get a near on impossible hand in life and other sail though with their perfect life, lovers and mind-set.
What is it that makes them so special that life is practically handed to them on a plate while over struggle to even put food on theirs so they can feed their children?
Life is such a mystery and at times, more times than I care to think about a cruel, evil place.
Thankfully I can look around me a see the beautiful that this world gives us, but I will never understand why some people just want to set out to destroy.
Take my neighbor for instance. She comes across as this sweet old lady, who has all the time in the world to chitchat across the fence. 👵🏻 The next minute though she is slating everyone she knows. She doesn’t leave it there though, she reports everyone, I mean everyone, yes even me. Apparently one BBQ means I’m constantly having bomb-fires in my garden, I’m not kidding you. We have had one BBQ and within a week we had a complaint from the council. The next was a complaint about barking, there has been a few of them now. I admit my puppy barks at the postman, isn’t that his job though?
Talking of the postman, she has just reported him because I made him a coffee. Now his job is on the line. (Uncalled for, totally uncalled for)
Considering I live in the country and we are meant to have that country bond thing going on, it’s seriously like being back in high school.
Why would someone want to make people’s life’s miserable, why would you do that? How can one find pleasure in other pain?
I will never understand it.
Shouldn’t neighbours be there through good and bad. It’s not even like we live in council house, we all own our houses, so she can’t get us moved on. I honestly think she has nothing better to do and just likes to cause misery.

So as this week draws to an end, the sun is shining, freedom is hours away and the world is ours, it’s time to look back to times passed so without further ado I’ll wish you an awesome weekend and give you………

A Million Scars.

I have hit a milestone and have not self harmed for a while now.
Kinda proud considering how hard life has been, but I made a promise which I plan to keep.

So as a little celebration to myself, I thought I would share this with you.
I know if I had read it before I made that first cut, I would have thought twice about picking up that blade.
Hopefully it may help someone, who may just happen to stumble across it here.

Before you make that first cut, remember.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily.
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live–
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting–
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut “too deep.”
And you freak out because the blood won’t stop…
And you are gasping…
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone…
Praying it will be okay–
Swearing you’ll never let it go this far again…
But you will, and further….
Don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat every time you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips–
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings…
Betadine…
Antibiotic cream…
Medical tape…
Scar reducers…
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice–
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands–
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won’t be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe.
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots…
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won’t be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool…
Scissors…a car key…a needle…a paperclip…even a pen.
Doesn’t matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals… sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting.
At the same time you love it and can not live without it…

Author unknown

Flashback Friday

imageGood morning and happy Friday.
Do you have that Friday feeling?
Well what a stressful week I’ve had.
Mainly down to others bad moods, that seem to be spiralling out of control.
They say a smile can spread easily so can a frown. It’s surprising how fast moods rub off onto others.
I say to you grumpy sods who have stressed me out this week, “Slap on a smile, even if you have to fake it”
Remember if the wind changes your face will stay like that. 😝
So what’s been going on in my little world this week.
Firstly its tax bill time, how I hate handing over my hard-earned money to the tax man but it has to be done, £3500 lighter and I’ll have to do it all again in January, the joys of being self-employed.🤑
Secondly, its school holidays which has to be my favourite time of the year. So this week has been full of fun, games and creating. Throw in snuggles on the sofa watching Disney films, picnics at the park and short but sweet bike rides.
Add the normal everyday tasks and a few hours work here and there and daily trips to have my blood tests and venesection if needed.
All in all, life is good, when you step past the grumpy faces and the mood swings of my cousin and others.

So once again it’s that time to share an old blog post with you.
This one was one of the hardest I have ever written and the shame I feel hits like a ton of bricks.
Thankfully I have turned a corner and I haven’t done this for a good few years now, you’ll understand what I’m on about when you read the post below.

It’s very hard to post this again as the shame and judgement eats away at me but if it can help just one person it has to be worth it.
So without further ado I give you……..

