The past beats inside of me like a second heart

Memories are beautiful, making them is even more spectacular.

After a fun-filled weekend with the best of friends, way too much alcohol consumed, and a lifetime of belly laughs that dance happily inside our minds as they turn into the most special memories, I’m once more reminded that life is a treasure.
I smile knowingly that I will never forget the carnage, the laughs, the falls, that are now a forever moment in our minds.

Making new memories is truly a delight, one I never want to stop enjoying but there is always this part of me that will forever wish that he was by my side making them.
He’s the first person I want to tell my stories to but more so, he’s the one I want to make these memories with, he’s the one I want by my side, my partner in crime, my left hand man. It’s him who I should be making memories with.


Just one of those…..

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in many different directions?
That everyone and everything wants a piece of you?
I’m totally there right now and feel as if the world is crashing in on me.
I love to be busy, mainly to keep my mind and heart away from the torment it likes to play. If I’m busy, I have no time to think, no time to let the pain take over. My busyness is my protective armour but boy right now I feel as if I’m being pulled into three or four pieces. I’m grateful in a way but 5 minutes time out would be pretty damn welcome.

So my week, what can I say about my week?
I’m been a hard one.
Firstly, my baby girl is being bullied at school because of her heart problems. She cries her little heart out every morning and bursts into tears the minute she sees me at the end of the school day.
These bullies tongues are pure evil and if they are like this now, I dread to think once they hit mainstream school, what on earth they will be like.
I know they say a bully, is a bully, because they have their own problems and they take that out on the easiest victim, my heart goes out to them but when it comes to them hurting my daughter, I will not let them get away with it.
I wrote the harshest email I’ll ever written yesterday, telling the school that I will be moving Marly-Kate from the unsettling nasty environment until I have proof that it is safe for her to return.
Trust me, they didn’t like that one bit.

On top of that, I’ve notice that when I wake, my jaw is nearly locked and that my mouth, teeth and Jaw ache. My teeth through my medication have grown weak and while I brushed my teeth yesterday one just fall out. I was horrified and phone the dentist who managed to fit me in.
She was super lovely as I went into a nervous talkative state and rambled on about any crap that came to mind.
I’m not at all scared of the dentist or treatment, what scares me is that as soon as they touch my teeth I get an abscess and that alone terrifies me.
I was told that my teeth have grown weak due to my meds and bad health and that she will not be able touch or work on my teeth because I do not bleed easily. You need to bleed in order to heal and stop infections, so it’s now a trip to the hospital, to be knocked out and any work that needs doing to help support and strengthen them will be carried out.
I’m kind of relieved if I’m honest, but also saddened by that fact that my meds are taking the goodness away from them.
I’ve alway gone 6 monthly to see the dentist and the hygienist, I’ve always been proud of my teeth so this is a kick in the gut for sure.
It’s just a waiting game now to get seen, I hope I can stay on top of the awful pain that toothache brings.
When ever I have a little niggle of discomfort, my mind always flashbacks to when Ross and I first started our friendship/relationship. Bless him, he had the worst abscess and I remember the awful pain he was in, even back then at the very beginning all I wanted to do was take his pain away, to hold him, comfort him, still to this day I want to do that.
It’s funny how you remember those moments, the moments that are part of life and not at all exciting but they stay with you for a life time. It’s funny that even back then I was so in love him without even knowing it.

This week hasn’t all be bad, I’ve managed to get a little research done, a little work and a massive house clean.
I find that when I feel myself falling, I begin to clean, cupboards are emptied, skip bags are filled and every surface to scrubbed.
If I can’t clear my heart and mind of the emotions I feel, I empty the walls that surrounded me. At least the house feels lighter and refreshed even if my mind doesn’t.
Here’s hoping that the weekend will offer time out, rest and relaxation.
Here’s hoping.

Close to perfection

A new day, rain on the window panes, wind soaring through the branches of the trees, the bubbling brook turning into a fast flowing river.
Nature is at its best, teaching us that he is in control.
Mud sticking to our wheelies as we struggle to stay upright as it takes hold, not letting go.
Rain drops running off our noses, hair soaked, along with everything right down to our toes.
Autumn is definitely upon us.
As we strip down to bare essentials and warm ourselves by the fire, this moment is close to perfection, as we giggle at the sight that we will forever behold in our memories.

When perfect goes wrong, those are the memories that last forever

Two posts in one day, it’s been a while since I have done that.
I know I often write about how memories are so important, that’s because they really are the most important thing in life.
Making them is easy, you don’t even know you are.
Every simple moment with the people you love, every smile, every laugh and every song, they all turn into the most beautiful power memories.
They are so very precious, so unbelievably precious because when they are all you have left of someone, they can fill you with so much joy, love, warmth, they become everything. Even though they are ours and ours alone, someone out their has written them with you, though they may not see them in the same light as yours, they still have their own version, their own memories.

All I have left are the memories of the most incredible time of my life, the time I was the happiest I’ve ever been, the time I felt while, complete and even though the memories break my heart, I’m so glad I have them. Because without them I would be totally lost in darkness, I would have lost my soul, I would have given up on life a long time ago.
They are in some ways my saving grace because with them I know I can still feel, I can still love when I tell myself I don’t/won’t. While I kid myself that I’m no longer broken, that I’m no longer in love, that I’m stepping along the right road to recovery, my memory has a funny way of telling me even screaming at me, that without a shadow of a doubt that my heart still belongs to him, that no matter how much I try to push those feelings deep within my core, he will always be my one and only love, the kind of love that never fades.but still I will keep pushing those feelings down deep and pretending they are not there, putting one foot in front of the other, staying as strong as I can, while trying my up most to build a different life for myself and Marley-Kate.
And even though it sucks that those memories, those feeling have a funny way of hurting me, somehow they bring me some kind of peace.
How can it be, that something so very powerful be a blessing and an omen?

Memories really are funny things.
I was sat here, trying to blank out my thoughts, trying to clear my mind of all its rambling and a song just appeared in my mind. (Song below)
That song took me back to my childhood, to Sunday mornings, to the smell of roast dinners and music blasting from the kitchen. To my mum singing to her heart’s content.
The feelings that came with that piece of music, with those lyrics took me back to yesteryear and I was once again a child, playing teddy tea parties with my sister in my bed room, music and singing filled the rooms, along with the warming smell of our Sunday lunch. Even though my childhood was far from perfect, I was glad to be there once again.
That’s why to me memories are everything.
Hold on tight to them.