Flashback Friday

As this week is coming to a closure, I’m looking back at my week and thinking to myself, it hasn’t been the worst week but not the best either.
I wonder why some weeks are so much harder than others and why life keeps sending us to our knees.
Why do some people have an easy ride, when others stumble at ever bump in the road?
Is it because we are strong enough to come through it, have we got a seed planted deep within us, that somehow gives us what we need to survive?
It really does puzzle me why some get a near on impossible hand in life and other sail though with their perfect life, lovers and mind-set.
What is it that makes them so special that life is practically handed to them on a plate while over struggle to even put food on theirs so they can feed their children?
Life is such a mystery and at times, more times than I care to think about a cruel, evil place.
Thankfully I can look around me a see the beautiful that this world gives us, but I will never understand why some people just want to set out to destroy.
Take my neighbor for instance. She comes across as this sweet old lady, who has all the time in the world to chitchat across the fence. 👵🏻 The next minute though she is slating everyone she knows. She doesn’t leave it there though, she reports everyone, I mean everyone, yes even me. Apparently one BBQ means I’m constantly having bomb-fires in my garden, I’m not kidding you. We have had one BBQ and within a week we had a complaint from the council. The next was a complaint about barking, there has been a few of them now. I admit my puppy barks at the postman, isn’t that his job though?
Talking of the postman, she has just reported him because I made him a coffee. Now his job is on the line. (Uncalled for, totally uncalled for)
Considering I live in the country and we are meant to have that country bond thing going on, it’s seriously like being back in high school.
Why would someone want to make people’s life’s miserable, why would you do that? How can one find pleasure in other pain?
I will never understand it.
Shouldn’t neighbours be there through good and bad. It’s not even like we live in council house, we all own our houses, so she can’t get us moved on. I honestly think she has nothing better to do and just likes to cause misery.

So as this week draws to an end, the sun is shining, freedom is hours away and the world is ours, it’s time to look back to times passed so without further ado I’ll wish you an awesome weekend and give you………

A Million Scars.

I have hit a milestone and have not self harmed for a while now.
Kinda proud considering how hard life has been, but I made a promise which I plan to keep.

So as a little celebration to myself, I thought I would share this with you.
I know if I had read it before I made that first cut, I would have thought twice about picking up that blade.
Hopefully it may help someone, who may just happen to stumble across it here.

Before you make that first cut, remember.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily.
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live–
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting–
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut “too deep.”
And you freak out because the blood won’t stop…
And you are gasping…
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone…
Praying it will be okay–
Swearing you’ll never let it go this far again…
But you will, and further….
Don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat every time you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips–
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings…
Betadine…
Antibiotic cream…
Medical tape…
Scar reducers…
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice–
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands–
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won’t be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe.
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots…
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won’t be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool…
Scissors…a car key…a needle…a paperclip…even a pen.
Doesn’t matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals… sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting.
At the same time you love it and can not live without it…

Author unknown

In with the new.

img_3906The new week arrived and I’m hoping it brings smiles, laughter and energy.
I’m looking forward with a positive attitude, this week will be a better one. With that, I’m reminding myself, that you cannot find peace by avoiding life.
Life spins with unexpected changes every hour, so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.
Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.
Finding peace and happiness in life does not mean that you have to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things while remaining calm in your heart.
This isn’t easy, it will be an ongoing struggle.
But it’s infinitely easier than continuing the way you are. When your positive attitude is working, there will be peace, there will be beauty, and there will be happiness.
When life is falling apart, it could actually be falling together which is why it feels so darn uncomfortable. Consider that what’s in front of you may be serving you in valuable ways you don’t even understand right now.
Life is a wild ride and definitely not a smooth one.
You will find Happiness and you will lose it. You will find it again and lose it once more.
So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point. Everyone feels lost sometimes. But most of all try to remember………
“Life is too short to spend at war with yourself.”