The first cut is the deepest.

My mum has asked me to write a blog, to try to explain to her why I self harm.

She asked me to try to make her understand why I would put myself at danger and why is it so hard to express my feeling in any other way.

I have self harmed since I was about 10 years old, I have always had it under control.
I’m sure reading that, you are thinking “under control, how on earth is that controlled ?”
When I say controlled I mean, I used a clean blade, made sure someone was always at home, incase I cut too deep.
That I cleaned and dressed the cut.

So maybe you are thinking freak, well you would be within your right to think so.
But please bare with me while I try to explain this the best I can.
I believe this will be the hardest blog I will ever write and I am putting myself out there to be judged by you all.
A huge risk for me to take, but if I can put my Mum’s mind at rest and even help someone out there understand a little, I believe that it is worth the risk.

I will always remember my first cut, the pain was incredible, and seeing the blood, made me feel sick and if I am honest I looked at myself and thought ” OMG I’m a freak”
I now can not remember why I made that first cut or why I did it again.
One cut I remember above all the others, I was 12 years old.
I had been through an awful chapter in my life and I felt so much emotional pain that I did not know how to deal with it.
I felt totally alone in my life and I had no one to turn to.
I picked up a Stanly blade and without any thought to it I cut my wrist.
I didn’t even notice the pain, I felt a release of all the emotional pain built up inside, leaking with my blood.
All the hurt and anger pumped out of me and I felt free for the first time in months.

After that with every cut I made, my pain drained out, my soul was free, and disappointment was gone.

But Cutting is an addiction that you cannot stop once you’ve started, that’s why its such a tragedy.
You cut to feel better but the whole time you are risking your own life.
What if you cut too deep and you can’t be saved ?
Last year, this nearly happened, I was lost and I cut too deeply and ended up in hospital. I nearly died.
If it was not for two certain people I would not be here to tell this tale. I thank them for keeping me alive.

I still didn’t learn and I cut again and again
Its was EASIER to deal with the Physical pain then the Emotional pain
But then I saw the light, I saw a different view on life and now I hardly cut at all and when I do, it doesn’t give me the sense of freedom, it hurts and I am disappointed in myself.
It’s adds to the problems, and you know what, those problems are nothing compared to others. So why am I letting them get to me.

My scars may have faded with the help of laser treatment and the depression suppressed but the urge will always be with me.
I am sure as sure that I can beat it.
Instead of looking at the bad I’m trying to see the good that surrounds me, every day is a new beginning and a new page in my book of life.
And as I have said many times, ” life is for living, a gift.”
So when I go to hurt myself, I step back and think about what if it goes wrong, what am I leaving behind, and I know that life is worth having the bad days for.
With out the bad your can’t see how good the good really is.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived..sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.
That’s what living is all about.

Self harm may help you for a split second, but the long-term damage is not worth it.
Please if you ever feel like it’s the only way, count to 10 look around you and see something beautiful, a smile, a picture, a flower, a friend, remember a perfect memory, think of your dreams and tell yourself, to be strong.
And if all else fails, remember you are loved and not alone. There are people to talk to.

And if you still can’t shake the feeling, remember this blog and throw me a message, maybe I could help.

Flashback Friday

Enough week is coming to an end, the clock is slowly ticking closer to the weekend.
And once again it’s time to rewind back the clock to past blogs.
While looking back to find a blog post to share, I released that on the 19th Feb, I have written a few powerful post.
It was hard to pick one, 3 of them are in the running but I have decided to post one that may help others.
I will admit it makes me sick to the stomach to post this and shame and embarrassment washes over me and once again I have to put myself in the firing line of judgement in hopes that it may just help someone.
On a positive note, one I am very proud of, I have kept a promise, that I made to Ross, that I wouldn’t ever do this again and I have NOT.
I’ve kept that promise alive.
So here goes……………..

