Beautiful Rush

There is something so special about who you are and who you come from.

Every moment in history has brought you to where you are now and what you are and have become.
Every soul that traveled this world before you had a part to play in your making and how your spirit came to be.

No matter if you worship your family or want nothing to do with them, they are part of you, your DNA.
To me that is absolutely fascinating.
Knowing very little about my roots, I’m on a mission to discover, how I got to be the person I am now.
Every document discovered, every name unveiled, every location travelled, every love story, every passing all give me an over whelming sense of being.
These names, are not just ink on a census or certificate, they are part of me, they are my blood, my history.
How I love history.
The thrill of discovery, the facts, the stories, the confirmation, all give me a sense of belonging.
Belonging hasn’t played a part of my life until a few years ago, now I have this beautiful rush of dna running through my veins. These names scribbled on forms, are just not names, they are so much more than that. They are family, they are the people who let my life become possible. They are the reason for my being and that is pretty damn incredible.
They send questions that keep me from sleep, they intoxicate my thoughts and make me need to know more.
From graves I’ve hunted, to war records, ship logs, workhouses, house fires, drownings, the trenches in the battle of the Somme, births and deaths at sea and mystery of the Irish šŸ€ that I still have to uncover. Every day is an adventure and in turn I’m making history for my daughters future daughters and sons and for their future generations.

Have you?

Have you ever received an email that touched you so deeply, your soul wept?
I have.
On Sunday, I received the most beautiful, touching email, I can’t begin to explain how it touched me, all I know is, it got me on all different levels of emotions. From forbidden tears, to understanding, to just being there at the hardest and most heartbreaking time of the year.
It was like finally someone understood, truly understood.
It was pretty damn amazing and I’m honoured to have had the pleasure of reading it, over and over again.
How I reply to it I don’t know, I’ve tried, really tried but no words are good enough, no amount of Thank you’s can suffice.

Broken soul

No words can even start to make anyone one understand the pain of yesterday.
No kind actions by others can help to ease it.
No amount of tears can wash away the devastation, the longing, the heartbreak.
No amount of time can heal.
There is nothing in this universe that can even start to explain to you how I felt yesterday.
No just yesterday but every day, but yesterday it all seemed that little worse but the heartbreak never goes away. It eats away a me, day in day out and there is no way to stop it.
My family and friends tried so hard to make it a beautiful day, even the sun shone on us, but as always there is this gaping hole in my heart.
Part of me is missing and no amount of tomorrow’s can heal it.
No amount of hugs can warm my broken soul.

Pushing down

That moment when you are sat watching something on tv, your content and in a chilled good mood and out of no where you just burst into tears and you just can’t stop crying.

I guess it shows that no matter how much you pushing down the pain, the hurt and the loss, it hasn’t gone away and without warning it bursts and over flows, for no reason, nothing triggers it, it just explodes.

Time does not heal

imageHow can I not blame and hate my self for everything that’s happened.
I know I didn’t know that I was poorly and that my body was/is destroying all the healthy cells in turn slowly shutting down.
But how do I learn to cope with the fact that I was so blinded by love that I didn’t notice I was poorly.
I don’t know how to live with the guilt I feel everyday.
Everyday at that hospital I’m reminded of the pain, the heartbreak, the devastation.
No amount of tears can ever wash away the pain and heartache I feel.
Time does not heal but only makes the pain more overwhelming more devastating.
All I know is that life goes on, days rolling into nights, and somehow I have to get by even with the gaping hole that is left in my heart.