As they say

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As they say, a ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for. (This was one of my mate Porters favourite quotes)
Accepting some level of risk in life is important.
You cannot be both close-minded and wise.
You have to open up to the unknown. Close-minded people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.
Cynics always say no.
Do the opposite.
Saying yes begins things.
Saying yes is how things grow. It leads to firsthand experience and knowledge.
Yes is for strong, open-minded people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

Let your scars remind you

Tragedy should be used as a source of strength.
Someday when you least expect it life will blindside you with necessary chaos. And once the chaos has ended, you won’t remember exactly how you made it through, or where you found the strength you needed to carry on. You won’t even be sure whether the chaos has completely ended. But there is one thing you can be sure about.. When it does finally come to an end, you will be a much stronger person than who you were before it happened, which is precisely why it was necessary.
So let your scars remind you that you did indeed survive your deepest wounds.
This in itself is a major accomplishment. And let them continue to bring to mind the fact that the damage life has inflicted on you has, in many ways and places, left you stronger and more resilient.
I for one have to believe this or I would shatter and break, more so than I already am.
There has to be hope that my wounds will heal and I can once again feel some sort of peace.
Without that hope I don’t know how I even got this far.
Hope is my strength, my saviour, my sanity.
Without it, I know I wouldn’t be here.

Only so many tomorrows.

imageI have to admit the last few days, I learnt a new totally different emotion, I have looked fear straight in the face and I’m kinda ashamed to admit it.
I’m just a tad frightened.
My blood has terrified me.
I knew it was thick, I knew that there is no cure, but I guess I just didn’t want to believe how bad it was.
The last two hospital trips have been an eye opener for sure. And I’m scared, I really scared.
But that fear has to stay right here no this page.
If I have learnt one thing though, it would be………”live each moment in full, in kindness and peace and try to do the best you can with what you have in this moment because that is all you can ever expect of anyone, including yourself.”

A lifetime isn’t very long.
This is your life, and you’ve got to fight for it. Fight for what’s right.
Fight for what you believe in, for what’s important to you, for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you.
Realise that right now you’re lucky because you still have a chance.
So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it today.
There are only so many tomorrows.

Wish me luck

imageAfter the day I had yesterday, I have to remind myself that “Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life and smile.”

I try so hard to stay positive, to walk through treatment with a smile on my face and an attitude to not let those cruel illnesses beat me.
Yesterday though, lupus kicked my ass to the ground and kicked the sh** out of me, leaving me with the feelings of desperation, fear, exhaustion, failure, and not a pinch of hope.
Yesterday took the light and turned it into a scary, very dark blackness.
How can one day of treatment, knock you so hard that the will to conquer and take the winning flag, couldn’t be further from my mind.
As I sit here dreading today’s hospital visit, knowing that today could knock ten ton of crap out of me again is a terrifying thought.
The thought alone of having that huge needle stabbed into me and pushed and wiggled around is a fear I have never once had, today though the thought of it, make my tummy turn and I want to run, run as far away as I possibly can.
It’s not the pain really, I can tolerate that, it’s the fear of what will come out or won’t come out.
The fear of seeing the colour of my blood, the thickness, the slowness of the flow, but most of all the blood clots.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of blood, I have no fear at all of it, but after my blood clotted in the tubes also blocking the needle, I don’t really fancy seeing that again, feeling the fear that, my blood is pumping around my body like that.
Also the fear of seeing the nurse’s faces of how horrified they were at the speed of how fast I was clotting, on top of that, the look on their faces, as if to say, I have better things to do then to sit her with you for over four hours to only manage to take not even half a pint of blood and the relief on their faces when they decide to give up on trying to get the rest of the pint out of me.
How can less than half a pint of blood take that long to get out, 5 minutes max it should take to give a pint of blood.
I’m sure they are dreading me going today as much as I am.
But I’m going to slap on that smile, that positive attitude and try my up most to not cry.
So here’s to a good day, where lupus, gets a kicking.
Wish me luck, not that I need it, right?

Let there be love

imageFall in love, with an aim, an ambition, a passion.

If you lost everything but your mind, heart and health, what would be your reason to wake up every morning with a smile?

There’s definitely a fire burning inside you. It’s your job to find it and keep it lit. As we grow older, with all of our responsibilities, our passions and hobbies often seem like an indulgence. They shouldn’t be. They should be a requirement. Even if you can only dedicated 20 minutes a day to something you love, do it… No excuses, no regrets.
The most important decision you will ever make is what you do with the time that is given to you.
Let every day be a part of a dream you can touch. Let every day contain passion for something you love. Let every day be a great example of a life truly lived.