The first cut is the deepest.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/02/19/the-first-cut-is-the-deepest/

My mum has asked me to write a blog, to try to explain to her why I self harm.
She asked me to try to make her understand why I would put myself at danger and why is it so hard to express my feelings without hurting myself.

I have self harmed since I was about 10 years old, and I believed I always had it under control.
I’m sure reading that, you are thinking, “Under control, how on earth is that controlled?”
When I say controlled I mean, I always use a clean blade, made sure someone was always at home, incase I cut too deep, that I cleaned and dressed the cut.

So maybe you are thinking Freak, well you would be within your right to think so.
But please bare with me while I try to explain this the best I can.
I believe this will be the hardest blog I will ever write and I am putting myself out there to be judged by you all.
A huge risk for me to take, but if I can put my mum’s mind at rest and even help someone out there understand a little, I believe that it is worth the risk.

I will always remember my first cut, the pain was incredible, and seeing the blood, made me feel sick and if I am honest I looked at myself and thought ” OMG I’m a freak”
I now can not remember why I made that first cut or why I did it again.
 (Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all, or I would remember why I did it.)

One cut I remember above all the others, I was about 12 years old.
I had been through an awful chapter in my life and I felt so much emotional pain that I did not know how to deal with it.
I felt totally alone in my life and I had no one to turn to.
I picked up a blade and without any thought to it, I cut my wrist.
I didn’t even notice the pain, I felt a release of all the emotional pain built up inside, leaking out with my blood.
All the hurt and anger pumped out of me and I felt free for the first time in months.
After that with every cut I made, my pain drained out, my soul was free, and disappointment was gone.

But Cutting is an addiction that you cannot stop once you’ve started, that’s why it’s such a tragedy.
You cut to feel better, sadly though, the whole time you are risking your own life.
What if you cut too deep and you end up killing yourself?
Last year, this nearly happened, I was lost and I cut too deeply and ended up in hospital. I nearly died.
If it was not for two certain people, one who knows me better than I know myself, he called for help which in turn, lead to me being taken to hospital, given blood transfusions etc.

I cannot really remember much about that day, but I know, I would not be here to tell this tale if it wasn’t for them.
I thank them for keeping me alive.

I still didn’t learn and I cut again and again, 
It’s was EASIER to deal with the Physical pain then the Emotional pain.
For some reason I saw the light, I saw a different view on life and now I hardly cut at all and when I do, it doesn’t give me the sense of freedom, it hurts and I am disappointed in myself.
It adds to the problems, and you know what, those problems are nothing compared to others.
So why am I letting them get to me.
My scars may have faded with the help of laser treatment and the depression suppressed but the urge will always be with me.
I am sure as sure, can be, that I can beat it, I want to beat it.

Instead of looking at the bad I’m trying to see the good that surrounds me.
Every day is a new beginning and a new page in my book of life.
As I have said many times,
” Life is for living, a gift.”
So when I go to cut myself, I now step back and think about,

what if it goes wrong? what am I leaving behind?

and then I see that life is worth having the bad days for.
With out the bad your can not see how good the good really is.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived, sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.
That’s what living is all about.

Self harm may help you for a split second, but the long-term damage is not worth it.
Please if you ever feel like it’s the only way, count to 10 look around you and see something beautiful,
a Smile, a Picture, a Flower, a Friend, remember a perfect Memory, think of your dreams, you still want to come true and tell yourself, to be strong.
If all else fails, remember you are loved and not alone. There are people to talk to who care and love you, for who you are.
Every cut you make hurts them to.

If you still can’t shake the feeling, remember this blog and throw me a message, maybe I could help.

Blast from the past

imageI came across something I wrote a few years ago and thought I would share it with you, just in case it can help someone, somewhere who is struggling. So here goes……

There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.

Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.

Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.

Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my truly amazing boyfriend/soul mate, my family, friends and my doctors, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.

You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?

Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.

My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put me in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.

When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.

The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.

Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.

My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on social media, that seems depressing please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention.
That person could really need your help.
Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.