Tag Archives: tears

Flashback Friday

Posted by Rose on

imageHave you got that Friday feeling?
Where o where has the week gone?

My week has been a strange one, school battles every morning which drain me sadly, blood tests, work, moving furniture around in my baby cousins bedroom which even though it was hard work turned out to be a rather awesome day. Two birthdays this week, a meal out and a little get together last night at which, I made a rash decision to go on a road trip last night as I just couldn’t face another morning of tears at the school run, a few phone calls later and we jumped in the car the off we went, I know, I know I’m a naughty mum but it’s only a few days off school but it’s also a few days of happiness for my Marly-Kate, that smile just seems to make everything better.
So either week older, maybe even wiser, and once again it’s time to reflect on old blog posts.
So I will say toodaloo , have an awesome weekend, stay safe, stay merry and I’ll leave you with………

WILL THEY.

I’ve cried so much over the last few months, I swear my tears have dried up. I just can’t cry anymore. I’m now just numb and can’t shed a tear no matter how hard I want to.
I’m a firm believer that crying helps, it has to or why do we do it?

After a very fast google with not much joy I really can’t find an answer to why I just can’t cry.

It reminds me of, the film ” The Holiday”
I love that film, think its my number one favourite movie but Ross and I watched it a fair few times together to now it’s impossible to watch 😦
Maybe it holds the key to the tears.
Maybe it’s what I need to cry, but then I will be replacing wonderful memories with tears. And right now I don’t want and can’t do that.
I love our memories.

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That unexpected moment

Posted by Rose on

That unexpected moment when a song starts to play and it breaks all your walls down in a split second.
You think you are doing ok, even happy in a different kind of way, but just those first few notes break you.
Your on your knees sobbing uncontrollably.
How can one simple thing, bring your world crashing down around you?
How can those lyrics bring so much joy and sorrow.
That piece of music along with the memories that go with it, are so powerful, that no amount of wall building, closed doors, cold heartiness and strength can protect you from the feelings that flood you when you hear just a tiny part of it.

And here I am, broken, bruised and battered, weeping.

Pushing down

Posted by Rose on

That moment when you are sat watching something on tv, your content and in a chilled good mood and out of no where you just burst into tears and you just can’t stop crying.

I guess it shows that no matter how much you pushing down the pain, the hurt and the loss, it hasn’t gone away and without warning it bursts and over flows, for no reason, nothing triggers it, it just explodes.

Blast from the past

Posted by Rose on

imageI came across something I wrote a few years ago and thought I would share it with you, just in case it can help someone, somewhere who is struggling. So here goes……

There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.

Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.

Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.

Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my truly amazing boyfriend/soul mate, my family, friends and my doctors, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.

You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?

Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.

My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put me in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.

When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.

The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.

Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.

My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on social media, that seems depressing please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention.
That person could really need your help.
Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.

Part of you

Posted by Rose on

imageA little note to myself which is so much needed today.

Don’t be ashamed to shed a tear.
To me tears clean the soul so you can once again see the beauty around you.

Being vulnerable only shows that you’re able to face the truth.. even the hard truth.. with dignity and with heart.

Open yourself up. Allow yourself to feel no matter how hard or torturing it may be.

Take down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and experience every emotion, both good and bad.
This is real life, you can’t hide from it, you can’t hide from the devastation, the hurt, the pain, the sorrow,the lose, the emptiness.

For what are we if we don’t feel?

We become cold-hearted, lost souls with no heart.
It really is ok to break down once in a while, you won’t be weak because of it.
And even though no amount of tears, pain and heartbreak can fix you or change anything, it’s better than closing down and denying what you feel. (I’ve been doing this a lot lately, not even admitting my true feelings to myself because the emotional pain is to great, to intense, to good damn painful.)

Your emotions are part of you, they are you.

Life without friends is like life on a desert island…

Posted by Rose on

imageI wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.

Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge 😃

And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.

Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.

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As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.

I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.

At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)

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I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the seas edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stollen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”

How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.

I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.

As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)

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Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx