Emotionally

Today I stepped back in time as we splashed in muddy puddles, played poo sticks, ran as fast as we could to find the perfect hiding place, giggling uncontrollably until our laughter gave us away, made a rope swing over the newly fast flowing river and let excitement of youth overcome us.
It was refreshing and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. Freedom is such a beautiful feeling that comes not often enough. It really did feel amazing to laugh as we had once had before adulthood took hold.
Until…..
It was my trillionth turn on the rope swing, pushing harder and higher than I had dared to before, as I lost control and felt myself beginning to fall.
Rich, bless him, jumped into the water hoping to break my fall. His hand came to mine and without even realising it, my body froze and withdrew, landing in the freezing cold water below. As Marly-Kate, screeched with delight, clapping her hands for all her worth, time slowed to nearly a stop as I watched Rich hand come towards mine and faster than light retreat.
Pain washed over his face, as he turned and retreated out the water as fast as he could.
Those few seconds lasted in my mind a billion hours, as that deep gut punch hit me.
When did I fear human touch so much, that I would put fear into a friend whom only wanted to help me? Would it have been that bad for me to take his hand and let him help me out of the ice-cold water.
Why am I so weak that I can’t see that my hang ups, hurt the few people I care about.
Touch, especially hand holding, to me is extremely personal and ever since I was with Ross, I haven’t been able to let anyone touch me, even a hug from my mum, I pull away. If my hand is touched, I pull away without even thinking about it.
I know that no one can ever make me feel how Ross made me feel, no one ever could even come close, to how it felt when any part of our bodies touched, I can’t even begin to try to explain it, we just fitted, even melted together.
I have never felt anything like it and I never will or want to feel that with anyone else, it’s just not possible anyway.
But still I can’t stand for anyone, I seriously mean anyone to told my hand, comfort me, care for me.
And I’m deeply sorry for that, I’m sorry if I hurt you Rich, I’m sorry that you felt that you had to turn from me so I you wouldn’t have to feel the rejection that we both knew would follow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m so emotionally scarred, I can’t even let one of my closest most loyal friend lend me a hand.

To be loved ❤️

imageIt’s been a while since a last blogged, sorry about that.
Life got taken over and I had no control.
One minute I was pottering around at home and the next thing I knew, I woke up in hospital nearly a week later, with my mum and dad holding my hand at my bedside.

It’s so funny how one minute I was in certain place, the next somewhere different and I have lost days.
It’s a strange feeling to say the least.

All I can say is Thank you to the people in my life that pulled together in my hours of need, from baby sitting my wonderful daughter, to looking after my puppy and spoiling them both rotten. To all my friends, packing up my house ready for my life changing move.
That must have been so hard for them, not knowing if they were packing up for a move or if they were packing up my belongings incase I didn’t pull through.
Guys I really can not thank you enough, you all are truly inspirational and wonderful friends.

The best thing about this whole situation was seeing my daughter and pups faces when I arrived home yesterday.
No sure which one wanted more cuddles.
It sure was a mad dash to see who could get to me the fastest.
Very very cute and heart warming.
That feeling of being loved is overwhelming and such a great feeling.
I guess it takes a grave situation to see how very lucky I am.
And even though I feel like I have been pulled through a hedge backwards, I really couldn’t feel more loved than I do right now.

I have forgotten how nice it feels, the strange thing is it’s always been there but I guess we all wear shutters to the delights of every day feelings.
We are all so blessed everyday, we just need to take a minute to look around, open our hearts and let ourselves feel it.

Right now I feel very lucky to feel air in my lungs, sun on my skin and love in my heart.

No matter what life throws at you, the knowing that you are never alone is over powering and it gives me a reason to keep fighting.
Life is way to short, I’ve learnt this lesson the hard way over the last few years.
But some moments which turn into memories makes life beautiful and breathtaking.